Gummy Sneakers

I'm on the train, on my way to CBT.  I'm looking at a place that seems too good to be true. I see a guy checking me out. I wonder if it's all in my head. I shake my head. I think about the bbq once and then think bout M. And then J. And then A. Men...boys.  I should be talking; I feel like a needy child

I think about how beautiful it feels to swim topless, with or without an audience. I had a flush on my lips and cheeks, a good thing when i've been feeling sallow and drained. Energy is within my reach. Sure, it will take some gasping and sputtering. Thanks you douche for pointing it out. Ugh I feel stinky. I doubt that I am but maybe my clothes are. My nose hurts, probably from the poor air quality in this heat wave. Thank science for air conditioning. The subway is cool and calming, like an artificial breeze. I decide I will miss the MTA because of their awesome A/C. The DC Metro has a more antiquated cooling system...but at least it works. Train of thought, boxes, packing, mess, jury, check, moving, id, what to do, contact, find peace, moving in August? I don't want to. I wish I knew what to do. I wish someone else would do the work. I wish I had an ice capp, lars, art, so much for a summer of art making, tripping, falling, smoosh, blood on the tracks washing away, water below splishing, pain, ghosts, making headway, chest, men, folks, new yorkers, sex, obsession, virgins, cute, tall, handsome, headset not on, dumb phone, dim me, wood chips.

Peter Peter

Yesterday I was coming home from Boston's bbq on the 7 train. It be 4am. Guy follows closely behind me.  He didn't even blip on my radar on the train, I was absorbed in 'Ender's Game' and white cheddar Cheez-its.  I've wished for a cute guy to get the balls to hit on me before...but I don't think that I will be wishing for that now.  I knew something was off so I modified my name to the short abbreviation that I despise. I gave as little info and didn't approach him when he would ask me to come to him.  What the fuck did he think I would do?  I'm not a wild one...unless bed-head and sparkly t-shirt are indicators that imply otherwise.  Ugh, next time I start feeling unsafe, I bring out the mace.

He: 'hey come here."
Me: 'I have mace.'

I hate that implication that he is a threat, that my fear is elevated and that my decision to threaten bodily harm would reveal that to him.

Oh Significant Other?

Loving you may have been the stupidest thing I've done but I'm a better person for it.

On the other hand, sometimes you can't come through for me when I need you.  This is okay; I need to vocalize that I really do need you sometimes.  I don't do that with anyone.  That's a problem...it feels very lonely out there when I am hyper-aware of my lack of security in self.

I know you would have come through if I had asked.  It just didn't occur to me.

I'm riding this bus so hard that...

My coccyx is aching. 
Damn my wearing socks, while going down slippery steps, while being tipsy, 2 years ago during the Super Bowl.

Damn you snotty ass women who turn their noses up.  I can't imagine why some men want to be with you. 

Damn you slow folks who think I want to hear from you.  I'm not giving you any reason to think that I don't, except for my silence.  So perhaps it's just "Damn me".  But no, damn you.

Huh, the man I love has Asperger's Syndrome.

I was talking to my therapist and she concluded after much discussion about the maybe-boyfriend, that he has Asperger's.  I suspected as much but still, it was a shock to realize she might be right. 
It's scary to think of the implications...children with some level of autism? Running a household alone? Not having my guy there during a crisis? These are the things dangled by authors and commenters of books. 
It's easy to counter all of these things.  I don't know if he will be my primary partner.  All things considered, he'd be happier being my secondary boyfriend with none of the labels or environmental changes to worry about.  My guy is capable of being there for a crisis if I tell him exactly what I need.  He is more than capable of living on his own, more than me.
This is hard...it's really hard. 
I really love the guy.

Wow

Ever have one of those days where you feel pain all over your body, from the top of your head to the innards of your guts?  This is definitely one of those days.  I can't tell if the pain precedes the emotional agony or vice versa.  However, most days, it's endurable.  I just kinda wish I had a hug. 

Not that I didn't get an offer for some company; I had two, one to a fashion show thingy, another, a guy invited me over.  I disregarded the fashion show and I reminded the guy of his laundry waiting for some time.  I somewhat regret not taking anyone up on their offer.

At least I got my art exhibit entries in.  I'm pretty proud of them. 

I try not to dwell on the pain.  I need not to.  I feel the need to get everything else in order.  But perhaps, it's time to get the basics down.
 

Desire for a man or a woman

I listened to a podcast that said a man ought to want to feel the palpable desire of a woman for him. 

I think I hit the nail on the head when I say...very few men inspire that palpable desire from me.  This fact makes my slutty side pause.  Without desire, the basic urge and neediness for this particular person's thoughts, respect and well-being, sex is just rutting in pleasure, for sure.  But an empty pleasure like cotton candy...a lot of pretty, fancy crystals that melts away prettily in my mouth, leave not much but a stomach full of dyed sugar. 

Thank goodness I have some okay friends who respect women.