OY

5:45 am - Half awake, I hear someone coming into the bedroom. Thankfully I had the sensibility to cover up my nudity with a blanket because yay, it's my father. He peers at me and realizes his mistake that I'm not my mother. He goes away.

6:10 am - Now I'm fully awake because of my father's ranting about my unclean room. He screams in that shrill voice of his, a childish sound of someone demanding attention because he gets none in this world. I tell him to get out to no avail. I resort to plunking my face down on my pillow and ignoring him. I lock the door to the 2nd floor behind him and then I lock my bedroom door.

6:45 am - It's too late. I'm fully awake and I've only gotten 4 hours of fitful sleep. I will do like Marsha Linehan and get through this day with mindfulness. I will not dwell on how I wish I had the option to afford housing or how my parents owe me money or how I owe them for helping me out when I was broken or how I wish my parents would understand that they have more to lose by pushing me aside than I do losing them.

7:15 am - I'm sitting here, A/C on full blast even though it's relatively cool up here. It's to block out the sound of my father yelling. I'm typing because if I don't, I will become depressed.

I wish that I wrote about this during a time of placidity but it's not meant to be. I proposed to M. My first marriage proposal - it makes me smile. Even though I knew his answer (no, of course; accepting a marriage would be unpragmatic), I knew that this was the right thing to do. Ever have one of those lucid moment in between boredom and anxiety, where you are exactly who you are? That's what it was for me.

Calle Ocho

Rushing to Flushing to go to dentist to plug in my loose crown - $20

Birthday drinks and dinner with acquaintance - $50.

Okay I have to admit that Calle Ocho was pretty good. The people were fabulous, the Spanish Harlem sangria was spicy enough to keep me gulping and even the bathroom conversations were intriguing enough for me to hover around their great large stalls. I had the duck with lentils and sauce, and the duck was tasty with the sprouts, soft, red, meaty, better than beef. The talk was centered around the birthday girl's vacation to Iceland, home of tall blondes, best butter, fleece, stalking horses, hot spring/thermal power plant runoff, andddd artic char. Then it was about the fact that one of my friends doesn't want to speak to her parents after about 3 months of ignoring them. At some point, the conversation veered to the birthday girl exclaiming how her parents want her to have children and want it in a very bad way. Mind you, she's still very single and working as a radiologist. My friends claim that I practically shrieked, "Do you want to breed now?" Later my gf asked me if I was angry because I sounded it.

I admit it; I have a problem with rage as of late. My best friend claims it because of all the shit my family dumps on me. It's been coming out in the game. But where as in the past, I would stew about how bad I felt about lashing out at guildies, I approached them and told them exactly why I got triggered which lead to conversations of what we both thought. I came away, feeling a little more self-respect than I usually would have come away in that situation.

When my dentist casually asked me how the dating scene was going with me, I told him that between school and work, it's been difficult to prioritize it. I joked about him giving me some advice. He said,

"Forget about getting to know each other really well. If you meet someone you get along with, just get married because the more you don't know about each other, the better the marriage is. Because when you wake up each day, you don't want to know everything about this person. It's what keeps the marriage interesting."

Interesting advice eh?

Silly willy

I'm trying to come up with coherent sentences to be appealing but I seem to have slowed down into an introspective, dim mood. I wonder if I'm getting stupider.

So turns out...

Turns out I was pretty wrong in my construct.
Turns out I got what I wanted all this time and was blind to it all.

Thanks.

Hate

If what I did was right, why do I feel so much hate? Will this hate finally go away from a week? A month? Maybe if I'm lucky, a year? Will it infect my perspective of the very people I love and who encouraged me? Will it age me? Will I remain cold inside, having no room for warmth or affection? Will I fall back into my depression, languid and still while raving in my head?

Wrong and so right

I get a 7:45 am text message from Mr. Exguildie. It's nice to know that I'm wrong.

But I made it short and sweet with Mr. Friend.

"I need to be selfish so we need to stop having sex. Because you've been selfish."

I'm pretty numb right now but I feel like I did the right thing, for the first time, in a long time.

This should make things pretty interesting in the guild.

For instance, I decided to delete a thread that I started. I felt good about deleting everyone's contributions because you know what? Without my starting it, nothing would have come of random chatter. Now, it's like I never started it. And I won't have to live with thinking about actually thinking that something would come of it.

A few minutes later

I'm still very very angry.

I'm drying off after a shower to cleanup a night of intense dancing in a hookah lounge.

I'm thinking about a guildie I met at the barbeque.
I'm thinking about how I offered my number.
I'm thinking about how he kept suggesting that we go in the other room.
I remember thinking how dorky that was.
I remember feeling good about telling him that I'm not looking for hookups anymore but I am interested in talking with him.
I'm thinking about how nice it would be to connect to a guy.
I was thinking about how nice it was to say no.

And then, a week after the barbeque, I realized I constructed a fantasy that was never going to happen.

And oh I'm not crushed or defeated.

I'm angry.

I'm angry that I feel entitled to be considered as a possible friend.

I feel angry that I thought that maybe I'm learning how to connect to people better.

Then I feel angry toward thinking about someone I'll called "Mr. Friend".

Status of my feelings toward Mr. Friend: intense, "I want to claw his eyes out" anger.

I don't want to be the fucking grownup. But guess what, I'm going to have to. Because holy shit, god forbid a guy actually does the decent thing and let go of someone who has intense feelings for him.

I'm so tired.

I'm so angry.

I'm thinking about how would the guild take this? Do I give a fuck about his best friend?

Another thing to gripe about: okay I fucking talk a lot. Why do you fucking join a guild in the first place?

Another thing to think about: bread and butter. Random sleepy topic.

Perhaps I'm looking at the wrong men to be angry at.

My father deserves most of the anger.

But I know I still need something from Mr. Friend and stuff. My eyelids are shutting. Yay. Good night.