A few minutes later

I'm still very very angry.

I'm drying off after a shower to cleanup a night of intense dancing in a hookah lounge.

I'm thinking about a guildie I met at the barbeque.
I'm thinking about how I offered my number.
I'm thinking about how he kept suggesting that we go in the other room.
I remember thinking how dorky that was.
I remember feeling good about telling him that I'm not looking for hookups anymore but I am interested in talking with him.
I'm thinking about how nice it would be to connect to a guy.
I was thinking about how nice it was to say no.

And then, a week after the barbeque, I realized I constructed a fantasy that was never going to happen.

And oh I'm not crushed or defeated.

I'm angry.

I'm angry that I feel entitled to be considered as a possible friend.

I feel angry that I thought that maybe I'm learning how to connect to people better.

Then I feel angry toward thinking about someone I'll called "Mr. Friend".

Status of my feelings toward Mr. Friend: intense, "I want to claw his eyes out" anger.

I don't want to be the fucking grownup. But guess what, I'm going to have to. Because holy shit, god forbid a guy actually does the decent thing and let go of someone who has intense feelings for him.

I'm so tired.

I'm so angry.

I'm thinking about how would the guild take this? Do I give a fuck about his best friend?

Another thing to gripe about: okay I fucking talk a lot. Why do you fucking join a guild in the first place?

Another thing to think about: bread and butter. Random sleepy topic.

Perhaps I'm looking at the wrong men to be angry at.

My father deserves most of the anger.

But I know I still need something from Mr. Friend and stuff. My eyelids are shutting. Yay. Good night.

I'm back, I'm back. I'm back, I'm back

So I'm going to be taking this blog in a whole new direction.

My aim is to deliver chicky sensitivity with dating and relating to men.

My aim to to deliver my audience my straightforward contradictory ways that I do oh so well in WoW.

I also have a bunch of other stuff going on.

But motherfking... I don't know what to do about showing it to guildies. And I'm also drunk at the moment. And it's 3:41 am. And I'm tired and grumpy and I have pictures but my drives are being dumbasses.

*grumble*

Hello

Hi, I'm a tank.
I'm a tank who cries during Patch Day.
If you don't know what Patch Day is, it's not fun.
It's new encounters, disturbed addons, excited people.
So, I cope by tearing up a bit, then I get my bit on.

Exciting :)

Aggravated

I'm getting mad during these raids. Not like casual-run-with-older-players-who-are-slow mad. I'm getting aggravated, telling people to fuck off and snapping at directions. People are quiet about it but this behavior upsets me most of all. There are some real-life frustrations that contribute but I noticed that my enjoyment of a run seems to be lessened by one particular negative influence: T, a young raid leader. I would rather not go on a run with him.

Years ago, I had this issue with another guild member and eventually we have gotten to a good balance of mutual disregard/respect. I learned to tune out his negativity as he doesn't contribute to the success of the raid vocally. T, immature as he is, is a leader who "knows" what he's doing and can lead a raid to success...but sometimes to the detriment of my patience.

I don't expect him to change nor if I had a conversation with him, do I think he'd think there's anything to apologize for or work on and in a way, he's right. Last night, on the Deconstructor, T, a DK, was only focused on dpsing when he was assigned the role of offtank. He fudged up his assignment by letting a mob run loose...because he was dpsing the boss. Any other tank, he would have been yelling at him to pick it up and ask him what he was thinking. Startled by a mob running loose, I pick it up and do what I needed to.

Of course we oneshotted the boss but I was bewildered by T's nonchalance of who was supposed to pick the mob up. He dismissed my inquiry of whether I can count on him to tank, as psychobabble. So when I clarified my question, if he'll tank when he's assigned to tank, he was nonresponsive. I was upset by this and ignored him but I was pretty upset throughout the raid. When the official raid leader asked me what I expected from a question like that; I suppose I'd like an acknowledgment of his fault...but that would be unrealistic.

After the raid, the official raid leader and I briefly discussed how we can adapt to my rage issues in the raid, one option being that I play dps. However, after much thinking, I realized that I hated being treated like a child during the trash. When we come to a new trash, the official raid leader would ask me if I've done it. I've done all the trash mobs in the 10 man before but it's only been a week since I've done Ulduar. There are some complications with trash pulls as they are challenging...but they're all the same. Run in, watch for a particular ability, figure out positioning. When I ask why it's necessary to single me out to ask whether I've done a trash that the guild has only done one other time in a raid setting, T responded, "because the raid will die".

I don't like getting yelled at by T. I don't think anyone likes it. I know some other folks have acknowledged T's rudeness but are willing to put up with it. A friend approached me and has offered to speak to T in a diplomatic fashion about adapting his behaviors to not be so aggressive toward people who are still learning. I know he is capable as a speaker and T respects him.

However, I know there's a shortage of capable tanks. I don't want the raid to rely on bad tanks but I acknowledge that having me be upset at most of the raids isn't letting me have fun. I can't mute T but if I could, I would do so in a heartbeat. T will be there for every single raid and as thick as my skin can be, it's at the cracking point.

Meeting people on WoW - the censored version

I wasn't going to post about this but I figured I share this version of my experience with y'all since meeting people from the game doesn't seem to be something people consider doing. I've had friends and strangers tell me that I must have balls of steel when I don't think of it as a big deal. At worst, I must be slightly naive to trust the kindness of strangers.

I've met with dozens of people from WoW, from the guild and game, from friends who hosted people they met from WoW and meetups from online (it's fun talking with a bunch of unique New Yorkers with their own perspective on WoW and it's not always a sausage fest). As with any situation dealing with people who you have a tenuous link with, one should exercise some caution with traveling in a stranger's car or visiting a home as I'm certain there are some instances where it hasn't worked out so well (there are some rare news reports of the more heinous offenses). But I've followed my instincts, inform my friends of my whereabouts and never been in harm's way.

A week ago, I got a ride with a stranger from the game I never talked to before (Tipu from Meridian) from NYC to Ontario to go to the wedding of my two good friends (Shawn/Dragonn and Shawna/Healysky) whom I've known since vanilla WoW. They met through the game but would have met eventually in real life as they live in a small town and only had one degree of separation through many paths. The bride's brother was addicted to WoW so Shawna decided to give it a try to see what the fuss was about. The groom Shawn was playing with the brother as he was working with him at the time. The brother introduced the two in the game and that was that.

The way I got to know them was through their guild Gosetine which turned into Equilibrium which turned into Bullpen, a Canadian guild on Kargath. We share a channel in game but use Facebook since some of the members turned Horde on a PVP server. I joke around with them all the time, comparing boobies with Shawna (TMI?) and knocking around Shawn in the game and he would knock back, making comments on my blog and facesofwow pic but it's pretty amazing that when we met, it was kinda like we've been real life long time friends already. We were very comfortable with each other which is nice and rare to come by so I felt very fortunate to know them.

They would ask me to come visit them but there was never enough time/money to take the trip up. So I was surprised and honored that they asked me to attend their wedding. I was there when they began their relationship and I never had any doubts that they were meant to be together. I wouldn't say that lightly since I'm not the sentimental type nor do I believe in soulmates. But they come close.

The plan was that I would hitch a ride with this guy Tipu from Meridian. At the last minute, he canceled because of financial reasons. On that same day he called to cancel, he won $2500 on a scratch ticket which he eventually blew most all of it on this trip. I would have had to rush travel plans so it was a fortuitous windfall for me. However, the night when we were to leave, I got the jitters because I talked to the fella fpr the first while he was hopped up on energy pills and drinks while he was on the road. I usually like to work the logistics ahead of time. Shawna called me after I ranted at Shawn on WoW about my anxieties and she reassured me that her friend was trustworthy and practically a kitten. Turns out she was right as Tipu turned out to be a perfect gentleman. I left at 1am with him when he's already been on the road from GA for 13 hours. However, it was me, the passenger who started crazy babbling/singing at hour 6 in the car in my efforts to stay awake. I was told to sleep at that point as I scared him.

We stayed at the bride and groom's place and were introduced to all their family/friends including some Bullpen guildies and other WoW players. I met the guy who created the infamous "Boobies!" battle cry; it was inspired when they were working in Sears...apparently not a day went by when they didn't wonder if he was going to get fired for his antics. We assisted in the wedding preparations and keeping the bride sane as she was a darling but started to fret.

At the bachelor party, the guys forced drinks, lapdances and kisses from the waitresses on Shawn. I stemmed the flow of shots to the poor groom by threatening anyone who offered a drink a punch in the balls. He downed 15 shots in less than 2 hours and people wouldn't take no for an answer. I nearly strangled Tipu for buying out a entire tray of about 30 coyingly sweet shots poured into vials. This turned out to be a good call that came too late as he proceeded to get very sick and went home at a good hour of 11:30. Needless to say, I was pret-ty tipsy and these guys were burly tall guys who are used to physical labor so they took my ball punching threats in good humor. Plus they didn't want to scare away the girl. Night before the wedding, I did my fishing dailies, keeping Shawn the groom entertained while he missed his bride to be as she was away with her parents according to tradition.

Wedding day comes and the bride has been throwing up since 5 am which we assumed was nerves. She was nauseated through the shortened ceremony but managed to say her vows without using the bucket that we carried around for her. She went home after the speeches at the reception. I had a great time at the reception. Everyone was so nice and open though I must have spent 75% of the time during this trip, laughing, blushing and being embarrassed (one mild example: at the reception bar, the father of the bride looked at my chest, looked at me in the face and asked if I was looking to start trouble). Afterward, I went clubbing and Denny's but I didn't go to sleep because I needed to finish their wedding present (a painting).

I learned at 7 am when people woke up that the now former bride was in the hospital with the diagnosis of appendicitis. So the poor bride had an inflamed appendix while reciting her vows, slow-dancing with her husband, etc. The groom went around, half joking about how it's been the "BEST WEDDING EVER"; seriously, what are the odds? So I said my goodbyes to Shawna right before her surgery and said my goodbyes to Shawn while he went to take pictures in his tux. Shawna's getting out of the hospital today and I hope to hear from her soon.

My friend and I had a very long drive down through the States and I'm glad that we got along well because it made the trip that much shorter. Definitely happy I went on this trip. Besides seeing my good friends and getting to know more, hopefully I broke some preconceived notions of what gamers are like as many people seemed surprised that I knew them through the game. I picked up a love of Smarties which are so much better than M&Ms, walked barefoot with other girls for what felt like miles because of high heels , almost got pulled over in a crowded cab, endured Bridezilla moments, rushed a painting (they had to pull the painting out of my hands when it was time for us to leave), strippers took off my dress and in the process of undress, I gave Tipu, the guy I hitched a ride from, a bit of an eyeful (clear enough? , hadn't slept since Saturday morning and only got 6 hours of sleep today but I'd do it all over again.

Through the week, WoW was a consistent topic of discussion, even in the church pews. It's just nice to see that WoW has influenced people positively as I've been welcomed with open arms with so many people in all walks of life. Anyways, I hope this story made you laugh or think or both.

Being productive

I'm trying to work on this painting but it's impossible while my hands are freezing off. Mid-April and it's bitter cold. I found the best way for me to focus on my artwork is to park my character on WoW near an ore spawn point and to alternate tabbing in and looking for the gold marker, then working on my thing some more. I realize why I didn't want to be an artist; it's a profoundly lonely profession and I don't like being by myself all the time. Seems like WoW takes a bit of that edge off.

I've started tanking as a warrior and I thoroughly appreciate my pally so much now. I've tanked a total of 8 instances and it's starting to become repetitive. At least I'm understanding my abilities much more. I've discovered Intervene and I can tell ya, I'm not so great at it. Perhaps I can do a target of target macro that lets me run in...yeah that makes much more sense. AOE tanking is a real chore since my GCD is the only thing that is keeping me from building threat with my hover macro that lets me sunder my offtargets. I wonder if haste is the answer but even that won't be enough.

Okay now back to painting.

Tanking while a hypochrondatic

I love tanking because I have the illusion of controlling the circumstances of the raid's success. However, after an exhaustive day of volunteering at a senior center on Delancey St., a haircut, buying canvases for the wedding, and jabbing away at a bag for an hour and half, I got a little woozy during the raid. I gotta take care of myself more with this new founded drive to box so I'll be prepared with snacks.

Wow, it's snowing in April. Big flakes, little flurry.

So I was definitely woozy during the two boss fights. Our warrior tank was struggling with the drakes in Sarth 3D 25 man but I was proud that he eventually got the hang of it. We're a hard crowd to please.