Oh what a night

after a dream about a cousin of my cousin and attending his brothers, and reminder please forgive the lack ofproper grammar because my droids inabilty to accept the shift or symbol buttons, i woke up to the horrible realization ten years after the fact. i had invited a gay sociopathic liar to my home where he stole my first harry potter book and took a bit of money from me purchasing a terrible book. i never heard from him again and the sad thing is that i trusted him. this trust in the good in people has led me to make some of the worst decisions of my life. i attended his brothers funeral btw.

i feel absolutely terrible and yet i feel like this could be a start to mending some of my self hatred. it wasnt because of my lack of being on top of things. alton had a responsibility too and he failed it. all this time, i held on responsibilty, relieving others of it... like i have had to do with my brother and father. i grieve now in these early hours.

all growed up

i gotta say this with a drop of regret but gosh darn it, i dislike blogspotm interface and what is worse, i cant use the shift key or use apostrophes on this droid. this enrages me like a mofo figged with no milk in sight.

i dont sound coherent and what more is i dont care. i am enraged at a few other things in my life that this doesnt seem that important. rustling through the files that i roughly arranged in my head, i have come to the conclusion that i am a pretty unhappy selfish person who is incapable of appreciating the bounty of what i have. i have wonderful friends with good hearts.

i am seeing a guy who makes my heart full and my head empty and they are both wonderful states to be in. he just lent me his redskins jersey to wear and this gesture has made me feel warm and liked.

i live with a family who cares and needs me and though they are full of flaws, they too have their qualities that make me realize how much im missing without them in my daily life. but as my mother said, it wasnt until i got into therapy, that i learned to say no. i learned this from my cousin during my aunts funeral last tuesday. we sat down in a well known korean restaurant in flushing. the very room that my cousin got married in and divorced yet a month later. the bride was displeased with the idea of her husband being unable to give her the financially bountiful lifestyle that she obviously craved. i miss my aunt and i am relieved that she didnt suffer a slow painful death to the brain tumor that developed quickly. i only knew of the tumor because i overheard my mother reveal the details on the phone. i learnt about the expected arrival of a third child from my cousin who had learned bout it from of course my mother.

if i were to try to be a family member, perhaps i should listen to my mother and suppress the bubbling rage that simmers when i hear her voice. i know she isnt the source of my issues and even if she has, im a grown woman who has figured out some truths in life,albeit a lot later than some folks.

i have been pretty angry though. angrier than i thought possible to sustain over months. an anger that festers in my heart and guts while my head pleads some sense into them. they cannot forgive and i am in danger of imploding with the sensibility of a super saturated sponge of a goddess, taken for granted after a million forgivenesses and nonjudgmental actions and thoughts, she devolves into a tornado of wrath. wishing the worst on the ants. the goddess of course has more power than i currently hold in this social, economical, cultural, spiritual, career status. if i had won in anything, its that my ignorance or distaihas left me content . ive been cast from my hellish eden of simpilicty, loneliness, despair, into a more complex rigid restructuring of myslef and my surroundingscast into a mold that i long to belong to, if only myswcurity was secured.

i closed y eyes for a few minutes. i am weary from these words blurbling out of. my inner voice was clearly restive for this moment of cleansing confession. but i will nap on the bus and believe that people can form something bigger and better for themselves.