Mantra

I know this is a very new blog and who ever is reading this has no clue who I am. But here's a sliver of what's eating me.

I used to be a devout Catholic. I've shed the heavy guilt associated with not attending services, with not going to confession, for committing the mortal sins of pre-martial sex and masturbation (mortal sin being that it's an automatic ticket to Hell if you engage in it) a few years ago. It's much harder to shed the guilt associated with every other aspect of my life. And when guilt piles up, shocking my system with moments of hard lucidity and terror, I recite my childhood mantras that slip off the tongue easily like little shards of ice that temporarily cools the burning hot pain that rends my numb being.

I went to a bar called Milk and Honey last night. I've been out to four bars in the last five days and it was at this one where I've drank two drinks, which were delicious. A grasshopper and a Dominican, sweet as candy, whipped into a delicate froth, perfect drinks to be savored in a secret bar with no sign, that you need a reservation for, waited by courteous men doled up in suspenders and Prohibition era outfits. Dark, brick walls, lit by candle-light, interesting conversation by people who were living out "ER" because you know, they're ER residents. But somewhere in my head, I was thinking about the people I associated with on WoW.

One whose friendship I miss terribly and feel I can never redeem myself with, another whom I think I'm imitating in the whole youthful drinking and going out and marveling how alike we are in trying to run away from things, one whom I have sisterly feelings toward, one whom I thought I hated who turned out to be a pretty cool guy and thus throwing my feelings toward everyone in doubt, one who is a dick and wondering why I associate with him, and the one that is the hardest to admit, one whom I secretly admire but is taken and I am eaten up by guilt about my attraction.

Guilt associated with WoW is the strongest reason for me to not play. Perhaps this is a good thing. I've been gaining weight from being despondent and inactive. I'm trying not to post emo shit but thoughts of hurting myself has been playing on my mind recently. It's a fact that I've been ignoring. So I pray with Hail Marys and Our Fathers (Ironic pleads toward parental figures when mine are so hopelessly distant by language/cultural barriers). I focus on work and new projects and volunteering. I hope this phase ends soon.

Respect

There are some things worth working for and others that aren't. Gaining respect is complex, like putting together a fashionable outfit or applying au-natural makeup :) It's not something that happens off the bat.

Say words were the way to gain respect. Now equate words = facial cosmetics which range in colors, textures, depth or unique features. These words will "paint" the blank canvas that other people hold in their minds. Your tools of the trade used to convey your inner beauty or strength (i.e., powder brush, tweezers, eyelash curler, etc.): they're all different forums to enhance or emphasize your words.

There needs to be some goal, thought out carefully but quickly. Then execute it delicately; a heavy hand only points out insecurity and may falter in direction. But don't forget to throw in what makes you unique, like a dash of blue eyeliner or a deep transparent purple lip balm over an otherwise plain red mouth. It's unexpected and surprisingly, it opens a layer of vulnerability. It reveals a hidden element about yourself with its honesty and willingness to be an individual who isn't going to follow everyone else's beige vagueness.

Lightly applied, certainty where to push harder to make a point, overall consideration of how the final product will affect you and others, set it with a fine powder of self-assurance and you're good for the day. Here is the face you give to the world: it is a gift or an annoyance or invisible. You can say, "You can fuck off if you don't like this face" but if YOU are unhappy with the face you present, then YOU can only change yourself.

Perhaps I took the makeup analogy too far but really, noone is given respect off the bat. You work on it but not too hard. You do it without provocation nor expectation of rewards; it's that much more rewarding for your self-esteem. Respect for me is being heard by people willing to listen. Respect is caring about what I listen to in turn. It's about being considerate. Respect is treating others the way you want to be treated. So think about how you treat others before you start demanding more respect.