Found on a ripped notepad paper.

10/13/05
Reflect on participation in DBT TDTP:
Think about how you were feeling first intake apt.
I came with my mother, confident that these professionals could convey the severity of my illness.  I feel calm like I had my speil and I just had to touch on my issues, when it was over, we talked a little and I felt better about this decision that this in such anticipation.

Easy to fall into guilt.
It’s what they do with the anger.

90 secs.

Remember the first day for groups:
I came in on my birthday but I believe I missed the entire day., so the next Monday, I remmeber the lack of cohesion in the group.  So I approached the first person I saw and introduced myself to them.  The role of the class was comforting and that was it.  No core so I left.

4 min.

Smell of hunger - change of …
The creeping hope.  It wasn’t an angelic voice of hope eternal.  It was a little old man sitting on a bench, feeding the squirrels and pigeons.  He appeared out of nowhere and I watched him carefully with his gruff expression.  He looked scary but he just wanted to watch the birds and smile at the greedy squirrels.  He as hoe is ugly and strange and annoying but he’s patient about his role.  I think growing up as an adult, you love your faith in religion, organized systems of government, parents, and most devastatingly, hope.  It’s like reaching for a familiar book and it’s not there anymore.  But it has come back in.

Book idea

"The Impatient Girl's Guide to Starting Over" found on a 7/14/10 to-do list.

I ache

The physical pain, I can ease out of.
It's this inner restlessness that worries me.
I feel unsettled, underwhelmed.
No wonder, I have no home.
I forgot so conveniently when I'm away.

Horking

So I'm homeless. It was inevitable considering that I would be with the impeding move.  It just happened sooner than I liked.

Overall, domestic violence?  It sucks.
Emotional chaos? Sucks.
Couch surfing sucks.
Even casual sex sucks. Mostly because I need to be sane, safe and happy. Also, sleepy guys with no imagination of what to do to get a girl off suck. Sleepy guys who come without an orgasm suck.  Even though I'm grateful he let me stay over, I still want to get mine, you know?
Crying sucks.

But connecting with my mom rocks.
Realizing that I still am optimistic of my future rocks.
Being stronger than this rocks.
Realizing I was right rocks.
Knowing who my real friends are really rocks.

Getting a kick to the ass regarding housing is a mixed blessing.

Gummy Sneakers

I'm on the train, on my way to CBT.  I'm looking at a place that seems too good to be true. I see a guy checking me out. I wonder if it's all in my head. I shake my head. I think about the bbq once and then think bout M. And then J. And then A. Men...boys.  I should be talking; I feel like a needy child

I think about how beautiful it feels to swim topless, with or without an audience. I had a flush on my lips and cheeks, a good thing when i've been feeling sallow and drained. Energy is within my reach. Sure, it will take some gasping and sputtering. Thanks you douche for pointing it out. Ugh I feel stinky. I doubt that I am but maybe my clothes are. My nose hurts, probably from the poor air quality in this heat wave. Thank science for air conditioning. The subway is cool and calming, like an artificial breeze. I decide I will miss the MTA because of their awesome A/C. The DC Metro has a more antiquated cooling system...but at least it works. Train of thought, boxes, packing, mess, jury, check, moving, id, what to do, contact, find peace, moving in August? I don't want to. I wish I knew what to do. I wish someone else would do the work. I wish I had an ice capp, lars, art, so much for a summer of art making, tripping, falling, smoosh, blood on the tracks washing away, water below splishing, pain, ghosts, making headway, chest, men, folks, new yorkers, sex, obsession, virgins, cute, tall, handsome, headset not on, dumb phone, dim me, wood chips.

Peter Peter

Yesterday I was coming home from Boston's bbq on the 7 train. It be 4am. Guy follows closely behind me.  He didn't even blip on my radar on the train, I was absorbed in 'Ender's Game' and white cheddar Cheez-its.  I've wished for a cute guy to get the balls to hit on me before...but I don't think that I will be wishing for that now.  I knew something was off so I modified my name to the short abbreviation that I despise. I gave as little info and didn't approach him when he would ask me to come to him.  What the fuck did he think I would do?  I'm not a wild one...unless bed-head and sparkly t-shirt are indicators that imply otherwise.  Ugh, next time I start feeling unsafe, I bring out the mace.

He: 'hey come here."
Me: 'I have mace.'

I hate that implication that he is a threat, that my fear is elevated and that my decision to threaten bodily harm would reveal that to him.

Oh Significant Other?

Loving you may have been the stupidest thing I've done but I'm a better person for it.

On the other hand, sometimes you can't come through for me when I need you.  This is okay; I need to vocalize that I really do need you sometimes.  I don't do that with anyone.  That's a problem...it feels very lonely out there when I am hyper-aware of my lack of security in self.

I know you would have come through if I had asked.  It just didn't occur to me.