OY

5:45 am - Half awake, I hear someone coming into the bedroom. Thankfully I had the sensibility to cover up my nudity with a blanket because yay, it's my father. He peers at me and realizes his mistake that I'm not my mother. He goes away.

6:10 am - Now I'm fully awake because of my father's ranting about my unclean room. He screams in that shrill voice of his, a childish sound of someone demanding attention because he gets none in this world. I tell him to get out to no avail. I resort to plunking my face down on my pillow and ignoring him. I lock the door to the 2nd floor behind him and then I lock my bedroom door.

6:45 am - It's too late. I'm fully awake and I've only gotten 4 hours of fitful sleep. I will do like Marsha Linehan and get through this day with mindfulness. I will not dwell on how I wish I had the option to afford housing or how my parents owe me money or how I owe them for helping me out when I was broken or how I wish my parents would understand that they have more to lose by pushing me aside than I do losing them.

7:15 am - I'm sitting here, A/C on full blast even though it's relatively cool up here. It's to block out the sound of my father yelling. I'm typing because if I don't, I will become depressed.

I wish that I wrote about this during a time of placidity but it's not meant to be. I proposed to M. My first marriage proposal - it makes me smile. Even though I knew his answer (no, of course; accepting a marriage would be unpragmatic), I knew that this was the right thing to do. Ever have one of those lucid moment in between boredom and anxiety, where you are exactly who you are? That's what it was for me.

Calle Ocho

Rushing to Flushing to go to dentist to plug in my loose crown - $20

Birthday drinks and dinner with acquaintance - $50.

Okay I have to admit that Calle Ocho was pretty good. The people were fabulous, the Spanish Harlem sangria was spicy enough to keep me gulping and even the bathroom conversations were intriguing enough for me to hover around their great large stalls. I had the duck with lentils and sauce, and the duck was tasty with the sprouts, soft, red, meaty, better than beef. The talk was centered around the birthday girl's vacation to Iceland, home of tall blondes, best butter, fleece, stalking horses, hot spring/thermal power plant runoff, andddd artic char. Then it was about the fact that one of my friends doesn't want to speak to her parents after about 3 months of ignoring them. At some point, the conversation veered to the birthday girl exclaiming how her parents want her to have children and want it in a very bad way. Mind you, she's still very single and working as a radiologist. My friends claim that I practically shrieked, "Do you want to breed now?" Later my gf asked me if I was angry because I sounded it.

I admit it; I have a problem with rage as of late. My best friend claims it because of all the shit my family dumps on me. It's been coming out in the game. But where as in the past, I would stew about how bad I felt about lashing out at guildies, I approached them and told them exactly why I got triggered which lead to conversations of what we both thought. I came away, feeling a little more self-respect than I usually would have come away in that situation.

When my dentist casually asked me how the dating scene was going with me, I told him that between school and work, it's been difficult to prioritize it. I joked about him giving me some advice. He said,

"Forget about getting to know each other really well. If you meet someone you get along with, just get married because the more you don't know about each other, the better the marriage is. Because when you wake up each day, you don't want to know everything about this person. It's what keeps the marriage interesting."

Interesting advice eh?