SS

How beautiful

How beautiful, wonderful is my relief with releasing, pain throbbing in my chest yet it's one of the most reaffirming reasons to be alive. I've carried pain for this long and now I feel...free to have it.

How confusing. A WoW blog associated with these emotions. The person who manipulates XYZ movement for a representation of self. This is all related to how my self, in game and in real life have developed into something new.

A player has remarked several times of how he heard that I'm into pain. I always chuckle to myself, never elaborating on what it is because it's none of his/their business. Yes, I associate pain with change. My tears are a result of searching for a facility that has been buried with the gross mess of daily chores, relationships, to-do lists. I wish to flex it and to radically twist my perspective to accept something new, it results in a medley of reactions that bubble beneath the surface. The low boil has come to its peak. I've found my selfishness and I gladly embrace it. I will live for myself and not for my parents nor my brother, nor for those who do regard me highly and those who think of myself in a slight manner like one thinks of Barbie dolls and mopheads.

So why do I write here? I have a mute audience. It feels like I write on a wall where someone may happen to pass by and glance at scribbles. I think that's why I left Xanga. That need to see who approves of my writing, a popularity contest. There's no winning here.

I am not sorry for who I am or what I write. I will write about the things I love and experience because one day, I will forget and the memory will haunt me because I would not be able to name it.

I am glad because the day where my contract to the many will be on hold temporarily. I will play the game how I want to, be free in my aloneness and loneliness to be beholded to noone. All mothers need a break from their wills being for others, unconsciously listening for that question, ready with answers. In my breaking from the herd, I will relearn how to do things for myself.

This pain of feeling light as a feather brings a smile to my face. The intensive labor of anger had been productive.

Sunshine and lollipops

Sometimes I wonder how my brother does it. How he can live, having picked up dead, burning bodies from the rubble of war. How tense he seems even with his easy pace. He thrives on pretty girls and gourmet food, never skimping for less, always for the better.

I grind my teeth on wasabi peas, relishing the intense pain of a nasal burn one particular pea flares up. It comes and goes within 3 seconds. At the least, it distracts me from the inner pain that stems from fear, want, disappointment, and the darker bloom of thoughts of wishing to end this prickling of tears that threatens to spill onto my cheeks while people carefully watch for me as they exit the elevators. Or they completely disregard me. No matter.

My back is sore, aching on my left shoulder bone, blossoming around my neck and lower back. I am in pain. I think I'm more in pain because of the infatuation. I learned what I want from a guy and it's integrity. It's the drive to do more, do better. And it's a wonderful, terrible thing.

I am on the subway platform, rushing to catch the V at 5:20...I am late leaving the office. I remember feeling vaguely displeased for being in the front car as I'd have to take a long walk to the other end of the platform at my station. I remember thinking that a small gap at the door may not have made it a secure place to lean on. But I bury my head in my WoW raid strategy guides and meticulously figure out my role. The train rolls into Northern Blvd. A violent blow to my back rouses me up and I make a conscious effort to hear the insistent screeching, plastic shards flying, female conductor yelling with catching breaths and the gasps of the passengers. Me with my moods flashing from annoyance, to awareness, to gauging the situation in seconds and feeling my heart leap. Someone jumped in front of the train. The body is in the conductor's booth. There is a gap to look in the booth. Look away from booth, catch breath, cover mouth from rising smoke and potential burning flesh, just don't look at the body, look at anyone else' face to confirm the horrid limpness of the body and pray the conductor is fine. She's radioing it in, to turn off the power, raised voice, fighting panic and disgust.

As I murmur my excuse me walking to the back of the car, I wonder why the other people wish to have the image of a dead body embedded in their brains. There's an open door and I hop out, walking fast, looking through the windows at curious eyes, faces, mouths open. I'm glad for their ignorance.

The walk home is a daze. I observe my cold hands, the slight tremors, the fuzziness of my surroundings. I desperately want a hug or a hand to soothe away the dull pains of my back. I call a couple of friends, sit at my chair, looking, nothing, feeling nothing.

Getaway

My chest is heavy with an upheaval of worry and disappointment, some self-berating swirling, aerating the mixture. I pace in circles, mentally trying to untwine this procedure of figuring out who is the person to prod to action. I'm referring to my high school reunion which is just...something, I cannot even think of the word. This mystery word inspires the want for a catartic release: soothing tears (temporary) or scarring myself (permanent). I think I should go with the tears.

There is so much I want to write but this duty is clouding my vision.

Illidan

I haven't been writing in Tankspot because I'm bored. I have plenty of projects to do and plenty of work but... I can't see the point anymore. I'm at a dreaded block, chipping away at the wall with fingernails.

So I'll write about Illidan. Last night, my guild made our first attempt where we got him to the last phase, finishing at 21% which was pretty breath-taking. I tanked one Flame of Azzinoth.

But earlier in the day, I rushed terribly to get to 260 Fire Resistence. I had naively thought that I was set with all the badge gear, not realizing that so many other materials were necessary to get to a set number. The generosity of a rogue with his leg enchant (I had collected all the mats before I was just about to head out to Dire Maul) and crafting my Flame kits, a mage who helped me with tremendous patience through my OCD tendencies to loot everything for a very long quest chain and a shaman who helped me finish off the elite boss. To think I panicked that I wouldn't be able to get anything done, especially with my mother visiting for the weekend. I'm just really glad that I know some really cool people.

I keep getting distracted! Drawing little sketches, checking wowinsider for Blizzcon updates, thinking of this website where they post funny tells from wow...

I must have a crush. Oy. I really want to ask this fellow out but, when I look at it honestly, I realize we don't even have a foundation of friendship to build on...only a mutual grinding of personalities where I enrage and he...enjoys the raging. I fantasize about pinning him down and making him endure a stream of bad grammar, just something to make him NOT right. Sigh, I'm twisted. At least almost everyone in guild knows and accepts this...even a raid leader made a crack of something S&M related...wish I remembered what! Anyways, I want to be friends with a guy I'm interested in, not just sex buddies.

Speaking of sex buddies, I truly don't know what to do about finding a committed relationship and playing around. I don't believe it has to be either/or but it's hard to find an open-minded fellow who can wrap their heads around it. I mean on Saturday, I had the opportunity to meet with two lovely men who were in a relationship and get simulateously stimulated with groping and having my hair pulled. My fine behind, washed with his perpetual hardon as his boyfriend lovingly gazes at both of us and kissing his other with a hard passion, nuzzling above the crowd as they grow heated with the beat of the music. My fingers teasing his ass, marveling how beautiful they look, especially giggling to myself of how "frat boy" they look with their flannel/jeans/baseball cap combos. How can I ever pass up that? Would I ever want to?

That night did come with a price of a very swollen foot that is recovering for a large, broken blister and ringing in my ears. We'll have to see in a few days whether dancing for 5 hours straight was worth it. But as a friend said, ears and feet heal, memories last forever...or something like that. :)

I should write more about Illidan and the crappy happy adds which are a pain to tank but it's time for me to limp home.

Temptation, thou sprout from the tongue and languish in dreams.

What I learned when I was young:

Attraction isn't sexual euphoria and vice versa.
Sexual euphoria doesn't fade over time.
Attraction will hold you until you can't deal with it anymore.
Love has nothing to do with these two physical states of being.
However, love enhances them like $500 an ounce truffles.

I am shamefully thrilled to receive such consideration of my abilites.

Him: I'm booking my travel to *** a few weeks from now. But I'm finding it's like grocery shopping when you're hungry. Because I shamefully keep wondering whether I should take the ***->NYC flight with the 2.5 hour layover.

I am a bad man.

And I respond accordingly.

Him: No no no! Your line is "that's a great daydream, but of course you know it can't happen, I can't take a full day off of work to be with you, people would find out, etc., etc." Not "ooh that makes me horny, when can you be here"

Me: *clears throat*
no no no!
How was that?

Him: Unconvincing.

Me: Yep I'm grinning the entire time I wrote that

Him: I read that as "No, no, no, why would I take a full day of work to have you trapped in my place tied to my bed where I could tickle your balls with my tongue and rub your head on the back of my throat until you were delirious"
which, as I said, is very unconvincing.

Gathering thoughts on Black Temple

I'm trying to write notes for the third guild podcast and I find it impossible to concentrate on the flow of text that I must write. I have plenty to say but hardly have the patience to figure out how to structure it so I write in this blog to let it come out without self-censorship of my vocal/mental voice.

It's been a pretty good July.

Mother Sharaz
From the beginning, getting the equipment together was akin to a frentic backstage fashion show where there's a mad rush to get to the specialists with all the elements in its proper place. The trash was unique which made many cynical raiders glad as they were sick of the same old, same old. We had issues with the Mother Sharaz addon which worked out once Thursley figured out that the announce function was off. We still need to work out how the addon works but once people got the hang of the teleportation and moving in the proper direction, Mother Sharaz was down within 4 tries. My role as a tank was to spam holy shield, judge wisdom and auto-swing, exorcise and consecrate when I can and watch the main tank to pop the Lay of Hands when appropriate.

Illidari Council
Illidari Council is down, despite the odds that it shouldn't have worked with my pally shield being up. Last night, the raid leader tested out it on some mobs...it shouldn't have worked as well as it did but somehow we succeeded by pure conviction. It's High King Maulgar 2.0...the pull and getting away from the Area of Effect abilities was what made this fight. I have to say it was a personal challenge for myself to use my abilities within a merciless period of time. Creating specific macros and focus targets helped my pull. It took multiple attempts, quite a few elixirs, excellent healing and vocal communication to make it work.

Today
I'm not sure why but I feel shaken to my core. Like I could physically fall apart if someone should touch me even with a slight touch. I feel like a mesh of spider silk, easily whisked aside, my feelings fragmented into nothingness. I feel the need to be mute, to not interact with other people. Even meeting my girlfriend for our usual lunch date took a lot out of me.

Interpersonal Relations
I'm having a problem with a player. I realized that he pushes my buttons and I with my insufferable rage, respond accordingly. It reminds me of this article: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/03/magazine/03trolls-t.html with his attitude. Does my distress really amuse him so? Or is this what he's used to?