A few minutes later

I'm still very very angry.

I'm drying off after a shower to cleanup a night of intense dancing in a hookah lounge.

I'm thinking about a guildie I met at the barbeque.
I'm thinking about how I offered my number.
I'm thinking about how he kept suggesting that we go in the other room.
I remember thinking how dorky that was.
I remember feeling good about telling him that I'm not looking for hookups anymore but I am interested in talking with him.
I'm thinking about how nice it would be to connect to a guy.
I was thinking about how nice it was to say no.

And then, a week after the barbeque, I realized I constructed a fantasy that was never going to happen.

And oh I'm not crushed or defeated.

I'm angry.

I'm angry that I feel entitled to be considered as a possible friend.

I feel angry that I thought that maybe I'm learning how to connect to people better.

Then I feel angry toward thinking about someone I'll called "Mr. Friend".

Status of my feelings toward Mr. Friend: intense, "I want to claw his eyes out" anger.

I don't want to be the fucking grownup. But guess what, I'm going to have to. Because holy shit, god forbid a guy actually does the decent thing and let go of someone who has intense feelings for him.

I'm so tired.

I'm so angry.

I'm thinking about how would the guild take this? Do I give a fuck about his best friend?

Another thing to gripe about: okay I fucking talk a lot. Why do you fucking join a guild in the first place?

Another thing to think about: bread and butter. Random sleepy topic.

Perhaps I'm looking at the wrong men to be angry at.

My father deserves most of the anger.

But I know I still need something from Mr. Friend and stuff. My eyelids are shutting. Yay. Good night.