I finished some of my school work and have come to the conclusion that I am incapable of doing my reading on a monitor. Not even if I was reading on my boyfriend's kickass laptop. I think I even prefer the kickass laptop at this moment, compared to my current desktop.
I miss intercourse. I really do. I love having a regular loving relationship but I miss the intensity of a guy who enjoys dick in pussy. I do have a friend but...I don't know. I don't think I'm actually attracted. And isn't that missing the point, if I slept with a person that I'm not attracted to? But what about intense sex? When do I get that? Maybe I ought to just suffer and build up some energy with a guy and keep it unrequited there too? I mean seriously, there be a lotta male testostoney energy here.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Online rental books are the worst idea ever for me
Friday, August 19, 2011
He's excited after all
I asked him last night if he's excited that I'm moving. He said yes. I was half-asleep when he kissed all over my face. :)
Monday, August 15, 2011
Found on a computer paper, typed out in New Courier
To write out what happened last night:
M called me and told me about his weekend, asked me what I did, what songs get stuck in his head. White Snake is prevalent lately...about being a loner. Then there's the German song about 99 luftballoons, black and white cookie with Freddy Mercury, there's a song that used to be prevalent but not anymore which reminds me of him and me. He said he did his school exericse, shot up some zombies (pew pew), PVPed, etc. He was very nervous at some point, saying that I'm usually the one talking more than him. This gave me the courage to bring up my question that had been burning a hole in my soul: if he knew that I liked him, then why did he keep the relationship going? He said that because it was an issue before and though I didn't like that, he didn't want to have a long-distance relationship, I seemed to have accepted it and asked for it. Then I asked him how he would react if a friend was in the same relationship. He says that he tended to keep out of other people's businesses and everyone's situation is unique. There was a point when I blanked out and stayed in silence while I digested his (ENDS HERE)
Handwritten:
THANK YOU GOD
I still need to sort out what it all means.
but our conversation cuts.
M calls. Jokes around, apologizes for being in the living room when I called.
M called me and told me about his weekend, asked me what I did, what songs get stuck in his head. White Snake is prevalent lately...about being a loner. Then there's the German song about 99 luftballoons, black and white cookie with Freddy Mercury, there's a song that used to be prevalent but not anymore which reminds me of him and me. He said he did his school exericse, shot up some zombies (pew pew), PVPed, etc. He was very nervous at some point, saying that I'm usually the one talking more than him. This gave me the courage to bring up my question that had been burning a hole in my soul: if he knew that I liked him, then why did he keep the relationship going? He said that because it was an issue before and though I didn't like that, he didn't want to have a long-distance relationship, I seemed to have accepted it and asked for it. Then I asked him how he would react if a friend was in the same relationship. He says that he tended to keep out of other people's businesses and everyone's situation is unique. There was a point when I blanked out and stayed in silence while I digested his (ENDS HERE)
Handwritten:
THANK YOU GOD
I still need to sort out what it all means.
but our conversation cuts.
M calls. Jokes around, apologizes for being in the living room when I called.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Found on unicorn paper
Creative Negative Thoughts that I actually believed
Relationships/Love/Sex
- that I am doomed to be single forever (No, I'm not)
- that I'm in capable of making anyone happy (I do make people happy)
- that I don't deserve someone because of my negativity (People like me with my flaws)
- that love just isn't in my future because I'm fat, ugly, stupid, insecure (I'm not always those things).
- that if we can't make it work, it's my fault because I just didn't try enough (takes two to tango)
- that if I were only prettier and more decent, that I would be able to get whatever I wanted (I would still be just as insecure)
- that if I made someone really happy like with sex or love or affection, they would want to be with me (it can't last forever)
- that I could make someone fall in love with me if I was prettier (I can illegible)
Relationships/Love/Sex
- that I am doomed to be single forever (No, I'm not)
- that I'm in capable of making anyone happy (I do make people happy)
- that I don't deserve someone because of my negativity (People like me with my flaws)
- that love just isn't in my future because I'm fat, ugly, stupid, insecure (I'm not always those things).
- that if we can't make it work, it's my fault because I just didn't try enough (takes two to tango)
- that if I were only prettier and more decent, that I would be able to get whatever I wanted (I would still be just as insecure)
- that if I made someone really happy like with sex or love or affection, they would want to be with me (it can't last forever)
- that I could make someone fall in love with me if I was prettier (I can illegible)
Found on a ripped notepad paper.
10/13/05
Reflect on participation in DBT TDTP:
Think about how you were feeling first intake apt.
I came with my mother, confident that these professionals could convey the severity of my illness. I feel calm like I had my speil and I just had to touch on my issues, when it was over, we talked a little and I felt better about this decision that this in such anticipation.
Easy to fall into guilt.
It’s what they do with the anger.
90 secs.
Remember the first day for groups:
I came in on my birthday but I believe I missed the entire day., so the next Monday, I remmeber the lack of cohesion in the group. So I approached the first person I saw and introduced myself to them. The role of the class was comforting and that was it. No core so I left.
4 min.
Smell of hunger - change of …
The creeping hope. It wasn’t an angelic voice of hope eternal. It was a little old man sitting on a bench, feeding the squirrels and pigeons. He appeared out of nowhere and I watched him carefully with his gruff expression. He looked scary but he just wanted to watch the birds and smile at the greedy squirrels. He as hoe is ugly and strange and annoying but he’s patient about his role. I think growing up as an adult, you love your faith in religion, organized systems of government, parents, and most devastatingly, hope. It’s like reaching for a familiar book and it’s not there anymore. But it has come back in.
Reflect on participation in DBT TDTP:
Think about how you were feeling first intake apt.
I came with my mother, confident that these professionals could convey the severity of my illness. I feel calm like I had my speil and I just had to touch on my issues, when it was over, we talked a little and I felt better about this decision that this in such anticipation.
Easy to fall into guilt.
It’s what they do with the anger.
90 secs.
Remember the first day for groups:
I came in on my birthday but I believe I missed the entire day., so the next Monday, I remmeber the lack of cohesion in the group. So I approached the first person I saw and introduced myself to them. The role of the class was comforting and that was it. No core so I left.
4 min.
Smell of hunger - change of …
The creeping hope. It wasn’t an angelic voice of hope eternal. It was a little old man sitting on a bench, feeding the squirrels and pigeons. He appeared out of nowhere and I watched him carefully with his gruff expression. He looked scary but he just wanted to watch the birds and smile at the greedy squirrels. He as hoe is ugly and strange and annoying but he’s patient about his role. I think growing up as an adult, you love your faith in religion, organized systems of government, parents, and most devastatingly, hope. It’s like reaching for a familiar book and it’s not there anymore. But it has come back in.
Monday, August 8, 2011
I ache
The physical pain, I can ease out of.
It's this inner restlessness that worries me.
I feel unsettled, underwhelmed.
No wonder, I have no home.
I forgot so conveniently when I'm away.
It's this inner restlessness that worries me.
I feel unsettled, underwhelmed.
No wonder, I have no home.
I forgot so conveniently when I'm away.
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