WoW Alt-a-holic

Hello

2009-08-05T00:39:00.003-04:00

Hi, I'm a tank.
I'm a tank who cries during Patch Day.
If you don't know what Patch Day is, it's not fun.
It's new encounters, disturbed addons, excited people.
So, I cope by tearing up a bit, then I get my bit on.

Exciting :)

Aggravated

2009-04-29T15:17:00.002-04:00

I'm getting mad during these raids. Not like casual-run-with-older-players-who-are-slow mad. I'm getting aggravated, telling people to fuck off and snapping at directions. People are quiet about it but this behavior upsets me most of all. There are some real-life frustrations that contribute but I noticed that my enjoyment of a run seems to be lessened by one particular negative influence: T, a young raid leader. I would rather not go on a run with him.

Years ago, I had this issue with another guild member and eventually we have gotten to a good balance of mutual disregard/respect. I learned to tune out his negativity as he doesn't contribute to the success of the raid vocally. T, immature as he is, is a leader who "knows" what he's doing and can lead a raid to success...but sometimes to the detriment of my patience.

I don't expect him to change nor if I had a conversation with him, do I think he'd think there's anything to apologize for or work on and in a way, he's right. Last night, on the Deconstructor, T, a DK, was only focused on dpsing when he was assigned the role of offtank. He fudged up his assignment by letting a mob run loose...because he was dpsing the boss. Any other tank, he would have been yelling at him to pick it up and ask him what he was thinking. Startled by a mob running loose, I pick it up and do what I needed to.

Of course we oneshotted the boss but I was bewildered by T's nonchalance of who was supposed to pick the mob up. He dismissed my inquiry of whether I can count on him to tank, as psychobabble. So when I clarified my question, if he'll tank when he's assigned to tank, he was nonresponsive. I was upset by this and ignored him but I was pretty upset throughout the raid. When the official raid leader asked me what I expected from a question like that; I suppose I'd like an acknowledgment of his fault...but that would be unrealistic.

After the raid, the official raid leader and I briefly discussed how we can adapt to my rage issues in the raid, one option being that I play dps. However, after much thinking, I realized that I hated being treated like a child during the trash. When we come to a new trash, the official raid leader would ask me if I've done it. I've done all the trash mobs in the 10 man before but it's only been a week since I've done Ulduar. There are some complications with trash pulls as they are challenging...but they're all the same. Run in, watch for a particular ability, figure out positioning. When I ask why it's necessary to single me out to ask whether I've done a trash that the guild has only done one other time in a raid setting, T responded, "because the raid will die".

I don't like getting yelled at by T. I don't think anyone likes it. I know some other folks have acknowledged T's rudeness but are willing to put up with it. A friend approached me and has offered to speak to T in a diplomatic fashion about adapting his behaviors to not be so aggressive toward people who are still learning. I know he is capable as a speaker and T respects him.

However, I know there's a shortage of capable tanks. I don't want the raid to rely on bad tanks but I acknowledge that having me be upset at most of the raids isn't letting me have fun. I can't mute T but if I could, I would do so in a heartbeat. T will be there for every single raid and as thick as my skin can be, it's at the cracking point.

Meeting people on WoW - the censored version

2009-04-27T11:47:00.002-04:00

I wasn't going to post about this but I figured I share this version of my experience with y'all since meeting people from the game doesn't seem to be something people consider doing. I've had friends and strangers tell me that I must have balls of steel when I don't think of it as a big deal. At worst, I must be slightly naive to trust the kindness of strangers.

I've met with dozens of people from WoW, from the guild and game, from friends who hosted people they met from WoW and meetups from online (it's fun talking with a bunch of unique New Yorkers with their own perspective on WoW and it's not always a sausage fest). As with any situation dealing with people who you have a tenuous link with, one should exercise some caution with traveling in a stranger's car or visiting a home as I'm certain there are some instances where it hasn't worked out so well (there are some rare news reports of the more heinous offenses). But I've followed my instincts, inform my friends of my whereabouts and never been in harm's way.

A week ago, I got a ride with a stranger from the game I never talked to before (Tipu from Meridian) from NYC to Ontario to go to the wedding of my two good friends (Shawn/Dragonn and Shawna/Healysky) whom I've known since vanilla WoW. They met through the game but would have met eventually in real life as they live in a small town and only had one degree of separation through many paths. The bride's brother was addicted to WoW so Shawna decided to give it a try to see what the fuss was about. The groom Shawn was playing with the brother as he was working with him at the time. The brother introduced the two in the game and that was that.

The way I got to know them was through their guild Gosetine which turned into Equilibrium which turned into Bullpen, a Canadian guild on Kargath. We share a channel in game but use Facebook since some of the members turned Horde on a PVP server. I joke around with them all the time, comparing boobies with Shawna (TMI?) and knocking around Shawn in the game and he would knock back, making comments on my blog and facesofwow pic but it's pretty amazing that when we met, it was kinda like we've been real life long time friends already. We were very comfortable with each other which is nice and rare to come by so I felt very fortunate to know them.

They would ask me to come visit them but there was never enough time/money to take the trip up. So I was surprised and honored that they asked me to attend their wedding. I was there when they began their relationship and I never had any doubts that they were meant to be together. I wouldn't say that lightly since I'm not the sentimental type nor do I believe in soulmates. But they come close.

The plan was that I would hitch a ride with this guy Tipu from Meridian. At the last minute, he canceled because of financial reasons. On that same day he called to cancel, he won $2500 on a scratch ticket which he eventually blew most all of it on this trip. I would have had to rush travel plans so it was a fortuitous windfall for me. However, the night when we were to leave, I got the jitters because I talked to the fella fpr the first while he was hopped up on energy pills and drinks while he was on the road. I usually like to work the logistics ahead of time. Shawna called me after I ranted at Shawn on WoW about my anxieties and she reassured me that her friend was trustworthy and practically a kitten. Turns out she was right as Tipu turned out to be a perfect gentleman. I left at 1am with him when he's already been on the road from GA for 13 hours. However, it was me, the passenger who started crazy babbling/singing at hour 6 in the car in my efforts to stay awake. I was told to sleep at that point as I scared him.

We stayed at the bride and groom's place and were introduced to all their family/friends including some Bullpen guildies and other WoW players. I met the guy who created the infamous "Boobies!" battle cry; it was inspired when they were working in Sears...apparently not a day went by when they didn't wonder if he was going to get fired for his antics. We assisted in the wedding preparations and keeping the bride sane as she was a darling but started to fret.

At the bachelor party, the guys forced drinks, lapdances and kisses from the waitresses on Shawn. I stemmed the flow of shots to the poor groom by threatening anyone who offered a drink a punch in the balls. He downed 15 shots in less than 2 hours and people wouldn't take no for an answer. I nearly strangled Tipu for buying out a entire tray of about 30 coyingly sweet shots poured into vials. This turned out to be a good call that came too late as he proceeded to get very sick and went home at a good hour of 11:30. Needless to say, I was pret-ty tipsy and these guys were burly tall guys who are used to physical labor so they took my ball punching threats in good humor. Plus they didn't want to scare away the girl. Night before the wedding, I did my fishing dailies, keeping Shawn the groom entertained while he missed his bride to be as she was away with her parents according to tradition.

Wedding day comes and the bride has been throwing up since 5 am which we assumed was nerves. She was nauseated through the shortened ceremony but managed to say her vows without using the bucket that we carried around for her. She went home after the speeches at the reception. I had a great time at the reception. Everyone was so nice and open though I must have spent 75% of the time during this trip, laughing, blushing and being embarrassed (one mild example: at the reception bar, the father of the bride looked at my chest, looked at me in the face and asked if I was looking to start trouble). Afterward, I went clubbing and Denny's but I didn't go to sleep because I needed to finish their wedding present (a painting).

I learned at 7 am when people woke up that the now former bride was in the hospital with the diagnosis of appendicitis. So the poor bride had an inflamed appendix while reciting her vows, slow-dancing with her husband, etc. The groom went around, half joking about how it's been the "BEST WEDDING EVER"; seriously, what are the odds? So I said my goodbyes to Shawna right before her surgery and said my goodbyes to Shawn while he went to take pictures in his tux. Shawna's getting out of the hospital today and I hope to hear from her soon.

My friend and I had a very long drive down through the States and I'm glad that we got along well because it made the trip that much shorter. Definitely happy I went on this trip. Besides seeing my good friends and getting to know more, hopefully I broke some preconceived notions of what gamers are like as many people seemed surprised that I knew them through the game. I picked up a love of Smarties which are so much better than M&Ms, walked barefoot with other girls for what felt like miles because of high heels , almost got pulled over in a crowded cab, endured Bridezilla moments, rushed a painting (they had to pull the painting out of my hands when it was time for us to leave), strippers took off my dress and in the process of undress, I gave Tipu, the guy I hitched a ride from, a bit of an eyeful (clear enough? , hadn't slept since Saturday morning and only got 6 hours of sleep today but I'd do it all over again.

Through the week, WoW was a consistent topic of discussion, even in the church pews. It's just nice to see that WoW has influenced people positively as I've been welcomed with open arms with so many people in all walks of life. Anyways, I hope this story made you laugh or think or both.

Being productive

2009-04-13T15:49:00.002-04:00

I'm trying to work on this painting but it's impossible while my hands are freezing off. Mid-April and it's bitter cold. I found the best way for me to focus on my artwork is to park my character on WoW near an ore spawn point and to alternate tabbing in and looking for the gold marker, then working on my thing some more. I realize why I didn't want to be an artist; it's a profoundly lonely profession and I don't like being by myself all the time. Seems like WoW takes a bit of that edge off.

I've started tanking as a warrior and I thoroughly appreciate my pally so much now. I've tanked a total of 8 instances and it's starting to become repetitive. At least I'm understanding my abilities much more. I've discovered Intervene and I can tell ya, I'm not so great at it. Perhaps I can do a target of target macro that lets me run in...yeah that makes much more sense. AOE tanking is a real chore since my GCD is the only thing that is keeping me from building threat with my hover macro that lets me sunder my offtargets. I wonder if haste is the answer but even that won't be enough.

Okay now back to painting.

Tanking while a hypochrondatic

2009-04-08T11:13:00.002-04:00

I love tanking because I have the illusion of controlling the circumstances of the raid's success. However, after an exhaustive day of volunteering at a senior center on Delancey St., a haircut, buying canvases for the wedding, and jabbing away at a bag for an hour and half, I got a little woozy during the raid. I gotta take care of myself more with this new founded drive to box so I'll be prepared with snacks.

Wow, it's snowing in April. Big flakes, little flurry.

So I was definitely woozy during the two boss fights. Our warrior tank was struggling with the drakes in Sarth 3D 25 man but I was proud that he eventually got the hang of it. We're a hard crowd to please.

Dunno

2009-04-01T10:23:00.003-04:00

I don't know who reads this because I prefer the anonymity of confession. It might be no one which in case, I wouldn't have to worry about the consequences of saying this. But I have to say that daily crying jags are not the way to live. I'm not sure if it's my new meds but I'm terrified of losing control like this. I'm not the type of person to fall apart under a slight or an inconsiderate action but yet, it's happened several times.

I need a job, even if it's temporary.

Using my imagination as a raiding pally tank

2009-03-30T13:01:00.003-04:00

Btw, I realized that I had posted this site onto an all WoW Blog RSS Feed and would like to take it off. If you should happen to read this, I'd appreciate a comment to let me know what the website is.

I realize that I've been really really grumpy while playing due to real life frustration with job searching, figuring out a new career, getting over yet another unrequited person, grad school, depression and anxiety hitting a very new low (I've been taking medication), family, clutter, etc. Plus, libido went kaput. Which is distressing. Not that there's really anyone I'd like to get it on with. I have options but it's like refusing milk chocolate to hold out for some lovely dark chocolate. Sure the milk chocolate will get that textural silkness and roasted flavor but most milk chocolates smell cloyingly and not in a good way. Dark chocolate...yumm, I so went off topic here. In short, holding out for something better is usually a better choice for me.

This article from WowInsider.com has inspired me to dream up a character for my paladin tank. I've been told that she's the closest character I have that resembles me, except for all that white hair. And truly she's probably the most like me personality wise. A champion for others, self-sacrificing to a fault, flexible and decisive when it comes to protecting others. I do feel a kinship to her cause because hell yeah, I'd sign up to be a paladin if it was a real career.

I wonder what she would ask me right now.

Min: Why do you have so much inner turmoil?
Me: I got this discord between wanting to tank and not being taken advantage of.
Min: Ahh so you're feeling taken for granted?
Me: I guess, especially with this arrival of a new pally tank recruit who doesn't put up seals all the time, doesn't use Holy Shield though he needs it, and judges Judgment of Justice. Screw that! Why I gotta show him how to do the moves? Why do I have to be patient with him when no one else really was there to show me the ropes? I did my research, I talked to other pallys, I endured hours of criticism and pain from bad-mouthing compatriots.
Min: You decided to play a paladin. Your profession is to inspire and seek justice and meditate on being patient and kind.
Me: If I wanted to be that, I would have been a priest. Oh wait, I have one, and she kicks ass. And woop, I'm here to kick ass too.
Min: From Wikipedia -

Virtue (Latin virtus; Greek ἀρετή) is moral excellence. Personal virtues are characteristics valued as promoting individual and collective well-being, and thus good by definition. The opposite of virtue is vice.

Me: Alright, I will show my grace and charity by helping. It is the only way with a fellow paladin as discouraging as it is to realize he's half-assed his way through playing.
Min: *Sigh*
Me: Oh...he's gone from the guild. I feel ashamed and weird...I didn't want him to leave really, I wanted him to learn.

Sheer Overload

2009-03-16T12:00:00.003-04:00

There's so much to write about:

tanking as a pally tank,
dpsing as a shadow priest
dpsing as my alts (rogue, mage, druid),
healing and dpsing with the dual specs,
professions,
the agony of min-maxing and the joy of finding Pawn, an addon that lets me vendor items with impunity and whisper little praises of the ease it gives,
new fishing changes,
winning the weekly Sunday fishing tournament AGAIN for a lark and what it means to be Salty,
how much I hate selling items on the AH.

I'll make it my mission to tackle at least a few of these items all week.

Something that I'm not sure that I've shared here is my turnaround in real life issues.

I've taken up on a boxing gym. I shouldn't enjoy threatening to beat up defenseless guys with nothing to back it up :)
I've decided to dedicate myself to attend graduate school to go into a passion of mine: mental health.
I've also decided to move to a different city at the end of the year at most.
I'd like to get a federal job.
I've fell for someone but since we agree that we're not interested in long-distance relationships, we won't be exploring anything more than a friendship. I'm saddened but I wouldn't trade anything in the world for feeling those butterflies in my stomach again, something I haven't felt in years. So thank you for giving me that hope that it's possible for me to like someone.

A friend of mine shared this idea about processing information internally: that one doesn't need to dwell on an issue once that person comes to the best conclusion he could and no further information is given to adapt the conclusion. I'm taken by this idea as a worrier and trying to wrap my head around it.

I rarely write down some of the fucked up things I encounter in the game but I encountered one of the notorious drama kings on my server who basically bellowed at me for half an hour to look at some picture of his burnt junk, which became that way after exposing it to an overheated lava lamp which contains oil and antifreeze. He described it as having the appearance of Jupiter, only stretched out along the surface. I was crying with laughter but refused to look.

And if a new friend of mine happens to read this post, thank you for reminding me of how amazing the guildies are, including myself. It's not something I think about, until I get to meet other amazing people who can share of themselves with courage.

Oh, The Places You'll Go!

2009-03-04T12:40:00.002-05:00

Much of what I've written has come from despair lately. I was completely aware of it but lost in what direction to take so I took myself out of writing about my woes. There is a very strong part of me that wishes to apologize to you, any reader, all my friends for revealing the thorny bits of my psyche. But I won't.

I do believe I'll move on because I did today. I opened up a gift given to me by a therapist of mine who had moved on and lo behold, it was a Dr. Seuss book. As a small child, I would quickly skim his books and put it down. I was irritated by his nonsensical gibberish and the drawings which were not realistic or pleasing to my eye. The abstractions caught at my imagination...but they were probably too scary for me to handle because of the sheer amount of possibilities.

I first read the note in the back that my therapist left me. I had burst into a retching sob when I was given this gift and held out of opening it out of fear that I would be rend in two by the mere fact that a simple request for clarity had been granted. I didn't not have to compromise my wishes because she granted me one.

Putting aside my quirky dislike of Dr. Seuss, I read, "Oh, the Places You'll go!" as quickly as I did as a child, only this time, I put the effort into tasting the words and enjoying the drawings. I laughed to myself about how familiar/iconic all of these things were and how they seemed to repulse me at the same time. As an adult, I can truly appreciate what he had to write and mourn briefly of my childhood where if it wasn't "productive learning", it wasn't worth my time. I challenge that with remembering hours spent poring over fairy tale illustrations with the colors that would not clash and the linear storylines that my mind can pleasantly soothe over.

I fell in love or I got a crush. Both are true. If you read this, I hope you're not scared but I lied to you about not sleeping on Saturday night. I couldn't sleep because of the pain I felt missing you. I'll write about you in private, where no one will ever read them. I can't read your mind so one day, I'll speak to you and ask you how you feel but I want to become that better person worthy of your affection.

And so I'll move forward with my career and find a job and clean up my room, even without you. Because I want to for myself. I'll stop thinking about hurting myself for more than a few seconds a day because I know my family and friends and you would miss me if I did hurt myself. I'll figure out how to love and forgive myself for all the silly mistakes I've made through my art, my precious art that I fearfully put aside.

I'll read my Dr. Seuss book and know that age 28, my life isn't over.

Everlasting

2009-02-02T12:33:00.002-05:00

The sheer horror of the squawking woman berating aloud, cursing the panicked stranger who could have used some help with her overladen burden of junk. That panic tickled and bubbled in me where I could scream from the FEAR that bloomed in my chest, draining my will, my strength, my triumph over the power of life itself where there is nothing to fear but fear itself but instead, it comes my state of being... to choke and hold and breathe in shuddering gulps of near laughter.

I had taken a tumble down slippery wooden stairs, startled in the childlike wonder of bumping my less-than-cushioned butt down in little hops. I come out with bruises and a shallow cut that my metal bracelet stung into the heel of my hand. I could have come out with swallowed teeth and heaping sobs but I laid on the bed of the once adored, now less-pined-for friend, jumped to sober heights and flex the cold shocked parts of my hand into giving reassurance that one) I will not have to pay for an ER visit and two) I reaped the hurt I deserve.

Dear God, you've taken my friend's father away from her after her sister had forced herself onto you. Oh the rage, I sympathize with so much right now. It's blinding hatred and I swallow it whole to reside in my stomach. And it's fear that rolls in after to choke me in the air I breathe and has that PERMANENCE that smells sickeningly like the matted folks spoilt by heroin and welfare checks and that whisper of profit that wafts in rotten sugar. Yet I maintain a semblance of BEING ALL HERE, when I'm really in the place that whispers that once I get my affairs in order, it would be best to give up, go tilt out sideways, pour my mindfulness out of my ear to truly let others have their way, to decide what is the best fate for me.

I do not trust myself. It's how I let go of the responsibility of making an decision and to act on it.

I chat with an acquaintance about the Super Bowl and how fair play made things feel all right is with the world. And I want to wail about the HORROR, the quiet blanket that crawls and smothers my faith in anything good in this world besides the children and the kittens and the right-as-rain sun. I stare, flooded.

Winding down

2008-12-30T09:51:00.003-05:00

It's been a heck of a year.

1. I lost 35 lbs and it keeps going.
2. Getting laid off the first job where people actually want me to stick around.
3. Went to New Jersey and didn't entertain suicidual thoughts (not joking around about this because of 4).
4. My best friend's sister killed herself, impacting my friend's and my life. She showed me how much self-hatred can eat away at a soul.
5. Started dating for the first time... it needs to be like chocolate. Partaken a little at a time, not daily.

Only ones I can think of.

I've been so tired...I'm happy I skipped hopping on WoW last night and hung out with a friend.

One Liners

2008-12-12T13:21:00.003-05:00

I've been whittling down my Favorites at work and looking over drafts of posts that I never published for some reason or another or they simply speak for themselves. I'm labeling them "One Liners".

Detached

2008-12-09T16:43:00.003-05:00

Oh ho boy, yes it's been a while since I posted. I need to get back on my meds in a bad way. It's not that I've been particularly down but I've had to exercise a lot more mindfulness in what I do because of what my therapist likens it to an irrational chemical flood that occurs as a conditioned response to most everything in my life.

I decided to write to keep track of my sickness. It's allergies. Like, please kill me allergies. First two weeks, I was sniffing, sneezing with dripping nose all the time. Third week, my throat was killing me and I couldn't sleep because of the pain that built up in my ear but wasn't actually an ear ache or an infection of my tonsils. Fourth week, my friend gets me some Biaxin for a week and the pain goes away but the dripping and coughing is non-stop. Fifth week, I'm gasping for breath. It's not pleasant to slur my words but be cognizant of it.

So I go to a "real" doctor (as opposed to my friend, the ER doctor) and he broke it down for me. I have allergies and may have had some respiratory complications with mono and bronchitis but that I have to deal with allergies which may occur with mold and/or the fire next door which I can still smell. So I'm eating my cortisones (Prednisone) and sniffing my Patanase and Flonaze and thinking, wow, I've been miserable for 5 weeks because of allergies. I'd like a HEPA air filterer like right now but the one I have my eye on is $350. I'm so freaking miserable with the scent of caustic chemicals up my delicate tissues. Ugh.

So that's my sickness story yay! I may be scared of every thing else in my life but I can think clearer now yay!

I called my temp agency, let them know that I'm getting let go on the 31st, and am excited at the possibility of getting money.

I got invited to a New Year's Eve Party being thrown by the same ER doctor friend. I hate her for using a placebo but it didn't hurt so eh. Anyways, I'm relieved and saddened. I hate indulging in fuck buddy sessions. I end up paying the price with little chunks of my heart with my incessant thinking, "Why am I in this situation again?" Fucking isn't necessarily an unpleasant situation and it's all on the outlook but I'd really like to try something different for once. It's boring and not as illict as it could be. In fact, monogamy is a lot more scarier :P

Don't get me started on WoW.

The purity of rage

2008-11-14T14:14:00.001-05:00

Sent at 1:52 PM on Friday
nychenzo44: hi

me: yo

nychenzo44: how is work

me: sleepy

nychenzo44: aww
want some lovin from me and my girl

me: no, you skank. Who wants to sleep with a stranger?

nychenzo44: lol i know

me: then why are you asking? I clearly don't want a fuck buddy.

me: Can you tell me why you would think I would jump on your dick at any chance without even talking to you face to face and gauging whether you're good people?

Is it something in my face?

me: Does my face scream, "Oh hey, you know, this is the kind of girl who would love to be indiscriminate with the fellas and the ladies and whoa, she's also into being open!"

Did ya ever think that maybe I was a devout Catholic or that I teach children nature walks?

BLOCK

One Liners: Midnight Launch Party

2008-11-13T14:48:00.008-05:00

I realized I had jotted down a first sentence for a post and then never publish it. I'm going to just put it out there now :P

I arrived at Best Buy at 6pm on the dot where I glided (or cholomped in my
4 inch heels) to pre-order my Collector's Edition.

Losing weight like crazy

2008-11-10T12:39:00.002-05:00

I've decided to engage in the ego-bruising gang-bang called "dating". And in this "dating", there are plenty of dicks, a few wimps, and very rarely, nice guys with common interests.

Worst thing is, I can't assuage my poor little ego with comfort food because I'm on a dehydrated food/ powder diet. I've lost 10 lbs in one week. Unfortunately, I am a very tired chica too. Because holy shit, I got some crazy stuff that's been going down and I can barely type out this.

Because I compromised my bladder, I'm gonna pee (long story). Hope my children never read this.

LOL old tankspot blog entry taking it down.

2008-10-31T16:35:00.001-04:00

Not PG-13: IM with Guildie and Me
Posted 04-08-2008 at 02:06 PM

Warning: No real WoW Topics. Very Fourth Wall Busting. Discussions of non-traditional lifestyles and blatant disregard for the mortal sin of pre-martial, casual sex. The easily offended, please turn away.I'm considering a matchmaking service which is a thousand bucks. Considering that my needs are a bit different, I could think of it as a fair investment.
Me - Me
G - Guildie
G2 - Another guildie

Me: I want a guy who is secure with me flirting with other men, I'd like to meet a cuckoldG: what is cukhold?Me: a guy who likes knowing that his significant other is sexually engaged with other peopleG: well most men tend to get very.. posesive of thier women, Me: I'm not going to be with a guy like thatG:well no of course not, but i imagine it would be very diffucult to find a man that is comfortable like that. He would have to be very secure, and most men aren'tMe: then wish me luckG: i do wish you luck i want you to be happy. i am not 100% on the matchmaker thing thoMe: I'm not sold on it either but it's definitely something to think aboutG: is the money upfront, or only after you have found a matchMe: after the interview and she starts you with dates right awayG: hmm, that is interesting----------------------------------------------Me: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CuckoldG: so, would he be allowed to have a sexual relationship with other women?Me: I would allow it. I like being the female version. The thought is very very hot to meG: so essentially, you want a committed open relationshipG: i think the idea of my gf fucking another man is hot.. she'd never do it, but i think its hotMe: So you understand the appealG: i think its a hot idea, i don't know how i would feel at the actual time. i think i'd be alright tho, i don't really feel like the jealous person G: at least i don't think i amG: hmm, i'd have to think about that----------------------------------------------Me: G2 is laughing at me about it, I'm like whateverG: that is exactly the thing to do, just say whateverMe:I don't know why he keeps saying "good luck with that"; it's been like three timesG: well, alot of men wouldn't be ok with itMe: I wouldn't fuck him based on his reaction----------------------------------------------G: i certainly think that you deserve to be happy, and i can understand the appeal of it Me: hehe it's good to know what I wantG: and you never know IF it will work, till you are in that kinda situation. Its all thoretical till thenG: what i can pick upon, is that you crave a dedicated romantic relationship, but you are very sexually aware and enjoy sex, and don't feel that being in a relationship should hinder that.G: its minju in 3 lines----------------------------------------------Me: okay I'd fuck you based on your ideas about fucking alone G: how did you come to this conclusion?Me: because I rather fuck people who are like-mindedMe: even though republicans can be hotMe: like a I-don't-like-your-ideals-but-I-can-understand-them-if-i-were-in-your-social/economic-status-so-let's-fuck-anyways fucking

CL WoW Loving

2008-10-31T13:21:00.002-04:00

Girl seeking WoW player - w4m
Date: 2008-10-14, 11:01AM PDT
Do you like to PvP in the World of Warcraft? Do you want to have sex with a
girl playing arena in the eighteen-hundreds bracket? Do you want to have sex
with me WHILE I play arena?

Continue reading.. I will be playing my druid.. she is in full Season
3 and some Season 4. I play with another female player on her warrior, but she
is not going to physically join us.. she will be on vent or skype listening in,
but mostly her purpose will be to keep the game going smoothly by letting me
know what is happening so I don't have to pay much attention.

You must be ok with vaginal and anal penetration, as well as eating me out,
and you must be able to finish on me twice within one hour.

But more importantly, you must be familiar with the game. You should be not
only yelling things like, "Your pussy feels so good on my dick" but also pay
some attention to my arena game(s). And be loud. Remember, I'll have my headset
on to talk to my partner. "Root him!", "Cyclone so I can pull out and fuck your
ass" and so on. You must be kinky, naughty, and very horny. I will be quizzing
you, so if you are not sure about your stuff, please do not respond.

What you have to do/have in order for me to consider you:
- You must have at least one level 70 in equivalent gear, maybe we can chat
about it.
- You cannot be overweight, but also not the muscle jock body type with a
brain the size of a pea. Chubby is BEST!
- You must be able to spell.
- You must be at least 20 years old and no older than 29.
- At least 5'10".
- No blondies.
- Dark hair, dark eyes
- Prefer uncut, but you must be clean. Circumsized will be considered, but
not preferred.

About me:
- I am 5'8"
- 150lbs
- Blue eyes and brown hair.
- I know a lot about video games.
- I want to fuck you while I play arena if you fulfill the above
requirements.
- I am very tight.. I have not had sex in about 8 months.

Ya know. I'm wondering why people think this is sad.

One Liners: Craigslist

2008-10-31T12:41:00.002-04:00

Craigslist

Girl seeking WoW player - w4m
Date: 2008-10-14, 11:01AM PDT

Do you like to PvP in the World of Warcraft? Do you want to have sex with a girl playing arena in the eighteen-hundreds bracket? Do you want to have sex with me WHILE I play arena?

Continue reading.. I will be playing my druid.. she is in full Season 3 and some Season 4. I play with another female player on her warrior, but she is not going to physically join us.. she will be on vent or skype listening in, but mostly her purpose will be to keep the game going smoothly by letting me know what is happening so I don't have to pay much attention.

You must be ok with vaginal and anal penetration, as well as eating me out, and you must be able to finish on me twice within one hour.

But more importantly, you must be familiar with the game. You should be not only yelling things like, "Your pussy feels so good on my dick" but also pay some attention to my arena game(s). And be loud. Remember, I'll have my headset on to talk to my partner. "Root him!", "Cyclone so I can pull out and fuck your ass" and so on. You must be kinky, naughty, and very horny. I will be quizzing you, so if you are not sure about your stuff, please do not respond.

What you have to do/have in order for me to consider you:
- You must have at least one level 70 in equivalent gear, maybe we can chat about it.
- You cannot be overweight, but also not the muscle jock body type with a brain the size of a pea. Chubby is BEST!
- You must be able to spell.
- You must be at least 20 years old and no older than 29.
- At least 5'10".
- No blondies.
- Dark hair, dark eyes
- Prefer uncut, but you must be clean. Circumsized will be considered, but not preferred.

About me:
- I am 5'8"
- 150lbs
- Blue eyes and brown hair.
- I know a lot about video games.
- I want to fuck you while I play arena if you fulfill the above
requirements.
- I am very tight.. I have not had sex in about 8 months.

The unfortunate loathing

2008-10-07T13:10:00.002-04:00

"Cultivate an interest in a person, and by extension their interests. If I like the person, there is often an excellent chance I will enjoy at least some of their pastimes. Then, sometimes it's just my interest in the person that makes the activity engaging but it has let me to a fairly wide variety of short term hobbies at least. Perhaps people are my hobby. "

- The only person who inspires this much hatred in me.

Loathing is a strange thing. I have hated a few people who have done nothing to me...but they invoke a primal reaction within me that raises my hackles. My body winces at the instinct to get into a fighting stance at the mere mention of their name. And oh lord, this woman does it. I hate her with a passion that burns my chest. Once I thought she was gone from my guild, I figured that I was safe from this tension but she returns again. She inspires this much hatred because when she uses her status as a woman to forward her agenda, to tease and then dump, her actions reflect negatively onto me as a teaser as some people have a problem distinguishing intentions by playful people.

This inspired my bad haiku:

Disrespecting tease
Your wit and charms are lost here
Grammar nitpicker

I really dislike her.

Good morning, Boston

2008-09-30T09:00:00.002-04:00

As I look at myself in the mirror, tousled hair and skin browned by time and sun, naturally scarlet full lips, a body that I thank my past self for taking the pain and the shame to work to its current level of fitness, I can say to myself: damn, I look hot. I should really fuck every morning.

I enjoy the process more than the ending. I realized this when time was too short to conclude things for either of us. He's a good guy even though he laughed at me for not knowing what a Prius is. That burned me up a little. And also nailed the coffin on any possible unconscious inklings of a future relationship. Thank goodness.

I am planning out my day, planning to do shopping and eating. I already have some ideas for artwork. I am refreshed and revitalized by the unfamiliarity of my domiciled surroundings. Though for sleep, I cannot abide the humming and whirring of the ever hiberating computer and I am awoken by the mere shift of the warm body next to me.

I've been playing way too much WoW since I got here. This touch of agoraphobia makes my heart pound when I contemplate crossing the boundary of this commune. For all of the aloof mannerisms that these hairy guys/quiet girls exhibit, I'm safe in their organized kitchen, their amazing chocolate almond cookies and their inadequately ventilated bathrooms with strands of hair everywhere.

Otay I get ready. Screw you Oldlock, I'm not going to wear myself out for Archimonde.

My brightness

2008-09-13T21:08:00.004-04:00

So I let go of my high school reunion. I let go of the short fuse I harbor, let go of my Type A loving, let go of men and women, let go of unrequited hopes.

My new favorite sex education website:
http://liberator.com/videos.php?channel=9&video=120

SS

2008-09-12T12:43:00.000-04:00

How beautiful

2008-08-29T16:11:00.003-04:00

How beautiful, wonderful is my relief with releasing, pain throbbing in my chest yet it's one of the most reaffirming reasons to be alive. I've carried pain for this long and now I feel...free to have it.

How confusing. A WoW blog associated with these emotions. The person who manipulates XYZ movement for a representation of self. This is all related to how my self, in game and in real life have developed into something new.

A player has remarked several times of how he heard that I'm into pain. I always chuckle to myself, never elaborating on what it is because it's none of his/their business. Yes, I associate pain with change. My tears are a result of searching for a facility that has been buried with the gross mess of daily chores, relationships, to-do lists. I wish to flex it and to radically twist my perspective to accept something new, it results in a medley of reactions that bubble beneath the surface. The low boil has come to its peak. I've found my selfishness and I gladly embrace it. I will live for myself and not for my parents nor my brother, nor for those who do regard me highly and those who think of myself in a slight manner like one thinks of Barbie dolls and mopheads.

So why do I write here? I have a mute audience. It feels like I write on a wall where someone may happen to pass by and glance at scribbles. I think that's why I left Xanga. That need to see who approves of my writing, a popularity contest. There's no winning here.

I am not sorry for who I am or what I write. I will write about the things I love and experience because one day, I will forget and the memory will haunt me because I would not be able to name it.

I am glad because the day where my contract to the many will be on hold temporarily. I will play the game how I want to, be free in my aloneness and loneliness to be beholded to noone. All mothers need a break from their wills being for others, unconsciously listening for that question, ready with answers. In my breaking from the herd, I will relearn how to do things for myself.

This pain of feeling light as a feather brings a smile to my face. The intensive labor of anger had been productive.

Sunshine and lollipops

2008-08-21T14:32:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I wonder how my brother does it. How he can live, having picked up dead, burning bodies from the rubble of war. How tense he seems even with his easy pace. He thrives on pretty girls and gourmet food, never skimping for less, always for the better.

I grind my teeth on wasabi peas, relishing the intense pain of a nasal burn one particular pea flares up. It comes and goes within 3 seconds. At the least, it distracts me from the inner pain that stems from fear, want, disappointment, and the darker bloom of thoughts of wishing to end this prickling of tears that threatens to spill onto my cheeks while people carefully watch for me as they exit the elevators. Or they completely disregard me. No matter.

My back is sore, aching on my left shoulder bone, blossoming around my neck and lower back. I am in pain. I think I'm more in pain because of the infatuation. I learned what I want from a guy and it's integrity. It's the drive to do more, do better. And it's a wonderful, terrible thing.

I am on the subway platform, rushing to catch the V at 5:20...I am late leaving the office. I remember feeling vaguely displeased for being in the front car as I'd have to take a long walk to the other end of the platform at my station. I remember thinking that a small gap at the door may not have made it a secure place to lean on. But I bury my head in my WoW raid strategy guides and meticulously figure out my role. The train rolls into Northern Blvd. A violent blow to my back rouses me up and I make a conscious effort to hear the insistent screeching, plastic shards flying, female conductor yelling with catching breaths and the gasps of the passengers. Me with my moods flashing from annoyance, to awareness, to gauging the situation in seconds and feeling my heart leap. Someone jumped in front of the train. The body is in the conductor's booth. There is a gap to look in the booth. Look away from booth, catch breath, cover mouth from rising smoke and potential burning flesh, just don't look at the body, look at anyone else' face to confirm the horrid limpness of the body and pray the conductor is fine. She's radioing it in, to turn off the power, raised voice, fighting panic and disgust.

As I murmur my excuse me walking to the back of the car, I wonder why the other people wish to have the image of a dead body embedded in their brains. There's an open door and I hop out, walking fast, looking through the windows at curious eyes, faces, mouths open. I'm glad for their ignorance.

The walk home is a daze. I observe my cold hands, the slight tremors, the fuzziness of my surroundings. I desperately want a hug or a hand to soothe away the dull pains of my back. I call a couple of friends, sit at my chair, looking, nothing, feeling nothing.