It's been a long while

All Real Life stuff, no WoW today. Go to wowinsider.com for that.

I stopped writing out of fear of intimacy. I'm trying :P

So a stranger kissed my hand in the middle of the street this afternoon. Jumped up behind me while I was on my way back to work with my lunch. Startled the shit out of me. He wanted to know if I was Korean, I asked him why, he explained something or the other about me looking just like his friend, he asked for my name, stuck out his hand and held my hand to kiss it gently on the knuckles. I told him I'd give him an email address. He didn't want one so when it became clear that I wasn't giving him my number, he tried to get me to take his number. Followed me into my building where I work. Turns out he was going to another department. Heh.

Then while explaining this to a gf during a work break, a tall blackhaired woman motioned at me while passing me on the sidewalk and loudly exclaimed, "THIS is what life is all about!" Perhaps it was the giddy smile on my face.

I just got back from a pub/birthday part at a tiny apartment on Prince Street, after sweating my ass off. I'm drying off naked, thinking about my noob sub. I am having doubts, plain and simple. I don't doubt his abilities, nor my want for Domming/topping. It's been a long while with this guy fast.

A former fuck buddy shared that he feels obligated as an American to rent a porno titled "Porn on the 4th of July". Good for him.

What am I getting for traveling out to a 4 hour round trip commute to top a man for? Am I insane? What worth has he shown that proves that my efforts will be for me and not for him? I have a nagging feeling that I'm being taken for granted again. I will not be put in that position again.

A letter my friend received

Hey that is no problem at all. I shouldnt have kept u waiting like
that. As tired as I was I still couldn't sleep AT ALL last night, or the night before...

This is in reference to my friend asking for feedback about his picture (Why, I suspect he wanted to hear that he was attractive).

There is something on my mind that I have to tell you. and im so afraid to. I do not like hurting people. that is not any of my intentions in life. I am devastated to hurt.

Notice the whole, "hating to hurt people but I did it anyways".

But over the time that we have met. I have Lied to u.. Ima start off by saying im 15...

He said that he was a 32 year old man with a wife and child.

My brother *** is very controlling over me u could say... And he has stood behind my back almost 3/4 of the time i have talked to u and told me what to say and ask..

His brother was supposedly a 34 year old divorced guy with a child. And what kind of younger brother actually listens to his older brother?

I didnt want to Peep into ur private life at all! but i guess *** did for some
reason.

I didn't want to. But my brother did! How lame of an excuse is that!

But u are the sweetest, nicest, caring, Funniest guy i have EVER met in my
entire life.

And I'm clearly a dipshit.

I didnt want to go this far into our friendship. but im afraid to say no to
***. He is not at the house right now (he is 17 btw) he is at work. He does not know i am typing this letter to u. Please do Not tell him i told u this. If u want to Gkick me from guild or w/e you have the most right to do so ever. I would understand completely.

Well now would be a good time, because apparently your testicles just came into being.

Again (my name is *****)

Way to reinforce that you've been lying to him the whole time.

I Do not like hurting people specially people like you.

But you do like hurting people not like him.

I felt like sometimes we almost new eachother in RL. But if u wish never
to speak to me again. I understand that too. Just please go along with **** and
act like he is 34 with a kid not married or divorced =/.

Yes you felt so close to him...especially while lying. And now you want him to lie for your sake and pretend everything is the same?

THe lies I did not tell u where the ones where he wasnt there.. Like We live on
5 acres. wwe do live in a gated community. I have 3 brothers. I did lose my
virginity at 15.

So I was honest with you about these things that are non-consequential...

Oh but one other thing i want to tell u... i dnt know if ur gonna be freaked out
or not. but Please dnt tell ne1 this either.. Im bi-curious..... but my goal is
to just move to a big city when i am older.. my uncle is gay. he is 47 tho.

Totally and utterly irrelevant. So my friend is gay; what does it mean for this kid?

lol. Again i cant apologize enough!! This is not my doing... Well it is.
but not what i wanted to do. Your sucha nice guy its just gonna hurt me to see
if ur hurt or not. I hated intruding into ur private life. cuz thats ur
business. And Also, I would totally understand if u Gkick me or dont speak to me
ever again. I am very very sorry.

Honestly, I believe this kid was responsible for the whole thing. And the fact that he intruded on his private life anyways? Well duh, it's his business!

I put this up because in the end, my friend will be compelled to try to help this misguided kid. And I know the cycle of his trying to heal this kid's wounds when it's his wounds he's trying to patch up, will bring no good end to him because the kid already got his trust as much as my friend denies it.

Avoiding guild introspection

What gets me work up: guild stuff that happens the night before. That anger flows to the incoming morning which by then, inertia covers emotions up, created by the NYC heat and a tiny Greek salad and a few bites of homebaked mac and cheese. I feel...rotunded.

Hoohee - Real Life YAY!

A week ago, I had a person tell me, "You need a boyfriend, then you be happy!" I didn't even bring up the idea of relationships, I was talking about feeling crappy :P

Ever since I've been back on my medication, I've felt stabler in my thoughts, felt safer. Thoughts of self-harm has lessened tremendously as I can effectively control the impulses and emotions before they escalate. I still have 3 more months to feel the full effect.

Besides leading my high school reunion solo, working two jobs and trying to reconnect after being emotionally estranged from my family for decades, I'm pretty exhausted. WoW seems to be the only thing where I can get a glimmer of enjoyment. Even self-maintance is repetitive and a chore. WoW adds the pounds, exercise takes them off (somewhat).

Maybe after 9 months, I'm ready to start into the fun of finding companionship. Yay dating. Even now I chuckle at myself for being so reluctant. Crazy boys. And crazy girls. It could be fun, it could be boring.

Maybe I'm not so ready after all. It's only now that I can understand my propensity for falling for impossible guys and letting go of it is difficult. I haven't had enough of this taste of unrequited infatuation. But I'm getting there.

Random things to remember

I was in group therapy and this woman who got proposed the first day he met her by this millionaire who's about 15 years older, told me I need a bf.

I was once happy with things like books and art.

I once left a secret thankyou bundle at my neighbor's house with Korean grape juice and snacks and a thank you note. My gf told me this because she remembers it well.

I had a singing solo when I was 9; it was the Little Mermaid song, "Part of that World" which is still a difficult song. Some girl wanted to sing the solo too so she badgered the teacher to let her perform the second half. People told me she wasn't as good :)

Tim Robbins took a tour of my high school which he was an alumni. Many years later, he licks the neck of my gf, who is also an alumnae. Lucky bitch :P

I can make glass Venetian beads, with a real torch and real glass.

Trial run

I was doing a trial run with two applicants in a quick Kara with 2 healers and some unexceptional tanking on my part. Nightbane, wow, just couldn't target the guy nor predict where he'd land, combined with slow response-timing due to a mysterious seasonal fatigue = bloody mess of dead players. It's not that I don't care because I'm a heartless bitch; it's that I've become cynical to the expenditure of raiding. Consumables, repair costs, a few trigger-happy people, eh.

To the point, I extended an invite to the holy priest after much hemming and hawing. An officer pointed out his flaw of dying to threat-sensitive situations like the aggro wipe of Nightbane. I asked the applicant about it; he mentioned how he took a hunter's misdirection for granted with this particular fight. That fanagle poked at me...if we clearly don't have a hunter, why would you react to a situation as if you did have a hunter? Would you heal as you did before if there wasn't a druid who would innervate you?

It was me and another officer on; we came up with the hesitant answer of "Yes, let's invite him". In my fluxing degrees of indecisiveness, I called one of the lead guild officers; no response. In hindsight, we could have taken our time making a decision; I don't have to accommodate an officer asking about whether we should invite a person who is mediocre in healing. His redeeming quality is that he presents a drive to learn.

Hindsight is everything when I cringe at his healing. I hope he actually doesn't believe he's doing that well. And when he got taken for a mana injector, buying one charge for 60g from the AH, it made me pause. And that he actually thinks the effort put into complaining to Blizzard GMs will come to a pleasant fruition of a resolution to accommodate for his inobservant behavior, that made me wince and pause some more. Priests need to be observant of minor details like cleansing, when to shield, when to take focus off of the tank, etc.

But I'm also suspicious of every new applicant. I'm jealous of protecting the guild's best interests. This priest seems like a decent sort of guy. However, I have to say that I wish that I could have had a better gauge to measure a healer. I have to trust that he'll try to become a better healer, that he won't snap when the pressure is strong, that he will know he's capable of more. Much like I have to trust myself to do all that.

How I got into the game and why I fish.

When my boyfriend at the time and I got together, WoW had just finished the beta and released. I wasn't a gamer and wasn't interested in playing WoW. But one day, my bf asked me if I would level up his fishing. So he parked me in Darnassus with a fishing pole and I fished there for 4 hours. I was hooked.

He got me my own account even though I asked him not to. I'm fond of saying that my relationship with WoW lasted longer than that relationship. I have two BT/MH raider characters as a pally tank and a shadow priest which is time-consuming and demanding.

But I still try to sneak away to fish because
1. I can handle guild officer stuff and chat without killing a group in an instance.
2. I enjoy gathering cooking materials
3. I enjoy the surprise element of a catch.
4. It's not about GCDs or how much haste rating you have. Its simplicity is something that most people write off as boring. It's a meditation of my "surroundings", a time and place where all your focus is on the bobber and the basic joy of a catch.
5. Unlike RL fishing, WoW fishing is not at all demanding; it's free of extraneous factors like timing of the tides, stabbing hooks in fingers, and tangled lines.
6. If you miss a bob, there are very little consequences, unlike raiding :)