Oh Significant Other?

Loving you may have been the stupidest thing I've done but I'm a better person for it.

On the other hand, sometimes you can't come through for me when I need you.  This is okay; I need to vocalize that I really do need you sometimes.  I don't do that with anyone.  That's a problem...it feels very lonely out there when I am hyper-aware of my lack of security in self.

I know you would have come through if I had asked.  It just didn't occur to me.

I'm riding this bus so hard that...

My coccyx is aching. 
Damn my wearing socks, while going down slippery steps, while being tipsy, 2 years ago during the Super Bowl.

Damn you snotty ass women who turn their noses up.  I can't imagine why some men want to be with you. 

Damn you slow folks who think I want to hear from you.  I'm not giving you any reason to think that I don't, except for my silence.  So perhaps it's just "Damn me".  But no, damn you.

Huh, the man I love has Asperger's Syndrome.

I was talking to my therapist and she concluded after much discussion about the maybe-boyfriend, that he has Asperger's.  I suspected as much but still, it was a shock to realize she might be right. 
It's scary to think of the implications...children with some level of autism? Running a household alone? Not having my guy there during a crisis? These are the things dangled by authors and commenters of books. 
It's easy to counter all of these things.  I don't know if he will be my primary partner.  All things considered, he'd be happier being my secondary boyfriend with none of the labels or environmental changes to worry about.  My guy is capable of being there for a crisis if I tell him exactly what I need.  He is more than capable of living on his own, more than me.
This is hard...it's really hard. 
I really love the guy.

Wow

Ever have one of those days where you feel pain all over your body, from the top of your head to the innards of your guts?  This is definitely one of those days.  I can't tell if the pain precedes the emotional agony or vice versa.  However, most days, it's endurable.  I just kinda wish I had a hug. 

Not that I didn't get an offer for some company; I had two, one to a fashion show thingy, another, a guy invited me over.  I disregarded the fashion show and I reminded the guy of his laundry waiting for some time.  I somewhat regret not taking anyone up on their offer.

At least I got my art exhibit entries in.  I'm pretty proud of them. 

I try not to dwell on the pain.  I need not to.  I feel the need to get everything else in order.  But perhaps, it's time to get the basics down.
 

Desire for a man or a woman

I listened to a podcast that said a man ought to want to feel the palpable desire of a woman for him. 

I think I hit the nail on the head when I say...very few men inspire that palpable desire from me.  This fact makes my slutty side pause.  Without desire, the basic urge and neediness for this particular person's thoughts, respect and well-being, sex is just rutting in pleasure, for sure.  But an empty pleasure like cotton candy...a lot of pretty, fancy crystals that melts away prettily in my mouth, leave not much but a stomach full of dyed sugar. 

Thank goodness I have some okay friends who respect women.

There may come a time when...

There are so many contacts in this world and so many rules of etiquette that we make up along the way with the rise of social media.  Ultimately social media is a form of publicly announcing our whereabouts, our thoughts, our hopes and dreams and failures and mistakes, our misdeeds, a spectrum of a human life.  As we trapse alone with our lives, we are still connected to a giant bulletin board of stuff...a giant bulletin web if you will.  Once one strand is stirred, hordes of people will see you and judge. 

I don't think Weiner did a terrible misdeed.  He did a stupid mistake and lied in a terrible manner to try to cover his mistake.  So people call for him to step down because he was an idiot...but what makes him different from all other men?  A lot and probably a lot of those features made him a better man than others.

I see friends reveal and gossip and rant...and I wonder when do I have to stop doing those things for the sake of my career.

That terrible joy

I understand the depth of cruelty that we afflict onto each other but most of all, the cruelty afflicted to the self.