Oh what a night

after a dream about a cousin of my cousin and attending his brothers, and reminder please forgive the lack ofproper grammar because my droids inabilty to accept the shift or symbol buttons, i woke up to the horrible realization ten years after the fact. i had invited a gay sociopathic liar to my home where he stole my first harry potter book and took a bit of money from me purchasing a terrible book. i never heard from him again and the sad thing is that i trusted him. this trust in the good in people has led me to make some of the worst decisions of my life. i attended his brothers funeral btw.

i feel absolutely terrible and yet i feel like this could be a start to mending some of my self hatred. it wasnt because of my lack of being on top of things. alton had a responsibility too and he failed it. all this time, i held on responsibilty, relieving others of it... like i have had to do with my brother and father. i grieve now in these early hours.

all growed up

i gotta say this with a drop of regret but gosh darn it, i dislike blogspotm interface and what is worse, i cant use the shift key or use apostrophes on this droid. this enrages me like a mofo figged with no milk in sight.

i dont sound coherent and what more is i dont care. i am enraged at a few other things in my life that this doesnt seem that important. rustling through the files that i roughly arranged in my head, i have come to the conclusion that i am a pretty unhappy selfish person who is incapable of appreciating the bounty of what i have. i have wonderful friends with good hearts.

i am seeing a guy who makes my heart full and my head empty and they are both wonderful states to be in. he just lent me his redskins jersey to wear and this gesture has made me feel warm and liked.

i live with a family who cares and needs me and though they are full of flaws, they too have their qualities that make me realize how much im missing without them in my daily life. but as my mother said, it wasnt until i got into therapy, that i learned to say no. i learned this from my cousin during my aunts funeral last tuesday. we sat down in a well known korean restaurant in flushing. the very room that my cousin got married in and divorced yet a month later. the bride was displeased with the idea of her husband being unable to give her the financially bountiful lifestyle that she obviously craved. i miss my aunt and i am relieved that she didnt suffer a slow painful death to the brain tumor that developed quickly. i only knew of the tumor because i overheard my mother reveal the details on the phone. i learnt about the expected arrival of a third child from my cousin who had learned bout it from of course my mother.

if i were to try to be a family member, perhaps i should listen to my mother and suppress the bubbling rage that simmers when i hear her voice. i know she isnt the source of my issues and even if she has, im a grown woman who has figured out some truths in life,albeit a lot later than some folks.

i have been pretty angry though. angrier than i thought possible to sustain over months. an anger that festers in my heart and guts while my head pleads some sense into them. they cannot forgive and i am in danger of imploding with the sensibility of a super saturated sponge of a goddess, taken for granted after a million forgivenesses and nonjudgmental actions and thoughts, she devolves into a tornado of wrath. wishing the worst on the ants. the goddess of course has more power than i currently hold in this social, economical, cultural, spiritual, career status. if i had won in anything, its that my ignorance or distaihas left me content . ive been cast from my hellish eden of simpilicty, loneliness, despair, into a more complex rigid restructuring of myslef and my surroundingscast into a mold that i long to belong to, if only myswcurity was secured.

i closed y eyes for a few minutes. i am weary from these words blurbling out of. my inner voice was clearly restive for this moment of cleansing confession. but i will nap on the bus and believe that people can form something bigger and better for themselves.

OY

5:45 am - Half awake, I hear someone coming into the bedroom. Thankfully I had the sensibility to cover up my nudity with a blanket because yay, it's my father. He peers at me and realizes his mistake that I'm not my mother. He goes away.

6:10 am - Now I'm fully awake because of my father's ranting about my unclean room. He screams in that shrill voice of his, a childish sound of someone demanding attention because he gets none in this world. I tell him to get out to no avail. I resort to plunking my face down on my pillow and ignoring him. I lock the door to the 2nd floor behind him and then I lock my bedroom door.

6:45 am - It's too late. I'm fully awake and I've only gotten 4 hours of fitful sleep. I will do like Marsha Linehan and get through this day with mindfulness. I will not dwell on how I wish I had the option to afford housing or how my parents owe me money or how I owe them for helping me out when I was broken or how I wish my parents would understand that they have more to lose by pushing me aside than I do losing them.

7:15 am - I'm sitting here, A/C on full blast even though it's relatively cool up here. It's to block out the sound of my father yelling. I'm typing because if I don't, I will become depressed.

I wish that I wrote about this during a time of placidity but it's not meant to be. I proposed to M. My first marriage proposal - it makes me smile. Even though I knew his answer (no, of course; accepting a marriage would be unpragmatic), I knew that this was the right thing to do. Ever have one of those lucid moment in between boredom and anxiety, where you are exactly who you are? That's what it was for me.

Calle Ocho

Rushing to Flushing to go to dentist to plug in my loose crown - $20

Birthday drinks and dinner with acquaintance - $50.

Okay I have to admit that Calle Ocho was pretty good. The people were fabulous, the Spanish Harlem sangria was spicy enough to keep me gulping and even the bathroom conversations were intriguing enough for me to hover around their great large stalls. I had the duck with lentils and sauce, and the duck was tasty with the sprouts, soft, red, meaty, better than beef. The talk was centered around the birthday girl's vacation to Iceland, home of tall blondes, best butter, fleece, stalking horses, hot spring/thermal power plant runoff, andddd artic char. Then it was about the fact that one of my friends doesn't want to speak to her parents after about 3 months of ignoring them. At some point, the conversation veered to the birthday girl exclaiming how her parents want her to have children and want it in a very bad way. Mind you, she's still very single and working as a radiologist. My friends claim that I practically shrieked, "Do you want to breed now?" Later my gf asked me if I was angry because I sounded it.

I admit it; I have a problem with rage as of late. My best friend claims it because of all the shit my family dumps on me. It's been coming out in the game. But where as in the past, I would stew about how bad I felt about lashing out at guildies, I approached them and told them exactly why I got triggered which lead to conversations of what we both thought. I came away, feeling a little more self-respect than I usually would have come away in that situation.

When my dentist casually asked me how the dating scene was going with me, I told him that between school and work, it's been difficult to prioritize it. I joked about him giving me some advice. He said,

"Forget about getting to know each other really well. If you meet someone you get along with, just get married because the more you don't know about each other, the better the marriage is. Because when you wake up each day, you don't want to know everything about this person. It's what keeps the marriage interesting."

Interesting advice eh?

Silly willy

I'm trying to come up with coherent sentences to be appealing but I seem to have slowed down into an introspective, dim mood. I wonder if I'm getting stupider.

So turns out...

Turns out I was pretty wrong in my construct.
Turns out I got what I wanted all this time and was blind to it all.

Thanks.

Hate

If what I did was right, why do I feel so much hate? Will this hate finally go away from a week? A month? Maybe if I'm lucky, a year? Will it infect my perspective of the very people I love and who encouraged me? Will it age me? Will I remain cold inside, having no room for warmth or affection? Will I fall back into my depression, languid and still while raving in my head?