How beautiful, wonderful is my relief with releasing, pain throbbing in my chest yet it's one of the most reaffirming reasons to be alive. I've carried pain for this long and now I feel...free to have it.
How confusing. A WoW blog associated with these emotions. The person who manipulates XYZ movement for a representation of self. This is all related to how my self, in game and in real life have developed into something new.
A player has remarked several times of how he heard that I'm into pain. I always chuckle to myself, never elaborating on what it is because it's none of his/their business. Yes, I associate pain with change. My tears are a result of searching for a facility that has been buried with the gross mess of daily chores, relationships, to-do lists. I wish to flex it and to radically twist my perspective to accept something new, it results in a medley of reactions that bubble beneath the surface. The low boil has come to its peak. I've found my selfishness and I gladly embrace it. I will live for myself and not for my parents nor my brother, nor for those who do regard me highly and those who think of myself in a slight manner like one thinks of Barbie dolls and mopheads.
So why do I write here? I have a mute audience. It feels like I write on a wall where someone may happen to pass by and glance at scribbles. I think that's why I left Xanga. That need to see who approves of my writing, a popularity contest. There's no winning here.
I am not sorry for who I am or what I write. I will write about the things I love and experience because one day, I will forget and the memory will haunt me because I would not be able to name it.
I am glad because the day where my contract to the many will be on hold temporarily. I will play the game how I want to, be free in my aloneness and loneliness to be beholded to noone. All mothers need a break from their wills being for others, unconsciously listening for that question, ready with answers. In my breaking from the herd, I will relearn how to do things for myself.
This pain of feeling light as a feather brings a smile to my face. The intensive labor of anger had been productive.
