...it's most likely a good thing. I would rather stay somewhere else. At least 5 guys in the area would let me crash, just because of the size of my boobies alone.
But it's not easy to shrug off the aching feeling that rises with the knowledge that he can't share his apartment with me...ever. That feeling likes to morph into the idea that he doesn't like me. And from that 'he doesn't like me' pain, comes the feeling of being used. Overall, it's all a slopbucket of disappointment, coating my body in a familar odor of shame.
It's hard to love a guy who doesn't want to share his apartment with me. The only other guy who I know went through this, stopped talking to me because I asked him to stop talking about his girlfriend. His girlfriend only wanted him to tell her that he wanted her in his life, his apartment, as his wife. I know he will never trust her and yet, he doesn't want to let go. He would rather that I sympathize with his frustrations of the demands on his freedom, his precious freedom. I hope he lives his life in the satisfaction of his freedoms.
Why do I choose to love M? I can't imagine not loving him. And yet, I know one day, I will be fed up with his inability to say 'I love you', his inability to ask me to move in, his inability to ask me to be his wife. And when that happens, I know I will never settle for a guy who can't do those things.
And that time hasn't happened yet. So let me enjoy my relationship, the imperfect one with its moments of joy.
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