How to stop playing WoW

Directions:
1. Fill up your hours with nothing but your non-WoW passions/work/school.
2. Watch subscription lapse after 6 month subscription.
3. Gain weight so clothes get tight.
4. Be a woman.

A post I got

Hi John,

First off, wow, it's been a while since I logged onto this site so my apologies for responding late.

Second, I could thank you for writing a coherent and well-thought out post but let's get into the meat of things, shall we? :)

I smile at the part where you mentioned that I'm still very open about sexual activities even though I'm looking into monogamy and long-term relationships.  Somehow, it didn't occur to me that those things would be divergent.

I can't say that my sexual proclivities have ever been something I've been able to withhold from anyone who asks...and believe me, the guys do broach the topic, even on the first date.  For instance, I don't feel like I'm revealing that much when I admit my passion for certain activities such as pegging on a conventional matchmaking site.  It's that important to me to meet someone who is just as into kinky sex.  If I start talking about strapons and see a bit of wincing by a guy, I see it as a bit of a challenge because inevitably, the guy does end up being on the receiving end, whether he envisioned it or not.  But whether we'd be compatible as long-term partners is another story.

I understand how easy it is to be open with strangers.  I play World of Warcraft and there are millions of people who easily interact within the game.  Yet once you place them in the context of meeting each other in person, there is that anxiety about rejection or judgment.  There are no long-term consequences for being open about our true interests and desires with people whom we don't have to answer to or see on a daily basis.  I found that there are consequences to sharing those things with the people I care about or the people who I thought that cared for me.  It varies for every situation.  Invariably, it all adds up to cost-benefits.  Is the cost of withholding an essential part of myself worth it?  Is revealing bound to subject me to rejection, possibly bigotry?  In most cases, I found that the extreme reaction is rare and that most people admit themselves to feel a similar way. 

I've found that I feel more connected to the human experience; more people feel the way we do about things more than they'd like to admit.  I'm a lucky one that I have grown a little shameless about the taboo topics that people don't usually think about.  I'm about to publicly discuss my World of Warcraft experience on-camera because I can't stand the way some people make assumptions about gamers.  I feel the same way about pegging.

I try to forge a long-term friendship with my short-term partners.  It never hurts to keep a sex-positive group as company.  What got me to take the step into a long-term relationship was opening up to someone who I knew truly accepted me for who I was.  It was painful and the relationship doesn't always go the way I want it to.  But it's one of my main considerations for my application to graduate school in the DC area for next Fall.  I still see other guys but I'm in love with this one.  He's been wonderful about me sleeping with other guys.

Now, I feel like I'm rambling.  It's been a long workday and I'm finishing up some artwork.  But I do hope what I shared may be something you could use.  I'd be happy to talk about relationships and sex if you're still interested.

Regards,
Susan

john wrote:

> Susan,
>
> I have seen some of your posts in the forum and I would drop you a line.  There are a few things about your posts that got me thinking.  You said that you were done with the casual stuff and looking for something more - intimacy.  Of course, you also say some salacious things in your posts about pegging and oral.
>
> I have found myself in an interesting conundrum when it comes to relationships and sex.  I have generally been a serial monogamist.  But I find  that while I am able to get close to the girls that a date, I find I am unable to be open with them about my interest in sexual exploration.  I guess I have some sort of hang-up about revealing my proclivities in those situations. 
> Which, of course, it could be argued is not full intimacy.  On the other hand, I have been completely open with near strangers about my sexual interests.  I have had a number of  sexually adventurous partners, but they have all been short flings.  What I really would like is to find a relationship that combines these two elements.
>
> Is this anything at all like your experience? 
> I'm curious.
>
> Talk to you later,
> John
>

In all consideration

I'm not doing so well... and yet I am.  I am doing my best and I am not.  To clarify, I am doing my best under my current state.  This state is not a healthy one.  It nips at my soul.  It whispers my lack of worth directly into my bloodstream when the disappointment of being rejected by 3 people (one date and 2 "friends") is swallowed down.  Any other time, I could shake it off but God, why now?  Disappointment is the emotion that I can not tolerate the most and it's the one I feel the strongest.  That fear that emerges?  Stems from my disappointment in myself for not anticipating a problem. 

GOD.  I call out to God because who else am I to call out to?  Not my parents.  I can't believe my father didn't trust what I took with me from the 1st floor.  He wanted obedience so I showed him what I had in my hands with wide-eyed disbelief: a pair of speakers that I lent them.  I wanted to listen to television shows while I moved my stuff to the 2nd floor.  I can not believe it and I must accept that this is my father: a suspicious, authoritarian, short-sighted, defensive boy.  Nasty words, they are.  God bless my inherited attributes.

I'm regressing to suicidal thoughts.  Good ol' standby coping mechanism.  I feel like my parents are pushing bricks down on my soul with their harsh criticisms. So I'm also apparently incapable of not stealing food from my brother.  I made a promise to myself to get the mini-fridge into my room so I won't do that again.  I don't feel like leaving the house.

Oh what a night

after a dream about a cousin of my cousin and attending his brothers, and reminder please forgive the lack ofproper grammar because my droids inabilty to accept the shift or symbol buttons, i woke up to the horrible realization ten years after the fact. i had invited a gay sociopathic liar to my home where he stole my first harry potter book and took a bit of money from me purchasing a terrible book. i never heard from him again and the sad thing is that i trusted him. this trust in the good in people has led me to make some of the worst decisions of my life. i attended his brothers funeral btw.

i feel absolutely terrible and yet i feel like this could be a start to mending some of my self hatred. it wasnt because of my lack of being on top of things. alton had a responsibility too and he failed it. all this time, i held on responsibilty, relieving others of it... like i have had to do with my brother and father. i grieve now in these early hours.

all growed up

i gotta say this with a drop of regret but gosh darn it, i dislike blogspotm interface and what is worse, i cant use the shift key or use apostrophes on this droid. this enrages me like a mofo figged with no milk in sight.

i dont sound coherent and what more is i dont care. i am enraged at a few other things in my life that this doesnt seem that important. rustling through the files that i roughly arranged in my head, i have come to the conclusion that i am a pretty unhappy selfish person who is incapable of appreciating the bounty of what i have. i have wonderful friends with good hearts.

i am seeing a guy who makes my heart full and my head empty and they are both wonderful states to be in. he just lent me his redskins jersey to wear and this gesture has made me feel warm and liked.

i live with a family who cares and needs me and though they are full of flaws, they too have their qualities that make me realize how much im missing without them in my daily life. but as my mother said, it wasnt until i got into therapy, that i learned to say no. i learned this from my cousin during my aunts funeral last tuesday. we sat down in a well known korean restaurant in flushing. the very room that my cousin got married in and divorced yet a month later. the bride was displeased with the idea of her husband being unable to give her the financially bountiful lifestyle that she obviously craved. i miss my aunt and i am relieved that she didnt suffer a slow painful death to the brain tumor that developed quickly. i only knew of the tumor because i overheard my mother reveal the details on the phone. i learnt about the expected arrival of a third child from my cousin who had learned bout it from of course my mother.

if i were to try to be a family member, perhaps i should listen to my mother and suppress the bubbling rage that simmers when i hear her voice. i know she isnt the source of my issues and even if she has, im a grown woman who has figured out some truths in life,albeit a lot later than some folks.

i have been pretty angry though. angrier than i thought possible to sustain over months. an anger that festers in my heart and guts while my head pleads some sense into them. they cannot forgive and i am in danger of imploding with the sensibility of a super saturated sponge of a goddess, taken for granted after a million forgivenesses and nonjudgmental actions and thoughts, she devolves into a tornado of wrath. wishing the worst on the ants. the goddess of course has more power than i currently hold in this social, economical, cultural, spiritual, career status. if i had won in anything, its that my ignorance or distaihas left me content . ive been cast from my hellish eden of simpilicty, loneliness, despair, into a more complex rigid restructuring of myslef and my surroundingscast into a mold that i long to belong to, if only myswcurity was secured.

i closed y eyes for a few minutes. i am weary from these words blurbling out of. my inner voice was clearly restive for this moment of cleansing confession. but i will nap on the bus and believe that people can form something bigger and better for themselves.

OY

5:45 am - Half awake, I hear someone coming into the bedroom. Thankfully I had the sensibility to cover up my nudity with a blanket because yay, it's my father. He peers at me and realizes his mistake that I'm not my mother. He goes away.

6:10 am - Now I'm fully awake because of my father's ranting about my unclean room. He screams in that shrill voice of his, a childish sound of someone demanding attention because he gets none in this world. I tell him to get out to no avail. I resort to plunking my face down on my pillow and ignoring him. I lock the door to the 2nd floor behind him and then I lock my bedroom door.

6:45 am - It's too late. I'm fully awake and I've only gotten 4 hours of fitful sleep. I will do like Marsha Linehan and get through this day with mindfulness. I will not dwell on how I wish I had the option to afford housing or how my parents owe me money or how I owe them for helping me out when I was broken or how I wish my parents would understand that they have more to lose by pushing me aside than I do losing them.

7:15 am - I'm sitting here, A/C on full blast even though it's relatively cool up here. It's to block out the sound of my father yelling. I'm typing because if I don't, I will become depressed.

I wish that I wrote about this during a time of placidity but it's not meant to be. I proposed to M. My first marriage proposal - it makes me smile. Even though I knew his answer (no, of course; accepting a marriage would be unpragmatic), I knew that this was the right thing to do. Ever have one of those lucid moment in between boredom and anxiety, where you are exactly who you are? That's what it was for me.

Calle Ocho

Rushing to Flushing to go to dentist to plug in my loose crown - $20

Birthday drinks and dinner with acquaintance - $50.

Okay I have to admit that Calle Ocho was pretty good. The people were fabulous, the Spanish Harlem sangria was spicy enough to keep me gulping and even the bathroom conversations were intriguing enough for me to hover around their great large stalls. I had the duck with lentils and sauce, and the duck was tasty with the sprouts, soft, red, meaty, better than beef. The talk was centered around the birthday girl's vacation to Iceland, home of tall blondes, best butter, fleece, stalking horses, hot spring/thermal power plant runoff, andddd artic char. Then it was about the fact that one of my friends doesn't want to speak to her parents after about 3 months of ignoring them. At some point, the conversation veered to the birthday girl exclaiming how her parents want her to have children and want it in a very bad way. Mind you, she's still very single and working as a radiologist. My friends claim that I practically shrieked, "Do you want to breed now?" Later my gf asked me if I was angry because I sounded it.

I admit it; I have a problem with rage as of late. My best friend claims it because of all the shit my family dumps on me. It's been coming out in the game. But where as in the past, I would stew about how bad I felt about lashing out at guildies, I approached them and told them exactly why I got triggered which lead to conversations of what we both thought. I came away, feeling a little more self-respect than I usually would have come away in that situation.

When my dentist casually asked me how the dating scene was going with me, I told him that between school and work, it's been difficult to prioritize it. I joked about him giving me some advice. He said,

"Forget about getting to know each other really well. If you meet someone you get along with, just get married because the more you don't know about each other, the better the marriage is. Because when you wake up each day, you don't want to know everything about this person. It's what keeps the marriage interesting."

Interesting advice eh?