Online rental books are the worst idea ever for me

I finished some of my school work and have come to the conclusion that I am incapable of doing my reading on a monitor.  Not even if I was reading on my boyfriend's kickass laptop. I think I even prefer the kickass laptop at this moment, compared to my current desktop.
I miss intercourse. I really do. I love having a regular loving relationship but I miss the intensity of a guy who enjoys dick in pussy.  I do have a friend but...I don't know.  I don't think I'm actually attracted. And isn't that missing the point, if I slept with a person that I'm not attracted to? But what about intense sex? When do I get that? Maybe I ought to just suffer and build up some energy with a guy and keep it unrequited there too? I mean seriously, there be a lotta male testostoney energy here.

He's excited after all

I asked him last night if he's excited that I'm moving.  He said yes.  I was half-asleep when he kissed all over my face.  :)

Found on a computer paper, typed out in New Courier

To write out what happened last night:

M called me and told me about his weekend, asked me what I did, what songs get stuck in his head.  White Snake is prevalent lately...about being a loner.  Then there's the German song about 99 luftballoons, black and white cookie with Freddy Mercury, there's a song that used to be prevalent but not anymore which reminds me of him and me.  He said he did his school exericse, shot up some zombies (pew pew), PVPed, etc.  He was very nervous at some point, saying that I'm usually the one talking more than him.  This gave me the courage to bring up my question that had been burning a hole in my soul: if he knew that I liked him, then why did he keep the relationship going?  He said that because it was an issue before and though I didn't like that, he didn't want to have a long-distance relationship, I seemed to have accepted it and asked for it.  Then I asked him how he would react if a friend was in the same relationship.  He says that he tended to keep out of other people's businesses and everyone's situation is unique.  There was a point when I blanked out and stayed in silence while I digested his (ENDS HERE)

Handwritten:
THANK YOU GOD
I still need to sort out what it all means.
but our conversation cuts.
M calls. Jokes around, apologizes for being in the living room when I called.

Found on unicorn paper

Creative Negative Thoughts that I actually believed
Relationships/Love/Sex
- that I am doomed to be single forever (No, I'm not)
- that I'm in capable of making anyone happy (I do make people happy)
- that I don't deserve someone because of my negativity (People like me with my flaws)
- that love just isn't in my future because I'm fat, ugly, stupid, insecure (I'm not always those things).
- that if we can't make it work, it's my fault because I just didn't try enough (takes two to tango)
- that if I were only prettier and more decent, that I would be able to get whatever I wanted (I would still be just as insecure)
- that if I made someone really happy like with sex or love or affection, they would want to be with me (it can't last forever)
- that I could make someone fall in love with me if I was prettier (I can illegible)

Found on a ripped notepad paper.

10/13/05
Reflect on participation in DBT TDTP:
Think about how you were feeling first intake apt.
I came with my mother, confident that these professionals could convey the severity of my illness.  I feel calm like I had my speil and I just had to touch on my issues, when it was over, we talked a little and I felt better about this decision that this in such anticipation.

Easy to fall into guilt.
It’s what they do with the anger.

90 secs.

Remember the first day for groups:
I came in on my birthday but I believe I missed the entire day., so the next Monday, I remmeber the lack of cohesion in the group.  So I approached the first person I saw and introduced myself to them.  The role of the class was comforting and that was it.  No core so I left.

4 min.

Smell of hunger - change of …
The creeping hope.  It wasn’t an angelic voice of hope eternal.  It was a little old man sitting on a bench, feeding the squirrels and pigeons.  He appeared out of nowhere and I watched him carefully with his gruff expression.  He looked scary but he just wanted to watch the birds and smile at the greedy squirrels.  He as hoe is ugly and strange and annoying but he’s patient about his role.  I think growing up as an adult, you love your faith in religion, organized systems of government, parents, and most devastatingly, hope.  It’s like reaching for a familiar book and it’s not there anymore.  But it has come back in.

Book idea

"The Impatient Girl's Guide to Starting Over" found on a 7/14/10 to-do list.

I ache

The physical pain, I can ease out of.
It's this inner restlessness that worries me.
I feel unsettled, underwhelmed.
No wonder, I have no home.
I forgot so conveniently when I'm away.

Horking

So I'm homeless. It was inevitable considering that I would be with the impeding move.  It just happened sooner than I liked.

Overall, domestic violence?  It sucks.
Emotional chaos? Sucks.
Couch surfing sucks.
Even casual sex sucks. Mostly because I need to be sane, safe and happy. Also, sleepy guys with no imagination of what to do to get a girl off suck. Sleepy guys who come without an orgasm suck.  Even though I'm grateful he let me stay over, I still want to get mine, you know?
Crying sucks.

But connecting with my mom rocks.
Realizing that I still am optimistic of my future rocks.
Being stronger than this rocks.
Realizing I was right rocks.
Knowing who my real friends are really rocks.

Getting a kick to the ass regarding housing is a mixed blessing.

Gummy Sneakers

I'm on the train, on my way to CBT.  I'm looking at a place that seems too good to be true. I see a guy checking me out. I wonder if it's all in my head. I shake my head. I think about the bbq once and then think bout M. And then J. And then A. Men...boys.  I should be talking; I feel like a needy child

I think about how beautiful it feels to swim topless, with or without an audience. I had a flush on my lips and cheeks, a good thing when i've been feeling sallow and drained. Energy is within my reach. Sure, it will take some gasping and sputtering. Thanks you douche for pointing it out. Ugh I feel stinky. I doubt that I am but maybe my clothes are. My nose hurts, probably from the poor air quality in this heat wave. Thank science for air conditioning. The subway is cool and calming, like an artificial breeze. I decide I will miss the MTA because of their awesome A/C. The DC Metro has a more antiquated cooling system...but at least it works. Train of thought, boxes, packing, mess, jury, check, moving, id, what to do, contact, find peace, moving in August? I don't want to. I wish I knew what to do. I wish someone else would do the work. I wish I had an ice capp, lars, art, so much for a summer of art making, tripping, falling, smoosh, blood on the tracks washing away, water below splishing, pain, ghosts, making headway, chest, men, folks, new yorkers, sex, obsession, virgins, cute, tall, handsome, headset not on, dumb phone, dim me, wood chips.

Peter Peter

Yesterday I was coming home from Boston's bbq on the 7 train. It be 4am. Guy follows closely behind me.  He didn't even blip on my radar on the train, I was absorbed in 'Ender's Game' and white cheddar Cheez-its.  I've wished for a cute guy to get the balls to hit on me before...but I don't think that I will be wishing for that now.  I knew something was off so I modified my name to the short abbreviation that I despise. I gave as little info and didn't approach him when he would ask me to come to him.  What the fuck did he think I would do?  I'm not a wild one...unless bed-head and sparkly t-shirt are indicators that imply otherwise.  Ugh, next time I start feeling unsafe, I bring out the mace.

He: 'hey come here."
Me: 'I have mace.'

I hate that implication that he is a threat, that my fear is elevated and that my decision to threaten bodily harm would reveal that to him.

Oh Significant Other?

Loving you may have been the stupidest thing I've done but I'm a better person for it.

On the other hand, sometimes you can't come through for me when I need you.  This is okay; I need to vocalize that I really do need you sometimes.  I don't do that with anyone.  That's a problem...it feels very lonely out there when I am hyper-aware of my lack of security in self.

I know you would have come through if I had asked.  It just didn't occur to me.

I'm riding this bus so hard that...

My coccyx is aching. 
Damn my wearing socks, while going down slippery steps, while being tipsy, 2 years ago during the Super Bowl.

Damn you snotty ass women who turn their noses up.  I can't imagine why some men want to be with you. 

Damn you slow folks who think I want to hear from you.  I'm not giving you any reason to think that I don't, except for my silence.  So perhaps it's just "Damn me".  But no, damn you.

Huh, the man I love has Asperger's Syndrome.

I was talking to my therapist and she concluded after much discussion about the maybe-boyfriend, that he has Asperger's.  I suspected as much but still, it was a shock to realize she might be right. 
It's scary to think of the implications...children with some level of autism? Running a household alone? Not having my guy there during a crisis? These are the things dangled by authors and commenters of books. 
It's easy to counter all of these things.  I don't know if he will be my primary partner.  All things considered, he'd be happier being my secondary boyfriend with none of the labels or environmental changes to worry about.  My guy is capable of being there for a crisis if I tell him exactly what I need.  He is more than capable of living on his own, more than me.
This is hard...it's really hard. 
I really love the guy.

Wow

Ever have one of those days where you feel pain all over your body, from the top of your head to the innards of your guts?  This is definitely one of those days.  I can't tell if the pain precedes the emotional agony or vice versa.  However, most days, it's endurable.  I just kinda wish I had a hug. 

Not that I didn't get an offer for some company; I had two, one to a fashion show thingy, another, a guy invited me over.  I disregarded the fashion show and I reminded the guy of his laundry waiting for some time.  I somewhat regret not taking anyone up on their offer.

At least I got my art exhibit entries in.  I'm pretty proud of them. 

I try not to dwell on the pain.  I need not to.  I feel the need to get everything else in order.  But perhaps, it's time to get the basics down.
 

Desire for a man or a woman

I listened to a podcast that said a man ought to want to feel the palpable desire of a woman for him. 

I think I hit the nail on the head when I say...very few men inspire that palpable desire from me.  This fact makes my slutty side pause.  Without desire, the basic urge and neediness for this particular person's thoughts, respect and well-being, sex is just rutting in pleasure, for sure.  But an empty pleasure like cotton candy...a lot of pretty, fancy crystals that melts away prettily in my mouth, leave not much but a stomach full of dyed sugar. 

Thank goodness I have some okay friends who respect women.

There may come a time when...

There are so many contacts in this world and so many rules of etiquette that we make up along the way with the rise of social media.  Ultimately social media is a form of publicly announcing our whereabouts, our thoughts, our hopes and dreams and failures and mistakes, our misdeeds, a spectrum of a human life.  As we trapse alone with our lives, we are still connected to a giant bulletin board of stuff...a giant bulletin web if you will.  Once one strand is stirred, hordes of people will see you and judge. 

I don't think Weiner did a terrible misdeed.  He did a stupid mistake and lied in a terrible manner to try to cover his mistake.  So people call for him to step down because he was an idiot...but what makes him different from all other men?  A lot and probably a lot of those features made him a better man than others.

I see friends reveal and gossip and rant...and I wonder when do I have to stop doing those things for the sake of my career.

That terrible joy

I understand the depth of cruelty that we afflict onto each other but most of all, the cruelty afflicted to the self.  

When the guy you love can't let you stay the weekend without him...

...it's most likely a good thing.  I would rather stay somewhere else.  At least 5 guys in the area would let me crash, just because of the size of my boobies alone.

But it's not easy to shrug off the aching feeling that rises with the knowledge that he can't share his apartment with me...ever.  That feeling likes to morph into the idea that he doesn't like me.  And from that 'he doesn't like me' pain, comes the feeling of being used.  Overall, it's all a slopbucket of disappointment, coating my body in a familar odor of shame. 

It's hard to love a guy who doesn't want to share his apartment with me.  The only other guy who I know went through this, stopped talking to me because I asked him to stop talking about his girlfriend.  His girlfriend only wanted him to tell her that he wanted her in his life, his apartment, as his wife.  I know he will never trust her and yet, he doesn't want to let go.  He would rather that I sympathize with his frustrations of the demands on his freedom, his precious freedom.  I hope he lives his life in the satisfaction of his freedoms.

Why do I choose to love M?  I can't imagine not loving him.  And yet, I know one day, I will be fed up with his inability to say 'I love you', his inability to ask me to move in, his inability to ask me to be his wife.  And when that happens, I know I will never settle for a guy who can't do those things. 

And that time hasn't happened yet.  So let me enjoy my relationship, the imperfect one with its moments of joy.

Random hair tips from woman in courthouse bathroom

After showering and air drying, apply serum onto hair to keep moisture in.  Avoid grease. Get Surlurm, a thick leave in conditioner, brush it in.  Wavy hair makes it hard for natural oils to travel down the hair shaft.  Keratin without formadehyde is best as a treatment.  Check out beauty supply stores for the products.

Getting the elderly kicked out of jury duty, one creep at a time

If I come off mean with my title, please feel free to replace the word 'elderly' with 'attractive' or 'giddy' or the 'cheerleaders'.  This guy happened to be much older...and with some major boundary issues.

Thankfully, the lawyers kicked him off the juror panel.  They gave me the option of leaving or staying.  I in my 'Due South-ish' way, chose to stay to perform my civic duty...and I also didn't want to receive any privileges because of this unfortunate incident that went beyond what it ought to because I get pissed pretty easily as of late.

Is it all the easy sex?
Is it medication?
Is it me being hormonal?
Damn, am I preggers?
Damn, look at me, I'm back in my head :)