WoW Alt-a-holic

Online rental books are the worst idea ever for me

2011-09-13T03:31:00.001-04:00

I finished some of my school work and have come to the conclusion that I am incapable of doing my reading on a monitor. Not even if I was reading on my boyfriend's kickass laptop. I think I even prefer the kickass laptop at this moment, compared to my current desktop.
I miss intercourse. I really do. I love having a regular loving relationship but I miss the intensity of a guy who enjoys dick in pussy. I do have a friend but...I don't know. I don't think I'm actually attracted. And isn't that missing the point, if I slept with a person that I'm not attracted to? But what about intense sex? When do I get that? Maybe I ought to just suffer and build up some energy with a guy and keep it unrequited there too? I mean seriously, there be a lotta male testostoney energy here.

He's excited after all

2011-08-19T10:07:00.001-04:00

I asked him last night if he's excited that I'm moving. He said yes. I was half-asleep when he kissed all over my face. :)

Found on a computer paper, typed out in New Courier

2011-08-15T00:22:00.000-04:00

To write out what happened last night:

M called me and told me about his weekend, asked me what I did, what songs get stuck in his head. White Snake is prevalent lately...about being a loner. Then there's the German song about 99 luftballoons, black and white cookie with Freddy Mercury, there's a song that used to be prevalent but not anymore which reminds me of him and me. He said he did his school exericse, shot up some zombies (pew pew), PVPed, etc. He was very nervous at some point, saying that I'm usually the one talking more than him. This gave me the courage to bring up my question that had been burning a hole in my soul: if he knew that I liked him, then why did he keep the relationship going? He said that because it was an issue before and though I didn't like that, he didn't want to have a long-distance relationship, I seemed to have accepted it and asked for it. Then I asked him how he would react if a friend was in the same relationship. He says that he tended to keep out of other people's businesses and everyone's situation is unique. There was a point when I blanked out and stayed in silence while I digested his (ENDS HERE)

Handwritten:
THANK YOU GOD
I still need to sort out what it all means.
but our conversation cuts.
M calls. Jokes around, apologizes for being in the living room when I called.

Found on unicorn paper

2011-08-14T23:19:00.000-04:00

Creative Negative Thoughts that I actually believed
Relationships/Love/Sex
- that I am doomed to be single forever (No, I'm not)
- that I'm in capable of making anyone happy (I do make people happy)
- that I don't deserve someone because of my negativity (People like me with my flaws)
- that love just isn't in my future because I'm fat, ugly, stupid, insecure (I'm not always those things).
- that if we can't make it work, it's my fault because I just didn't try enough (takes two to tango)
- that if I were only prettier and more decent, that I would be able to get whatever I wanted (I would still be just as insecure)
- that if I made someone really happy like with sex or love or affection, they would want to be with me (it can't last forever)
- that I could make someone fall in love with me if I was prettier (I can illegible)

Found on a ripped notepad paper.

2011-08-14T22:36:00.001-04:00

10/13/05
Reflect on participation in DBT TDTP:
Think about how you were feeling first intake apt.
I came with my mother, confident that these professionals could convey the severity of my illness. I feel calm like I had my speil and I just had to touch on my issues, when it was over, we talked a little and I felt better about this decision that this in such anticipation.

Easy to fall into guilt.
It’s what they do with the anger.

90 secs.

Remember the first day for groups:
I came in on my birthday but I believe I missed the entire day., so the next Monday, I remmeber the lack of cohesion in the group. So I approached the first person I saw and introduced myself to them. The role of the class was comforting and that was it. No core so I left.

4 min.

Smell of hunger - change of …
The creeping hope. It wasn’t an angelic voice of hope eternal. It was a little old man sitting on a bench, feeding the squirrels and pigeons. He appeared out of nowhere and I watched him carefully with his gruff expression. He looked scary but he just wanted to watch the birds and smile at the greedy squirrels. He as hoe is ugly and strange and annoying but he’s patient about his role. I think growing up as an adult, you love your faith in religion, organized systems of government, parents, and most devastatingly, hope. It’s like reaching for a familiar book and it’s not there anymore. But it has come back in.

Book idea

2011-08-14T22:09:00.001-04:00

"The Impatient Girl's Guide to Starting Over" found on a 7/14/10 to-do list.

I ache

2011-08-08T12:12:00.002-04:00

The physical pain, I can ease out of.
It's this inner restlessness that worries me.
I feel unsettled, underwhelmed.
No wonder, I have no home.
I forgot so conveniently when I'm away.

Horking

2011-08-04T08:39:00.001-04:00

So I'm homeless. It was inevitable considering that I would be with the impeding move. It just happened sooner than I liked.

Overall, domestic violence? It sucks.
Emotional chaos? Sucks.
Couch surfing sucks.
Even casual sex sucks. Mostly because I need to be sane, safe and happy. Also, sleepy guys with no imagination of what to do to get a girl off suck. Sleepy guys who come without an orgasm suck. Even though I'm grateful he let me stay over, I still want to get mine, you know?
Crying sucks.

But connecting with my mom rocks.
Realizing that I still am optimistic of my future rocks.
Being stronger than this rocks.
Realizing I was right rocks.
Knowing who my real friends are really rocks.

Getting a kick to the ass regarding housing is a mixed blessing.

Gummy Sneakers

2011-07-19T10:53:00.001-04:00

I'm on the train, on my way to CBT. I'm looking at a place that seems too good to be true. I see a guy checking me out. I wonder if it's all in my head. I shake my head. I think about the bbq once and then think bout M. And then J. And then A. Men...boys. I should be talking; I feel like a needy child

I think about how beautiful it feels to swim topless, with or without an audience. I had a flush on my lips and cheeks, a good thing when i've been feeling sallow and drained. Energy is within my reach. Sure, it will take some gasping and sputtering. Thanks you douche for pointing it out.Ugh I feel stinky. I doubt that I am but maybe my clothes are. My nose hurts, probably from the poor air quality in this heat wave. Thank science for air conditioning. The subway is cool and calming, like an artificial breeze. I decide I will miss the MTA because of their awesome A/C. The DC Metro has a more antiquated cooling system...but at least it works.Train of thought, boxes, packing, mess, jury, check, moving, id, what to do, contact, find peace, moving in August? I don't want to. I wish I knew what to do. I wish someone else would do the work. I wish I had an ice capp, lars, art, so much for a summer of art making, tripping, falling, smoosh, blood on the tracks washing away, water below splishing, pain, ghosts, making headway, chest, men, folks, new yorkers, sex, obsession, virgins, cute, tall, handsome, headset not on, dumb phone, dim me, wood chips.

Peter Peter

2011-07-19T05:37:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I was coming home from Boston's bbq on the 7 train. It be 4am. Guy follows closely behind me. He didn't even blip on my radar on the train, I was absorbed in 'Ender's Game' and white cheddar Cheez-its. I've wished for a cute guy to get the balls to hit on me before...but I don't think that I will be wishing for that now. I knew something was off so I modified my name to the short abbreviation that I despise. I gave as little info and didn't approach him when he would ask me to come to him. What the fuck did he think I would do? I'm not a wild one...unless bed-head and sparkly t-shirt are indicators that imply otherwise. Ugh, next time I start feeling unsafe, I bring out the mace.

He: 'hey come here."
Me: 'I have mace.'

I hate that implication that he is a threat, that my fear is elevated and that my decision to threaten bodily harm would reveal that to him.

Oh Significant Other?

2011-07-19T05:27:00.001-04:00

Loving you may have been the stupidest thing I've done but I'm a better person for it.

On the other hand, sometimes you can't come through for me when I need you. This is okay; I need to vocalize that I really do need you sometimes. I don't do that with anyone. That's a problem...it feels very lonely out there when I am hyper-aware of my lack of security in self.

I know you would have come through if I had asked. It just didn't occur to me.

I'm riding this bus so hard that...

2011-07-05T21:10:00.001-04:00

My coccyx is aching.
Damn my wearing socks, while going down slippery steps, while being tipsy, 2 years ago during the Super Bowl.

Damn you snotty ass women who turn their noses up. I can't imagine why some men want to be with you.

Damn you slow folks who think I want to hear from you. I'm not giving you any reason to think that I don't, except for my silence. So perhaps it's just "Damn me". But no, damn you.

Huh, the man I love has Asperger's Syndrome.

2011-06-30T04:51:00.001-04:00

I was talking to my therapist and she concluded after much discussion about the maybe-boyfriend, that he has Asperger's. I suspected as much but still, it was a shock to realize she might be right.
It's scary to think of the implications...children with some level of autism? Running a household alone? Not having my guy there during a crisis? These are the things dangled by authors and commenters of books.
It's easy to counter all of these things. I don't know if he will be my primary partner. All things considered, he'd be happier being my secondary boyfriend with none of the labels or environmental changes to worry about. My guy is capable of being there for a crisis if I tell him exactly what I need. He is more than capable of living on his own, more than me.
This is hard...it's really hard.
I really love the guy.

Wow

2011-06-28T20:57:00.000-04:00

Ever have one of those days where you feel pain all over your body, from the top of your head to the innards of your guts? This is definitely one of those days. I can't tell if the pain precedes the emotional agony or vice versa. However, most days, it's endurable. I just kinda wish I had a hug.

Not that I didn't get an offer for some company; I had two, one to a fashion show thingy, another, a guy invited me over. I disregarded the fashion show and I reminded the guy of his laundry waiting for some time. I somewhat regret not taking anyone up on their offer.

At least I got my art exhibit entries in. I'm pretty proud of them.

I try not to dwell on the pain. I need not to. I feel the need to get everything else in order. But perhaps, it's time to get the basics down.

Desire for a man or a woman

2011-06-27T12:06:00.001-04:00

I listened to a podcast that said a man ought to want to feel the palpable desire of a woman for him.

I think I hit the nail on the head when I say...very few men inspire that palpable desire from me. This fact makes my slutty side pause. Without desire, the basic urge and neediness for this particular person's thoughts, respect and well-being, sex is just rutting in pleasure, for sure. But an empty pleasure like cotton candy...a lot of pretty, fancy crystals that melts away prettily in my mouth, leave not much but a stomach full of dyed sugar.

Thank goodness I have some okay friends who respect women.

There may come a time when...

2011-06-25T21:48:00.001-04:00

There are so many contacts in this world and so many rules of etiquette that we make up along the way with the rise of social media. Ultimately social media is a form of publicly announcing our whereabouts, our thoughts, our hopes and dreams and failures and mistakes, our misdeeds, a spectrum of a human life. As we trapse alone with our lives, we are still connected to a giant bulletin board of stuff...a giant bulletin web if you will. Once one strand is stirred, hordes of people will see you and judge.

I don't think Weiner did a terrible misdeed. He did a stupid mistake and lied in a terrible manner to try to cover his mistake. So people call for him to step down because he was an idiot...but what makes him different from all other men? A lot and probably a lot of those features made him a better man than others.

I see friends reveal and gossip and rant...and I wonder when do I have to stop doing those things for the sake of my career.

That terrible joy

2011-06-23T03:36:00.001-04:00

I understand the depth of cruelty that we afflict onto each other but most of all, the cruelty afflicted to the self.

When the guy you love can't let you stay the weekend without him...

2011-06-22T17:28:00.001-04:00

...it's most likely a good thing. I would rather stay somewhere else. At least 5 guys in the area would let me crash, just because of the size of my boobies alone.

But it's not easy to shrug off the aching feeling that rises with the knowledge that he can't share his apartment with me...ever. That feeling likes to morph into the idea that he doesn't like me. And from that 'he doesn't like me' pain, comes the feeling of being used. Overall, it's all a slopbucket of disappointment, coating my body in a familar odor of shame.

It's hard to love a guy who doesn't want to share his apartment with me. The only other guy who I know went through this, stopped talking to me because I asked him to stop talking about his girlfriend. His girlfriend only wanted him to tell her that he wanted her in his life, his apartment, as his wife. I know he will never trust her and yet, he doesn't want to let go. He would rather that I sympathize with his frustrations of the demands on his freedom, his precious freedom. I hope he lives his life in the satisfaction of his freedoms.

Why do I choose to love M? I can't imagine not loving him. And yet, I know one day, I will be fed up with his inability to say 'I love you', his inability to ask me to move in, his inability to ask me to be his wife. And when that happens, I know I will never settle for a guy who can't do those things.

And that time hasn't happened yet. So let me enjoy my relationship, the imperfect one with its moments of joy.

Random hair tips from woman in courthouse bathroom

2011-06-22T16:24:00.001-04:00

After showering and air drying, apply serum onto hair to keep moisture in. Avoid grease. Get Surlurm, a thick leave in conditioner, brush it in. Wavy hair makes it hard for natural oils to travel down the hair shaft. Keratin without formadehyde is best as a treatment. Check out beauty supply stores for the products.

Getting the elderly kicked out of jury duty, one creep at a time

2011-06-22T14:55:00.001-04:00

If I come off mean with my title, please feel free to replace the word 'elderly' with 'attractive' or 'giddy' or the 'cheerleaders'. This guy happened to be much older...and with some major boundary issues.

Thankfully, the lawyers kicked him off the juror panel. They gave me the option of leaving or staying. I in my 'Due South-ish' way, chose to stay to perform my civic duty...and I also didn't want to receive any privileges because of this unfortunate incident that went beyond what it ought to because I get pissed pretty easily as of late.

Is it all the easy sex?
Is it medication?
Is it me being hormonal?
Damn, am I preggers?
Damn, look at me, I'm back in my head :)

Unrequited?

2011-06-11T02:19:00.001-04:00

It sucks to be in love with a man who doesn't feel the intensity of love, just the mild flicker of affection. Can I live with knowing he doesn't feel the same way about me? Is it fair for an artist who feels the scope of emotions to want a layman to feel the same way toward her? Is the mild flicker the best it's ever going to get for him? Is this his equivalency of love?

I got approached by a guy on the dance floor, I thought he was into my gf.

I got approached by a guy who followed us out the door. I thought he was into my gf.

So yeah.

Nerd lover...and curious

2011-06-10T07:59:00.001-04:00

I accept that I have a preference for a guy who doesn't have good game, has the drive to be intellectually better than his peers and may engage in activities that require more mental reflection. But does this kind of guy produce a certain kind of child? Would they be into the things that I don't have any interest in...like cosplay or manga or 12 sided dice? I'm curious.

Feeling low about myself

2011-06-07T11:52:00.001-04:00

PUG: who wouldn't be lucky to have you?? seriously!

you're absolutely gorgeous

you've very intelligent

wonderful, quirky personality (fun)

very sexual/kinky

want me to go on?

me: yeah

PUG: you are, in many respects, my ideal woman and i really think anyone lucky enough to have you should make sure you know it every day

you are the woman that all others should be compared against as something to strive to be

and i'm not waxing hyperbole here

Love

2011-06-07T03:18:00.001-04:00

Today I told Mord that I love him. I plan on telling him that more though I know he will not say it back. Why would I do a crazy thing like that? The fact is, i'm plenty uncomfortable saying it, but I also am more uncomfortable with the fact that I hide myself. I hide my deep emotions and for good reason. But if I can't declare myself to my best friends, I might as well not have them in my life. Mord may not love me the way that I love him. However, telling him that I love him regardless of his emotional status, is my selfish way of insisting that I'm going to not hide from the truth.

Unemployed

2011-06-02T22:32:00.001-04:00

Discouraged.
I hate feeling this out of control when it comes to having money.

How to stop playing WoW

2011-05-26T11:06:00.001-04:00

Directions:
1. Fill up your hours with nothing but your non-WoW passions/work/school.
2. Watch subscription lapse after 6 month subscription.
3. Gain weight so clothes get tight.
4. Be a woman.

A post I got

2010-11-19T01:20:00.002-05:00

Hi John,

First off, wow, it's been a while since I logged onto this site so my apologies for responding late.

Second, I could thank you for writing a coherent and well-thought out post but let's get into the meat of things, shall we? :)

I smile at the part where you mentioned that I'm still very open about sexual activities even though I'm looking into monogamy and long-term relationships. Somehow, it didn't occur to me that those things would be divergent.

I can't say that my sexual proclivities have ever been something I've been able to withhold from anyone who asks...and believe me, the guys do broach the topic, even on the first date. For instance, I don't feel like I'm revealing that much when I admit my passion for certain activities such as pegging on a conventional matchmaking site. It's that important to me to meet someone who is just as into kinky sex. If I start talking about strapons and see a bit of wincing by a guy, I see it as a bit of a challenge because inevitably, the guy does end up being on the receiving end, whether he envisioned it or not. But whether we'd be compatible as long-term partners is another story.

I understand how easy it is to be open with strangers. I play World of Warcraft and there are millions of people who easily interact within the game. Yet once you place them in the context of meeting each other in person, there is that anxiety about rejection or judgment. There are no long-term consequences for being open about our true interests and desires with people whom we don't have to answer to or see on a daily basis. I found that there are consequences to sharing those things with the people I care about or the people who I thought that cared for me. It varies for every situation. Invariably, it all adds up to cost-benefits. Is the cost of withholding an essential part of myself worth it? Is revealing bound to subject me to rejection, possibly bigotry? In most cases, I found that the extreme reaction is rare and that most people admit themselves to feel a similar way.

I've found that I feel more connected to the human experience; more people feel the way we do about things more than they'd like to admit. I'm a lucky one that I have grown a little shameless about the taboo topics that people don't usually think about. I'm about to publicly discuss my World of Warcraft experience on-camera because I can't stand the way some people make assumptions about gamers. I feel the same way about pegging.

I try to forge a long-term friendship with my short-term partners. It never hurts to keep a sex-positive group as company. What got me to take the step into a long-term relationship was opening up to someone who I knew truly accepted me for who I was. It was painful and the relationship doesn't always go the way I want it to. But it's one of my main considerations for my application to graduate school in the DC area for next Fall. I still see other guys but I'm in love with this one. He's been wonderful about me sleeping with other guys.

Now, I feel like I'm rambling. It's been a long workday and I'm finishing up some artwork. But I do hope what I shared may be something you could use. I'd be happy to talk about relationships and sex if you're still interested.

Regards,
Susan

john wrote:

> Susan,
>
> I have seen some of your posts in the forum and I would drop you a line. There are a few things about your posts that got me thinking. You said that you were done with the casual stuff and looking for something more - intimacy. Of course, you also say some salacious things in your posts about pegging and oral.
>
> I have found myself in an interesting conundrum when it comes to relationships and sex. I have generally been a serial monogamist. But I find that while I am able to get close to the girls that a date, I find I am unable to be open with them about my interest in sexual exploration. I guess I have some sort of hang-up about revealing my proclivities in those situations.
> Which, of course, it could be argued is not full intimacy. On the other hand, I have been completely open with near strangers about my sexual interests. I have had a number of sexually adventurous partners, but they have all been short flings. What I really would like is to find a relationship that combines these two elements.
>
> Is this anything at all like your experience?
> I'm curious.
>
> Talk to you later,
> John
>

In all consideration

2010-09-15T11:36:00.000-04:00

I'm not doing so well... and yet I am. I am doing my best and I am not. To clarify, I am doing my best under my current state. This state is not a healthy one. It nips at my soul. It whispers my lack of worth directly into my bloodstream when the disappointment of being rejected by 3 people (one date and 2 "friends") is swallowed down. Any other time, I could shake it off but God, why now? Disappointment is the emotion that I can not tolerate the most and it's the one I feel the strongest. That fear that emerges? Stems from my disappointment in myself for not anticipating a problem.

GOD. I call out to God because who else am I to call out to? Not my parents. I can't believe my father didn't trust what I took with me from the 1st floor. He wanted obedience so I showed him what I had in my hands with wide-eyed disbelief: a pair of speakers that I lent them. I wanted to listen to television shows while I moved my stuff to the 2nd floor. I can not believe it and I must accept that this is my father: a suspicious, authoritarian, short-sighted, defensive boy. Nasty words, they are. God bless my inherited attributes.

I'm regressing to suicidal thoughts. Good ol' standby coping mechanism. I feel like my parents are pushing bricks down on my soul with their harsh criticisms. So I'm also apparently incapable of not stealing food from my brother. I made a promise to myself to get the mini-fridge into my room so I won't do that again. I don't feel like leaving the house.

Oh what a night

2010-08-25T06:46:00.002-04:00

after a dream about a cousin of my cousin and attending his brothers, and reminder please forgive the lack ofproper grammar because my droids inabilty to accept the shift or symbol buttons, i woke up to the horrible realization ten years after the fact. i had invited a gay sociopathic liar to my home where he stole my first harry potter book and took a bit of money from me purchasing a terrible book. i never heard from him again and the sad thing is that i trusted him. this trust in the good in people has led me to make some of the worst decisions of my life. i attended his brothers funeral btw.

i feel absolutely terrible and yet i feel like this could be a start to mending some of my self hatred. it wasnt because of my lack of being on top of things. alton had a responsibility too and he failed it. all this time, i held on responsibilty, relieving others of it... like i have had to do with my brother and father. i grieve now in these early hours.

all growed up

2010-08-22T20:56:00.006-04:00

i gotta say this with a drop of regret but gosh darn it, i dislike blogspotm interface and what is worse, i cant use the shift key or use apostrophes on this droid. this enrages me like a mofo figged with no milk in sight.

i dont sound coherent and what more is i dont care. i am enraged at a few other things in my life that this doesnt seem that important. rustling through the files that i roughly arranged in my head, i have come to the conclusion that i am a pretty unhappy selfish person who is incapable of appreciating the bounty of what i have. i have wonderful friends with good hearts.

i am seeing a guy who makes my heart full and my head empty and they are both wonderful states to be in. he just lent me his redskins jersey to wear and this gesture has made me feel warm and liked.

i live with a family who cares and needs me and though they are full of flaws, they too have their qualities that make me realize how much im missing without them in my daily life. but as my mother said, it wasnt until i got into therapy, that i learned to say no. i learned this from my cousin during my aunts funeral last tuesday. we sat down in a well known korean restaurant in flushing. the very room that my cousin got married in and divorced yet a month later. the bride was displeased with the idea of her husband being unable to give her the financially bountiful lifestyle that she obviously craved. i miss my aunt and i am relieved that she didnt suffer a slow painful death to the brain tumor that developed quickly. i only knew of the tumor because i overheard my mother reveal the details on the phone. i learnt about the expected arrival of a third child from my cousin who had learned bout it from of course my mother.

if i were to try to be a family member, perhaps i should listen to my mother and suppress the bubbling rage that simmers when i hear her voice. i know she isnt the source of my issues and even if she has, im a grown woman who has figured out some truths in life,albeit a lot later than some folks.

i have been pretty angry though. angrier than i thought possible to sustain over months. an anger that festers in my heart and guts while my head pleads some sense into them. they cannot forgive and i am in danger of imploding with the sensibility of a super saturated sponge of a goddess, taken for granted after a million forgivenesses and nonjudgmental actions and thoughts, she devolves into a tornado of wrath. wishing the worst on the ants. the goddess of course has more power than i currently hold in this social, economical, cultural, spiritual, career status. if i had won in anything, its that my ignorance or distaihas left me content . ive been cast from my hellish eden of simpilicty, loneliness, despair, into a more complex rigid restructuring of myslef and my surroundingscast into a mold that i long to belong to, if only myswcurity was secured.

i closed y eyes for a few minutes. i am weary from these words blurbling out of. my inner voice was clearly restive for this moment of cleansing confession. but i will nap on the bus and believe that people can form something bigger and better for themselves.

OY

2010-07-09T07:07:00.002-04:00

5:45 am - Half awake, I hear someone coming into the bedroom. Thankfully I had the sensibility to cover up my nudity with a blanket because yay, it's my father. He peers at me and realizes his mistake that I'm not my mother. He goes away.

6:10 am - Now I'm fully awake because of my father's ranting about my unclean room. He screams in that shrill voice of his, a childish sound of someone demanding attention because he gets none in this world. I tell him to get out to no avail. I resort to plunking my face down on my pillow and ignoring him. I lock the door to the 2nd floor behind him and then I lock my bedroom door.

6:45 am - It's too late. I'm fully awake and I've only gotten 4 hours of fitful sleep. I will do like Marsha Linehan and get through this day with mindfulness. I will not dwell on how I wish I had the option to afford housing or how my parents owe me money or how I owe them for helping me out when I was broken or how I wish my parents would understand that they have more to lose by pushing me aside than I do losing them.

7:15 am - I'm sitting here, A/C on full blast even though it's relatively cool up here. It's to block out the sound of my father yelling. I'm typing because if I don't, I will become depressed.

I wish that I wrote about this during a time of placidity but it's not meant to be. I proposed to M. My first marriage proposal - it makes me smile. Even though I knew his answer (no, of course; accepting a marriage would be unpragmatic), I knew that this was the right thing to do. Ever have one of those lucid moment in between boredom and anxiety, where you are exactly who you are? That's what it was for me.

Calle Ocho

2010-07-07T23:04:00.004-04:00

Rushing to Flushing to go to dentist to plug in my loose crown - $20

Birthday drinks and dinner with acquaintance - $50.

Okay I have to admit that Calle Ocho was pretty good. The people were fabulous, the Spanish Harlem sangria was spicy enough to keep me gulping and even the bathroom conversations were intriguing enough for me to hover around their great large stalls. I had the duck with lentils and sauce, and the duck was tasty with the sprouts, soft, red, meaty, better than beef. The talk was centered around the birthday girl's vacation to Iceland, home of tall blondes, best butter, fleece, stalking horses, hot spring/thermal power plant runoff, andddd artic char. Then it was about the fact that one of my friends doesn't want to speak to her parents after about 3 months of ignoring them. At some point, the conversation veered to the birthday girl exclaiming how her parents want her to have children and want it in a very bad way. Mind you, she's still very single and working as a radiologist. My friends claim that I practically shrieked, "Do you want to breed now?" Later my gf asked me if I was angry because I sounded it.

I admit it; I have a problem with rage as of late. My best friend claims it because of all the shit my family dumps on me. It's been coming out in the game. But where as in the past, I would stew about how bad I felt about lashing out at guildies, I approached them and told them exactly why I got triggered which lead to conversations of what we both thought. I came away, feeling a little more self-respect than I usually would have come away in that situation.

When my dentist casually asked me how the dating scene was going with me, I told him that between school and work, it's been difficult to prioritize it. I joked about him giving me some advice. He said,

"Forget about getting to know each other really well. If you meet someone you get along with, just get married because the more you don't know about each other, the better the marriage is. Because when you wake up each day, you don't want to know everything about this person. It's what keeps the marriage interesting."

Interesting advice eh?

Silly willy

2010-06-30T00:25:00.002-04:00

I'm trying to come up with coherent sentences to be appealing but I seem to have slowed down into an introspective, dim mood. I wonder if I'm getting stupider.

So turns out...

2010-06-29T00:07:00.001-04:00

Turns out I was pretty wrong in my construct.
Turns out I got what I wanted all this time and was blind to it all.

Thanks.

Hate

2010-06-27T08:48:00.002-04:00

If what I did was right, why do I feel so much hate? Will this hate finally go away from a week? A month? Maybe if I'm lucky, a year? Will it infect my perspective of the very people I love and who encouraged me? Will it age me? Will I remain cold inside, having no room for warmth or affection? Will I fall back into my depression, languid and still while raving in my head?

Wrong and so right

2010-06-26T14:22:00.005-04:00

I get a 7:45 am text message from Mr. Exguildie. It's nice to know that I'm wrong.

But I made it short and sweet with Mr. Friend.

"I need to be selfish so we need to stop having sex. Because you've been selfish."

I'm pretty numb right now but I feel like I did the right thing, for the first time, in a long time.

This should make things pretty interesting in the guild.

For instance, I decided to delete a thread that I started. I felt good about deleting everyone's contributions because you know what? Without my starting it, nothing would have come of random chatter. Now, it's like I never started it. And I won't have to live with thinking about actually thinking that something would come of it.

A few minutes later

2010-06-26T03:53:00.004-04:00

I'm still very very angry.

I'm drying off after a shower to cleanup a night of intense dancing in a hookah lounge.

I'm thinking about a guildie I met at the barbeque.
I'm thinking about how I offered my number.
I'm thinking about how he kept suggesting that we go in the other room.
I remember thinking how dorky that was.
I remember feeling good about telling him that I'm not looking for hookups anymore but I am interested in talking with him.
I'm thinking about how nice it would be to connect to a guy.
I was thinking about how nice it was to say no.

And then, a week after the barbeque, I realized I constructed a fantasy that was never going to happen.

And oh I'm not crushed or defeated.

I'm angry.

I'm angry that I feel entitled to be considered as a possible friend.

I feel angry that I thought that maybe I'm learning how to connect to people better.

Then I feel angry toward thinking about someone I'll called "Mr. Friend".

Status of my feelings toward Mr. Friend: intense, "I want to claw his eyes out" anger.

I don't want to be the fucking grownup. But guess what, I'm going to have to. Because holy shit, god forbid a guy actually does the decent thing and let go of someone who has intense feelings for him.

I'm so tired.

I'm so angry.

I'm thinking about how would the guild take this? Do I give a fuck about his best friend?

Another thing to gripe about: okay I fucking talk a lot. Why do you fucking join a guild in the first place?

Another thing to think about: bread and butter. Random sleepy topic.

Perhaps I'm looking at the wrong men to be angry at.

My father deserves most of the anger.

But I know I still need something from Mr. Friend and stuff. My eyelids are shutting. Yay. Good night.

I'm back, I'm back. I'm back, I'm back

2010-06-26T03:29:00.004-04:00

So I'm going to be taking this blog in a whole new direction.

My aim is to deliver chicky sensitivity with dating and relating to men.

My aim to to deliver my audience my straightforward contradictory ways that I do oh so well in WoW.

I also have a bunch of other stuff going on.

But motherfking... I don't know what to do about showing it to guildies. And I'm also drunk at the moment. And it's 3:41 am. And I'm tired and grumpy and I have pictures but my drives are being dumbasses.

*grumble*

Hello

2009-08-05T00:39:00.003-04:00

Hi, I'm a tank.
I'm a tank who cries during Patch Day.
If you don't know what Patch Day is, it's not fun.
It's new encounters, disturbed addons, excited people.
So, I cope by tearing up a bit, then I get my bit on.

Exciting :)

Aggravated

2009-04-29T15:17:00.002-04:00

I'm getting mad during these raids. Not like casual-run-with-older-players-who-are-slow mad. I'm getting aggravated, telling people to fuck off and snapping at directions. People are quiet about it but this behavior upsets me most of all. There are some real-life frustrations that contribute but I noticed that my enjoyment of a run seems to be lessened by one particular negative influence: T, a young raid leader. I would rather not go on a run with him.

Years ago, I had this issue with another guild member and eventually we have gotten to a good balance of mutual disregard/respect. I learned to tune out his negativity as he doesn't contribute to the success of the raid vocally. T, immature as he is, is a leader who "knows" what he's doing and can lead a raid to success...but sometimes to the detriment of my patience.

I don't expect him to change nor if I had a conversation with him, do I think he'd think there's anything to apologize for or work on and in a way, he's right. Last night, on the Deconstructor, T, a DK, was only focused on dpsing when he was assigned the role of offtank. He fudged up his assignment by letting a mob run loose...because he was dpsing the boss. Any other tank, he would have been yelling at him to pick it up and ask him what he was thinking. Startled by a mob running loose, I pick it up and do what I needed to.

Of course we oneshotted the boss but I was bewildered by T's nonchalance of who was supposed to pick the mob up. He dismissed my inquiry of whether I can count on him to tank, as psychobabble. So when I clarified my question, if he'll tank when he's assigned to tank, he was nonresponsive. I was upset by this and ignored him but I was pretty upset throughout the raid. When the official raid leader asked me what I expected from a question like that; I suppose I'd like an acknowledgment of his fault...but that would be unrealistic.

After the raid, the official raid leader and I briefly discussed how we can adapt to my rage issues in the raid, one option being that I play dps. However, after much thinking, I realized that I hated being treated like a child during the trash. When we come to a new trash, the official raid leader would ask me if I've done it. I've done all the trash mobs in the 10 man before but it's only been a week since I've done Ulduar. There are some complications with trash pulls as they are challenging...but they're all the same. Run in, watch for a particular ability, figure out positioning. When I ask why it's necessary to single me out to ask whether I've done a trash that the guild has only done one other time in a raid setting, T responded, "because the raid will die".

I don't like getting yelled at by T. I don't think anyone likes it. I know some other folks have acknowledged T's rudeness but are willing to put up with it. A friend approached me and has offered to speak to T in a diplomatic fashion about adapting his behaviors to not be so aggressive toward people who are still learning. I know he is capable as a speaker and T respects him.

However, I know there's a shortage of capable tanks. I don't want the raid to rely on bad tanks but I acknowledge that having me be upset at most of the raids isn't letting me have fun. I can't mute T but if I could, I would do so in a heartbeat. T will be there for every single raid and as thick as my skin can be, it's at the cracking point.

Meeting people on WoW - the censored version

2009-04-27T11:47:00.002-04:00

I wasn't going to post about this but I figured I share this version of my experience with y'all since meeting people from the game doesn't seem to be something people consider doing. I've had friends and strangers tell me that I must have balls of steel when I don't think of it as a big deal. At worst, I must be slightly naive to trust the kindness of strangers.

I've met with dozens of people from WoW, from the guild and game, from friends who hosted people they met from WoW and meetups from online (it's fun talking with a bunch of unique New Yorkers with their own perspective on WoW and it's not always a sausage fest). As with any situation dealing with people who you have a tenuous link with, one should exercise some caution with traveling in a stranger's car or visiting a home as I'm certain there are some instances where it hasn't worked out so well (there are some rare news reports of the more heinous offenses). But I've followed my instincts, inform my friends of my whereabouts and never been in harm's way.

A week ago, I got a ride with a stranger from the game I never talked to before (Tipu from Meridian) from NYC to Ontario to go to the wedding of my two good friends (Shawn/Dragonn and Shawna/Healysky) whom I've known since vanilla WoW. They met through the game but would have met eventually in real life as they live in a small town and only had one degree of separation through many paths. The bride's brother was addicted to WoW so Shawna decided to give it a try to see what the fuss was about. The groom Shawn was playing with the brother as he was working with him at the time. The brother introduced the two in the game and that was that.

The way I got to know them was through their guild Gosetine which turned into Equilibrium which turned into Bullpen, a Canadian guild on Kargath. We share a channel in game but use Facebook since some of the members turned Horde on a PVP server. I joke around with them all the time, comparing boobies with Shawna (TMI?) and knocking around Shawn in the game and he would knock back, making comments on my blog and facesofwow pic but it's pretty amazing that when we met, it was kinda like we've been real life long time friends already. We were very comfortable with each other which is nice and rare to come by so I felt very fortunate to know them.

They would ask me to come visit them but there was never enough time/money to take the trip up. So I was surprised and honored that they asked me to attend their wedding. I was there when they began their relationship and I never had any doubts that they were meant to be together. I wouldn't say that lightly since I'm not the sentimental type nor do I believe in soulmates. But they come close.

The plan was that I would hitch a ride with this guy Tipu from Meridian. At the last minute, he canceled because of financial reasons. On that same day he called to cancel, he won $2500 on a scratch ticket which he eventually blew most all of it on this trip. I would have had to rush travel plans so it was a fortuitous windfall for me. However, the night when we were to leave, I got the jitters because I talked to the fella fpr the first while he was hopped up on energy pills and drinks while he was on the road. I usually like to work the logistics ahead of time. Shawna called me after I ranted at Shawn on WoW about my anxieties and she reassured me that her friend was trustworthy and practically a kitten. Turns out she was right as Tipu turned out to be a perfect gentleman. I left at 1am with him when he's already been on the road from GA for 13 hours. However, it was me, the passenger who started crazy babbling/singing at hour 6 in the car in my efforts to stay awake. I was told to sleep at that point as I scared him.

We stayed at the bride and groom's place and were introduced to all their family/friends including some Bullpen guildies and other WoW players. I met the guy who created the infamous "Boobies!" battle cry; it was inspired when they were working in Sears...apparently not a day went by when they didn't wonder if he was going to get fired for his antics. We assisted in the wedding preparations and keeping the bride sane as she was a darling but started to fret.

At the bachelor party, the guys forced drinks, lapdances and kisses from the waitresses on Shawn. I stemmed the flow of shots to the poor groom by threatening anyone who offered a drink a punch in the balls. He downed 15 shots in less than 2 hours and people wouldn't take no for an answer. I nearly strangled Tipu for buying out a entire tray of about 30 coyingly sweet shots poured into vials. This turned out to be a good call that came too late as he proceeded to get very sick and went home at a good hour of 11:30. Needless to say, I was pret-ty tipsy and these guys were burly tall guys who are used to physical labor so they took my ball punching threats in good humor. Plus they didn't want to scare away the girl. Night before the wedding, I did my fishing dailies, keeping Shawn the groom entertained while he missed his bride to be as she was away with her parents according to tradition.

Wedding day comes and the bride has been throwing up since 5 am which we assumed was nerves. She was nauseated through the shortened ceremony but managed to say her vows without using the bucket that we carried around for her. She went home after the speeches at the reception. I had a great time at the reception. Everyone was so nice and open though I must have spent 75% of the time during this trip, laughing, blushing and being embarrassed (one mild example: at the reception bar, the father of the bride looked at my chest, looked at me in the face and asked if I was looking to start trouble). Afterward, I went clubbing and Denny's but I didn't go to sleep because I needed to finish their wedding present (a painting).

I learned at 7 am when people woke up that the now former bride was in the hospital with the diagnosis of appendicitis. So the poor bride had an inflamed appendix while reciting her vows, slow-dancing with her husband, etc. The groom went around, half joking about how it's been the "BEST WEDDING EVER"; seriously, what are the odds? So I said my goodbyes to Shawna right before her surgery and said my goodbyes to Shawn while he went to take pictures in his tux. Shawna's getting out of the hospital today and I hope to hear from her soon.

My friend and I had a very long drive down through the States and I'm glad that we got along well because it made the trip that much shorter. Definitely happy I went on this trip. Besides seeing my good friends and getting to know more, hopefully I broke some preconceived notions of what gamers are like as many people seemed surprised that I knew them through the game. I picked up a love of Smarties which are so much better than M&Ms, walked barefoot with other girls for what felt like miles because of high heels , almost got pulled over in a crowded cab, endured Bridezilla moments, rushed a painting (they had to pull the painting out of my hands when it was time for us to leave), strippers took off my dress and in the process of undress, I gave Tipu, the guy I hitched a ride from, a bit of an eyeful (clear enough? , hadn't slept since Saturday morning and only got 6 hours of sleep today but I'd do it all over again.

Through the week, WoW was a consistent topic of discussion, even in the church pews. It's just nice to see that WoW has influenced people positively as I've been welcomed with open arms with so many people in all walks of life. Anyways, I hope this story made you laugh or think or both.

Being productive

2009-04-13T15:49:00.002-04:00

I'm trying to work on this painting but it's impossible while my hands are freezing off. Mid-April and it's bitter cold. I found the best way for me to focus on my artwork is to park my character on WoW near an ore spawn point and to alternate tabbing in and looking for the gold marker, then working on my thing some more. I realize why I didn't want to be an artist; it's a profoundly lonely profession and I don't like being by myself all the time. Seems like WoW takes a bit of that edge off.

I've started tanking as a warrior and I thoroughly appreciate my pally so much now. I've tanked a total of 8 instances and it's starting to become repetitive. At least I'm understanding my abilities much more. I've discovered Intervene and I can tell ya, I'm not so great at it. Perhaps I can do a target of target macro that lets me run in...yeah that makes much more sense. AOE tanking is a real chore since my GCD is the only thing that is keeping me from building threat with my hover macro that lets me sunder my offtargets. I wonder if haste is the answer but even that won't be enough.

Okay now back to painting.

Tanking while a hypochrondatic

2009-04-08T11:13:00.002-04:00

I love tanking because I have the illusion of controlling the circumstances of the raid's success. However, after an exhaustive day of volunteering at a senior center on Delancey St., a haircut, buying canvases for the wedding, and jabbing away at a bag for an hour and half, I got a little woozy during the raid. I gotta take care of myself more with this new founded drive to box so I'll be prepared with snacks.

Wow, it's snowing in April. Big flakes, little flurry.

So I was definitely woozy during the two boss fights. Our warrior tank was struggling with the drakes in Sarth 3D 25 man but I was proud that he eventually got the hang of it. We're a hard crowd to please.

Dunno

2009-04-01T10:23:00.003-04:00

I don't know who reads this because I prefer the anonymity of confession. It might be no one which in case, I wouldn't have to worry about the consequences of saying this. But I have to say that daily crying jags are not the way to live. I'm not sure if it's my new meds but I'm terrified of losing control like this. I'm not the type of person to fall apart under a slight or an inconsiderate action but yet, it's happened several times.

I need a job, even if it's temporary.

Using my imagination as a raiding pally tank

2009-03-30T13:01:00.003-04:00

Btw, I realized that I had posted this site onto an all WoW Blog RSS Feed and would like to take it off. If you should happen to read this, I'd appreciate a comment to let me know what the website is.

I realize that I've been really really grumpy while playing due to real life frustration with job searching, figuring out a new career, getting over yet another unrequited person, grad school, depression and anxiety hitting a very new low (I've been taking medication), family, clutter, etc. Plus, libido went kaput. Which is distressing. Not that there's really anyone I'd like to get it on with. I have options but it's like refusing milk chocolate to hold out for some lovely dark chocolate. Sure the milk chocolate will get that textural silkness and roasted flavor but most milk chocolates smell cloyingly and not in a good way. Dark chocolate...yumm, I so went off topic here. In short, holding out for something better is usually a better choice for me.

This article from WowInsider.com has inspired me to dream up a character for my paladin tank. I've been told that she's the closest character I have that resembles me, except for all that white hair. And truly she's probably the most like me personality wise. A champion for others, self-sacrificing to a fault, flexible and decisive when it comes to protecting others. I do feel a kinship to her cause because hell yeah, I'd sign up to be a paladin if it was a real career.

I wonder what she would ask me right now.

Min: Why do you have so much inner turmoil?
Me: I got this discord between wanting to tank and not being taken advantage of.
Min: Ahh so you're feeling taken for granted?
Me: I guess, especially with this arrival of a new pally tank recruit who doesn't put up seals all the time, doesn't use Holy Shield though he needs it, and judges Judgment of Justice. Screw that! Why I gotta show him how to do the moves? Why do I have to be patient with him when no one else really was there to show me the ropes? I did my research, I talked to other pallys, I endured hours of criticism and pain from bad-mouthing compatriots.
Min: You decided to play a paladin. Your profession is to inspire and seek justice and meditate on being patient and kind.
Me: If I wanted to be that, I would have been a priest. Oh wait, I have one, and she kicks ass. And woop, I'm here to kick ass too.
Min: From Wikipedia -

Virtue (Latin virtus; Greek ἀρετή) is moral excellence. Personal virtues are characteristics valued as promoting individual and collective well-being, and thus good by definition. The opposite of virtue is vice.

Me: Alright, I will show my grace and charity by helping. It is the only way with a fellow paladin as discouraging as it is to realize he's half-assed his way through playing.
Min: *Sigh*
Me: Oh...he's gone from the guild. I feel ashamed and weird...I didn't want him to leave really, I wanted him to learn.

Sheer Overload

2009-03-16T12:00:00.003-04:00

There's so much to write about:

tanking as a pally tank,
dpsing as a shadow priest
dpsing as my alts (rogue, mage, druid),
healing and dpsing with the dual specs,
professions,
the agony of min-maxing and the joy of finding Pawn, an addon that lets me vendor items with impunity and whisper little praises of the ease it gives,
new fishing changes,
winning the weekly Sunday fishing tournament AGAIN for a lark and what it means to be Salty,
how much I hate selling items on the AH.

I'll make it my mission to tackle at least a few of these items all week.

Something that I'm not sure that I've shared here is my turnaround in real life issues.

I've taken up on a boxing gym. I shouldn't enjoy threatening to beat up defenseless guys with nothing to back it up :)
I've decided to dedicate myself to attend graduate school to go into a passion of mine: mental health.
I've also decided to move to a different city at the end of the year at most.
I'd like to get a federal job.
I've fell for someone but since we agree that we're not interested in long-distance relationships, we won't be exploring anything more than a friendship. I'm saddened but I wouldn't trade anything in the world for feeling those butterflies in my stomach again, something I haven't felt in years. So thank you for giving me that hope that it's possible for me to like someone.

A friend of mine shared this idea about processing information internally: that one doesn't need to dwell on an issue once that person comes to the best conclusion he could and no further information is given to adapt the conclusion. I'm taken by this idea as a worrier and trying to wrap my head around it.

I rarely write down some of the fucked up things I encounter in the game but I encountered one of the notorious drama kings on my server who basically bellowed at me for half an hour to look at some picture of his burnt junk, which became that way after exposing it to an overheated lava lamp which contains oil and antifreeze. He described it as having the appearance of Jupiter, only stretched out along the surface. I was crying with laughter but refused to look.

And if a new friend of mine happens to read this post, thank you for reminding me of how amazing the guildies are, including myself. It's not something I think about, until I get to meet other amazing people who can share of themselves with courage.

Oh, The Places You'll Go!

2009-03-04T12:40:00.002-05:00

Much of what I've written has come from despair lately. I was completely aware of it but lost in what direction to take so I took myself out of writing about my woes. There is a very strong part of me that wishes to apologize to you, any reader, all my friends for revealing the thorny bits of my psyche. But I won't.

I do believe I'll move on because I did today. I opened up a gift given to me by a therapist of mine who had moved on and lo behold, it was a Dr. Seuss book. As a small child, I would quickly skim his books and put it down. I was irritated by his nonsensical gibberish and the drawings which were not realistic or pleasing to my eye. The abstractions caught at my imagination...but they were probably too scary for me to handle because of the sheer amount of possibilities.

I first read the note in the back that my therapist left me. I had burst into a retching sob when I was given this gift and held out of opening it out of fear that I would be rend in two by the mere fact that a simple request for clarity had been granted. I didn't not have to compromise my wishes because she granted me one.

Putting aside my quirky dislike of Dr. Seuss, I read, "Oh, the Places You'll go!" as quickly as I did as a child, only this time, I put the effort into tasting the words and enjoying the drawings. I laughed to myself about how familiar/iconic all of these things were and how they seemed to repulse me at the same time. As an adult, I can truly appreciate what he had to write and mourn briefly of my childhood where if it wasn't "productive learning", it wasn't worth my time. I challenge that with remembering hours spent poring over fairy tale illustrations with the colors that would not clash and the linear storylines that my mind can pleasantly soothe over.

I fell in love or I got a crush. Both are true. If you read this, I hope you're not scared but I lied to you about not sleeping on Saturday night. I couldn't sleep because of the pain I felt missing you. I'll write about you in private, where no one will ever read them. I can't read your mind so one day, I'll speak to you and ask you how you feel but I want to become that better person worthy of your affection.

And so I'll move forward with my career and find a job and clean up my room, even without you. Because I want to for myself. I'll stop thinking about hurting myself for more than a few seconds a day because I know my family and friends and you would miss me if I did hurt myself. I'll figure out how to love and forgive myself for all the silly mistakes I've made through my art, my precious art that I fearfully put aside.

I'll read my Dr. Seuss book and know that age 28, my life isn't over.

Everlasting

2009-02-02T12:33:00.002-05:00

The sheer horror of the squawking woman berating aloud, cursing the panicked stranger who could have used some help with her overladen burden of junk. That panic tickled and bubbled in me where I could scream from the FEAR that bloomed in my chest, draining my will, my strength, my triumph over the power of life itself where there is nothing to fear but fear itself but instead, it comes my state of being... to choke and hold and breathe in shuddering gulps of near laughter.

I had taken a tumble down slippery wooden stairs, startled in the childlike wonder of bumping my less-than-cushioned butt down in little hops. I come out with bruises and a shallow cut that my metal bracelet stung into the heel of my hand. I could have come out with swallowed teeth and heaping sobs but I laid on the bed of the once adored, now less-pined-for friend, jumped to sober heights and flex the cold shocked parts of my hand into giving reassurance that one) I will not have to pay for an ER visit and two) I reaped the hurt I deserve.

Dear God, you've taken my friend's father away from her after her sister had forced herself onto you. Oh the rage, I sympathize with so much right now. It's blinding hatred and I swallow it whole to reside in my stomach. And it's fear that rolls in after to choke me in the air I breathe and has that PERMANENCE that smells sickeningly like the matted folks spoilt by heroin and welfare checks and that whisper of profit that wafts in rotten sugar. Yet I maintain a semblance of BEING ALL HERE, when I'm really in the place that whispers that once I get my affairs in order, it would be best to give up, go tilt out sideways, pour my mindfulness out of my ear to truly let others have their way, to decide what is the best fate for me.

I do not trust myself. It's how I let go of the responsibility of making an decision and to act on it.

I chat with an acquaintance about the Super Bowl and how fair play made things feel all right is with the world. And I want to wail about the HORROR, the quiet blanket that crawls and smothers my faith in anything good in this world besides the children and the kittens and the right-as-rain sun. I stare, flooded.

Winding down

2008-12-30T09:51:00.003-05:00

It's been a heck of a year.

1. I lost 35 lbs and it keeps going.
2. Getting laid off the first job where people actually want me to stick around.
3. Went to New Jersey and didn't entertain suicidual thoughts (not joking around about this because of 4).
4. My best friend's sister killed herself, impacting my friend's and my life. She showed me how much self-hatred can eat away at a soul.
5. Started dating for the first time... it needs to be like chocolate. Partaken a little at a time, not daily.

Only ones I can think of.

I've been so tired...I'm happy I skipped hopping on WoW last night and hung out with a friend.

One Liners

2008-12-12T13:21:00.003-05:00

I've been whittling down my Favorites at work and looking over drafts of posts that I never published for some reason or another or they simply speak for themselves. I'm labeling them "One Liners".

Detached

2008-12-09T16:43:00.003-05:00

Oh ho boy, yes it's been a while since I posted. I need to get back on my meds in a bad way. It's not that I've been particularly down but I've had to exercise a lot more mindfulness in what I do because of what my therapist likens it to an irrational chemical flood that occurs as a conditioned response to most everything in my life.

I decided to write to keep track of my sickness. It's allergies. Like, please kill me allergies. First two weeks, I was sniffing, sneezing with dripping nose all the time. Third week, my throat was killing me and I couldn't sleep because of the pain that built up in my ear but wasn't actually an ear ache or an infection of my tonsils. Fourth week, my friend gets me some Biaxin for a week and the pain goes away but the dripping and coughing is non-stop. Fifth week, I'm gasping for breath. It's not pleasant to slur my words but be cognizant of it.

So I go to a "real" doctor (as opposed to my friend, the ER doctor) and he broke it down for me. I have allergies and may have had some respiratory complications with mono and bronchitis but that I have to deal with allergies which may occur with mold and/or the fire next door which I can still smell. So I'm eating my cortisones (Prednisone) and sniffing my Patanase and Flonaze and thinking, wow, I've been miserable for 5 weeks because of allergies. I'd like a HEPA air filterer like right now but the one I have my eye on is $350. I'm so freaking miserable with the scent of caustic chemicals up my delicate tissues. Ugh.

So that's my sickness story yay! I may be scared of every thing else in my life but I can think clearer now yay!

I called my temp agency, let them know that I'm getting let go on the 31st, and am excited at the possibility of getting money.

I got invited to a New Year's Eve Party being thrown by the same ER doctor friend. I hate her for using a placebo but it didn't hurt so eh. Anyways, I'm relieved and saddened. I hate indulging in fuck buddy sessions. I end up paying the price with little chunks of my heart with my incessant thinking, "Why am I in this situation again?" Fucking isn't necessarily an unpleasant situation and it's all on the outlook but I'd really like to try something different for once. It's boring and not as illict as it could be. In fact, monogamy is a lot more scarier :P

Don't get me started on WoW.

The purity of rage

2008-11-14T14:14:00.001-05:00

Sent at 1:52 PM on Friday
nychenzo44: hi

me: yo

nychenzo44: how is work

me: sleepy

nychenzo44: aww
want some lovin from me and my girl

me: no, you skank. Who wants to sleep with a stranger?

nychenzo44: lol i know

me: then why are you asking? I clearly don't want a fuck buddy.

me: Can you tell me why you would think I would jump on your dick at any chance without even talking to you face to face and gauging whether you're good people?

Is it something in my face?

me: Does my face scream, "Oh hey, you know, this is the kind of girl who would love to be indiscriminate with the fellas and the ladies and whoa, she's also into being open!"

Did ya ever think that maybe I was a devout Catholic or that I teach children nature walks?

BLOCK

One Liners: Midnight Launch Party

2008-11-13T14:48:00.008-05:00

I realized I had jotted down a first sentence for a post and then never publish it. I'm going to just put it out there now :P

I arrived at Best Buy at 6pm on the dot where I glided (or cholomped in my
4 inch heels) to pre-order my Collector's Edition.

Losing weight like crazy

2008-11-10T12:39:00.002-05:00

I've decided to engage in the ego-bruising gang-bang called "dating". And in this "dating", there are plenty of dicks, a few wimps, and very rarely, nice guys with common interests.

Worst thing is, I can't assuage my poor little ego with comfort food because I'm on a dehydrated food/ powder diet. I've lost 10 lbs in one week. Unfortunately, I am a very tired chica too. Because holy shit, I got some crazy stuff that's been going down and I can barely type out this.

Because I compromised my bladder, I'm gonna pee (long story). Hope my children never read this.

LOL old tankspot blog entry taking it down.

2008-10-31T16:35:00.001-04:00

Not PG-13: IM with Guildie and Me
Posted 04-08-2008 at 02:06 PM

Warning: No real WoW Topics. Very Fourth Wall Busting. Discussions of non-traditional lifestyles and blatant disregard for the mortal sin of pre-martial, casual sex. The easily offended, please turn away.I'm considering a matchmaking service which is a thousand bucks. Considering that my needs are a bit different, I could think of it as a fair investment.
Me - Me
G - Guildie
G2 - Another guildie

Me: I want a guy who is secure with me flirting with other men, I'd like to meet a cuckoldG: what is cukhold?Me: a guy who likes knowing that his significant other is sexually engaged with other peopleG: well most men tend to get very.. posesive of thier women, Me: I'm not going to be with a guy like thatG:well no of course not, but i imagine it would be very diffucult to find a man that is comfortable like that. He would have to be very secure, and most men aren'tMe: then wish me luckG: i do wish you luck i want you to be happy. i am not 100% on the matchmaker thing thoMe: I'm not sold on it either but it's definitely something to think aboutG: is the money upfront, or only after you have found a matchMe: after the interview and she starts you with dates right awayG: hmm, that is interesting----------------------------------------------Me: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CuckoldG: so, would he be allowed to have a sexual relationship with other women?Me: I would allow it. I like being the female version. The thought is very very hot to meG: so essentially, you want a committed open relationshipG: i think the idea of my gf fucking another man is hot.. she'd never do it, but i think its hotMe: So you understand the appealG: i think its a hot idea, i don't know how i would feel at the actual time. i think i'd be alright tho, i don't really feel like the jealous person G: at least i don't think i amG: hmm, i'd have to think about that----------------------------------------------Me: G2 is laughing at me about it, I'm like whateverG: that is exactly the thing to do, just say whateverMe:I don't know why he keeps saying "good luck with that"; it's been like three timesG: well, alot of men wouldn't be ok with itMe: I wouldn't fuck him based on his reaction----------------------------------------------G: i certainly think that you deserve to be happy, and i can understand the appeal of it Me: hehe it's good to know what I wantG: and you never know IF it will work, till you are in that kinda situation. Its all thoretical till thenG: what i can pick upon, is that you crave a dedicated romantic relationship, but you are very sexually aware and enjoy sex, and don't feel that being in a relationship should hinder that.G: its minju in 3 lines----------------------------------------------Me: okay I'd fuck you based on your ideas about fucking alone G: how did you come to this conclusion?Me: because I rather fuck people who are like-mindedMe: even though republicans can be hotMe: like a I-don't-like-your-ideals-but-I-can-understand-them-if-i-were-in-your-social/economic-status-so-let's-fuck-anyways fucking

CL WoW Loving

2008-10-31T13:21:00.002-04:00

Girl seeking WoW player - w4m
Date: 2008-10-14, 11:01AM PDT
Do you like to PvP in the World of Warcraft? Do you want to have sex with a
girl playing arena in the eighteen-hundreds bracket? Do you want to have sex
with me WHILE I play arena?

Continue reading.. I will be playing my druid.. she is in full Season
3 and some Season 4. I play with another female player on her warrior, but she
is not going to physically join us.. she will be on vent or skype listening in,
but mostly her purpose will be to keep the game going smoothly by letting me
know what is happening so I don't have to pay much attention.

You must be ok with vaginal and anal penetration, as well as eating me out,
and you must be able to finish on me twice within one hour.

But more importantly, you must be familiar with the game. You should be not
only yelling things like, "Your pussy feels so good on my dick" but also pay
some attention to my arena game(s). And be loud. Remember, I'll have my headset
on to talk to my partner. "Root him!", "Cyclone so I can pull out and fuck your
ass" and so on. You must be kinky, naughty, and very horny. I will be quizzing
you, so if you are not sure about your stuff, please do not respond.

What you have to do/have in order for me to consider you:
- You must have at least one level 70 in equivalent gear, maybe we can chat
about it.
- You cannot be overweight, but also not the muscle jock body type with a
brain the size of a pea. Chubby is BEST!
- You must be able to spell.
- You must be at least 20 years old and no older than 29.
- At least 5'10".
- No blondies.
- Dark hair, dark eyes
- Prefer uncut, but you must be clean. Circumsized will be considered, but
not preferred.

About me:
- I am 5'8"
- 150lbs
- Blue eyes and brown hair.
- I know a lot about video games.
- I want to fuck you while I play arena if you fulfill the above
requirements.
- I am very tight.. I have not had sex in about 8 months.

Ya know. I'm wondering why people think this is sad.

One Liners: Craigslist

2008-10-31T12:41:00.002-04:00

Craigslist

Girl seeking WoW player - w4m
Date: 2008-10-14, 11:01AM PDT

Do you like to PvP in the World of Warcraft? Do you want to have sex with a girl playing arena in the eighteen-hundreds bracket? Do you want to have sex with me WHILE I play arena?

Continue reading.. I will be playing my druid.. she is in full Season 3 and some Season 4. I play with another female player on her warrior, but she is not going to physically join us.. she will be on vent or skype listening in, but mostly her purpose will be to keep the game going smoothly by letting me know what is happening so I don't have to pay much attention.

You must be ok with vaginal and anal penetration, as well as eating me out, and you must be able to finish on me twice within one hour.

But more importantly, you must be familiar with the game. You should be not only yelling things like, "Your pussy feels so good on my dick" but also pay some attention to my arena game(s). And be loud. Remember, I'll have my headset on to talk to my partner. "Root him!", "Cyclone so I can pull out and fuck your ass" and so on. You must be kinky, naughty, and very horny. I will be quizzing you, so if you are not sure about your stuff, please do not respond.

What you have to do/have in order for me to consider you:
- You must have at least one level 70 in equivalent gear, maybe we can chat about it.
- You cannot be overweight, but also not the muscle jock body type with a brain the size of a pea. Chubby is BEST!
- You must be able to spell.
- You must be at least 20 years old and no older than 29.
- At least 5'10".
- No blondies.
- Dark hair, dark eyes
- Prefer uncut, but you must be clean. Circumsized will be considered, but not preferred.

About me:
- I am 5'8"
- 150lbs
- Blue eyes and brown hair.
- I know a lot about video games.
- I want to fuck you while I play arena if you fulfill the above
requirements.
- I am very tight.. I have not had sex in about 8 months.

The unfortunate loathing

2008-10-07T13:10:00.002-04:00

"Cultivate an interest in a person, and by extension their interests. If I like the person, there is often an excellent chance I will enjoy at least some of their pastimes. Then, sometimes it's just my interest in the person that makes the activity engaging but it has let me to a fairly wide variety of short term hobbies at least. Perhaps people are my hobby. "

- The only person who inspires this much hatred in me.

Loathing is a strange thing. I have hated a few people who have done nothing to me...but they invoke a primal reaction within me that raises my hackles. My body winces at the instinct to get into a fighting stance at the mere mention of their name. And oh lord, this woman does it. I hate her with a passion that burns my chest. Once I thought she was gone from my guild, I figured that I was safe from this tension but she returns again. She inspires this much hatred because when she uses her status as a woman to forward her agenda, to tease and then dump, her actions reflect negatively onto me as a teaser as some people have a problem distinguishing intentions by playful people.

This inspired my bad haiku:

Disrespecting tease
Your wit and charms are lost here
Grammar nitpicker

I really dislike her.

Good morning, Boston

2008-09-30T09:00:00.002-04:00

As I look at myself in the mirror, tousled hair and skin browned by time and sun, naturally scarlet full lips, a body that I thank my past self for taking the pain and the shame to work to its current level of fitness, I can say to myself: damn, I look hot. I should really fuck every morning.

I enjoy the process more than the ending. I realized this when time was too short to conclude things for either of us. He's a good guy even though he laughed at me for not knowing what a Prius is. That burned me up a little. And also nailed the coffin on any possible unconscious inklings of a future relationship. Thank goodness.

I am planning out my day, planning to do shopping and eating. I already have some ideas for artwork. I am refreshed and revitalized by the unfamiliarity of my domiciled surroundings. Though for sleep, I cannot abide the humming and whirring of the ever hiberating computer and I am awoken by the mere shift of the warm body next to me.

I've been playing way too much WoW since I got here. This touch of agoraphobia makes my heart pound when I contemplate crossing the boundary of this commune. For all of the aloof mannerisms that these hairy guys/quiet girls exhibit, I'm safe in their organized kitchen, their amazing chocolate almond cookies and their inadequately ventilated bathrooms with strands of hair everywhere.

Otay I get ready. Screw you Oldlock, I'm not going to wear myself out for Archimonde.

My brightness

2008-09-13T21:08:00.004-04:00

So I let go of my high school reunion. I let go of the short fuse I harbor, let go of my Type A loving, let go of men and women, let go of unrequited hopes.

My new favorite sex education website:
http://liberator.com/videos.php?channel=9&video=120

SS

2008-09-12T12:43:00.000-04:00

How beautiful

2008-08-29T16:11:00.003-04:00

How beautiful, wonderful is my relief with releasing, pain throbbing in my chest yet it's one of the most reaffirming reasons to be alive. I've carried pain for this long and now I feel...free to have it.

How confusing. A WoW blog associated with these emotions. The person who manipulates XYZ movement for a representation of self. This is all related to how my self, in game and in real life have developed into something new.

A player has remarked several times of how he heard that I'm into pain. I always chuckle to myself, never elaborating on what it is because it's none of his/their business. Yes, I associate pain with change. My tears are a result of searching for a facility that has been buried with the gross mess of daily chores, relationships, to-do lists. I wish to flex it and to radically twist my perspective to accept something new, it results in a medley of reactions that bubble beneath the surface. The low boil has come to its peak. I've found my selfishness and I gladly embrace it. I will live for myself and not for my parents nor my brother, nor for those who do regard me highly and those who think of myself in a slight manner like one thinks of Barbie dolls and mopheads.

So why do I write here? I have a mute audience. It feels like I write on a wall where someone may happen to pass by and glance at scribbles. I think that's why I left Xanga. That need to see who approves of my writing, a popularity contest. There's no winning here.

I am not sorry for who I am or what I write. I will write about the things I love and experience because one day, I will forget and the memory will haunt me because I would not be able to name it.

I am glad because the day where my contract to the many will be on hold temporarily. I will play the game how I want to, be free in my aloneness and loneliness to be beholded to noone. All mothers need a break from their wills being for others, unconsciously listening for that question, ready with answers. In my breaking from the herd, I will relearn how to do things for myself.

This pain of feeling light as a feather brings a smile to my face. The intensive labor of anger had been productive.

Sunshine and lollipops

2008-08-21T14:32:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I wonder how my brother does it. How he can live, having picked up dead, burning bodies from the rubble of war. How tense he seems even with his easy pace. He thrives on pretty girls and gourmet food, never skimping for less, always for the better.

I grind my teeth on wasabi peas, relishing the intense pain of a nasal burn one particular pea flares up. It comes and goes within 3 seconds. At the least, it distracts me from the inner pain that stems from fear, want, disappointment, and the darker bloom of thoughts of wishing to end this prickling of tears that threatens to spill onto my cheeks while people carefully watch for me as they exit the elevators. Or they completely disregard me. No matter.

My back is sore, aching on my left shoulder bone, blossoming around my neck and lower back. I am in pain. I think I'm more in pain because of the infatuation. I learned what I want from a guy and it's integrity. It's the drive to do more, do better. And it's a wonderful, terrible thing.

I am on the subway platform, rushing to catch the V at 5:20...I am late leaving the office. I remember feeling vaguely displeased for being in the front car as I'd have to take a long walk to the other end of the platform at my station. I remember thinking that a small gap at the door may not have made it a secure place to lean on. But I bury my head in my WoW raid strategy guides and meticulously figure out my role. The train rolls into Northern Blvd. A violent blow to my back rouses me up and I make a conscious effort to hear the insistent screeching, plastic shards flying, female conductor yelling with catching breaths and the gasps of the passengers. Me with my moods flashing from annoyance, to awareness, to gauging the situation in seconds and feeling my heart leap. Someone jumped in front of the train. The body is in the conductor's booth. There is a gap to look in the booth. Look away from booth, catch breath, cover mouth from rising smoke and potential burning flesh, just don't look at the body, look at anyone else' face to confirm the horrid limpness of the body and pray the conductor is fine. She's radioing it in, to turn off the power, raised voice, fighting panic and disgust.

As I murmur my excuse me walking to the back of the car, I wonder why the other people wish to have the image of a dead body embedded in their brains. There's an open door and I hop out, walking fast, looking through the windows at curious eyes, faces, mouths open. I'm glad for their ignorance.

The walk home is a daze. I observe my cold hands, the slight tremors, the fuzziness of my surroundings. I desperately want a hug or a hand to soothe away the dull pains of my back. I call a couple of friends, sit at my chair, looking, nothing, feeling nothing.

Getaway

2008-08-19T09:38:00.002-04:00

My chest is heavy with an upheaval of worry and disappointment, some self-berating swirling, aerating the mixture. I pace in circles, mentally trying to untwine this procedure of figuring out who is the person to prod to action. I'm referring to my high school reunion which is just...something, I cannot even think of the word. This mystery word inspires the want for a catartic release: soothing tears (temporary) or scarring myself (permanent). I think I should go with the tears.

There is so much I want to write but this duty is clouding my vision.

Illidan

2008-08-11T16:22:00.003-04:00

I haven't been writing in Tankspot because I'm bored. I have plenty of projects to do and plenty of work but... I can't see the point anymore. I'm at a dreaded block, chipping away at the wall with fingernails.

So I'll write about Illidan. Last night, my guild made our first attempt where we got him to the last phase, finishing at 21% which was pretty breath-taking. I tanked one Flame of Azzinoth.

But earlier in the day, I rushed terribly to get to 260 Fire Resistence. I had naively thought that I was set with all the badge gear, not realizing that so many other materials were necessary to get to a set number. The generosity of a rogue with his leg enchant (I had collected all the mats before I was just about to head out to Dire Maul) and crafting my Flame kits, a mage who helped me with tremendous patience through my OCD tendencies to loot everything for a very long quest chain and a shaman who helped me finish off the elite boss. To think I panicked that I wouldn't be able to get anything done, especially with my mother visiting for the weekend. I'm just really glad that I know some really cool people.

I keep getting distracted! Drawing little sketches, checking wowinsider for Blizzcon updates, thinking of this website where they post funny tells from wow...

I must have a crush. Oy. I really want to ask this fellow out but, when I look at it honestly, I realize we don't even have a foundation of friendship to build on...only a mutual grinding of personalities where I enrage and he...enjoys the raging. I fantasize about pinning him down and making him endure a stream of bad grammar, just something to make him NOT right. Sigh, I'm twisted. At least almost everyone in guild knows and accepts this...even a raid leader made a crack of something S&M related...wish I remembered what! Anyways, I want to be friends with a guy I'm interested in, not just sex buddies.

Speaking of sex buddies, I truly don't know what to do about finding a committed relationship and playing around. I don't believe it has to be either/or but it's hard to find an open-minded fellow who can wrap their heads around it. I mean on Saturday, I had the opportunity to meet with two lovely men who were in a relationship and get simulateously stimulated with groping and having my hair pulled. My fine behind, washed with his perpetual hardon as his boyfriend lovingly gazes at both of us and kissing his other with a hard passion, nuzzling above the crowd as they grow heated with the beat of the music. My fingers teasing his ass, marveling how beautiful they look, especially giggling to myself of how "frat boy" they look with their flannel/jeans/baseball cap combos. How can I ever pass up that? Would I ever want to?

That night did come with a price of a very swollen foot that is recovering for a large, broken blister and ringing in my ears. We'll have to see in a few days whether dancing for 5 hours straight was worth it. But as a friend said, ears and feet heal, memories last forever...or something like that. :)

I should write more about Illidan and the crappy happy adds which are a pain to tank but it's time for me to limp home.

Temptation, thou sprout from the tongue and languish in dreams.

2008-08-07T15:48:00.002-04:00

What I learned when I was young:

Attraction isn't sexual euphoria and vice versa.
Sexual euphoria doesn't fade over time.
Attraction will hold you until you can't deal with it anymore.
Love has nothing to do with these two physical states of being.
However, love enhances them like $500 an ounce truffles.

I am shamefully thrilled to receive such consideration of my abilites.

Him: I'm booking my travel to *** a few weeks from now. But I'm finding it's like grocery shopping when you're hungry. Because I shamefully keep wondering whether I should take the ***->NYC flight with the 2.5 hour layover.

I am a bad man.

And I respond accordingly.

Him: No no no! Your line is "that's a great daydream, but of course you know it can't happen, I can't take a full day off of work to be with you, people would find out, etc., etc." Not "ooh that makes me horny, when can you be here"

Me: *clears throat*
no no no!
How was that?

Him: Unconvincing.

Me: Yep I'm grinning the entire time I wrote that

Him: I read that as "No, no, no, why would I take a full day of work to have you trapped in my place tied to my bed where I could tickle your balls with my tongue and rub your head on the back of my throat until you were delirious"
which, as I said, is very unconvincing.

Gathering thoughts on Black Temple

2008-08-05T16:00:00.003-04:00

I'm trying to write notes for the third guild podcast and I find it impossible to concentrate on the flow of text that I must write. I have plenty to say but hardly have the patience to figure out how to structure it so I write in this blog to let it come out without self-censorship of my vocal/mental voice.

It's been a pretty good July.

Mother Sharaz
From the beginning, getting the equipment together was akin to a frentic backstage fashion show where there's a mad rush to get to the specialists with all the elements in its proper place. The trash was unique which made many cynical raiders glad as they were sick of the same old, same old. We had issues with the Mother Sharaz addon which worked out once Thursley figured out that the announce function was off. We still need to work out how the addon works but once people got the hang of the teleportation and moving in the proper direction, Mother Sharaz was down within 4 tries. My role as a tank was to spam holy shield, judge wisdom and auto-swing, exorcise and consecrate when I can and watch the main tank to pop the Lay of Hands when appropriate.

Illidari Council
Illidari Council is down, despite the odds that it shouldn't have worked with my pally shield being up. Last night, the raid leader tested out it on some mobs...it shouldn't have worked as well as it did but somehow we succeeded by pure conviction. It's High King Maulgar 2.0...the pull and getting away from the Area of Effect abilities was what made this fight. I have to say it was a personal challenge for myself to use my abilities within a merciless period of time. Creating specific macros and focus targets helped my pull. It took multiple attempts, quite a few elixirs, excellent healing and vocal communication to make it work.

Today
I'm not sure why but I feel shaken to my core. Like I could physically fall apart if someone should touch me even with a slight touch. I feel like a mesh of spider silk, easily whisked aside, my feelings fragmented into nothingness. I feel the need to be mute, to not interact with other people. Even meeting my girlfriend for our usual lunch date took a lot out of me.

Interpersonal Relations
I'm having a problem with a player. I realized that he pushes my buttons and I with my insufferable rage, respond accordingly. It reminds me of this article: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/03/magazine/03trolls-t.html with his attitude. Does my distress really amuse him so? Or is this what he's used to?

Leadership Article

2008-07-30T11:58:00.005-04:00

Revenge of the gamers: World of Warcraft is honing tomorrow's leaders

Why play games?
Byron Reeves and his co-authors contend that massively multiplayer online role-playing games -- MMORPGs -- can be useful simulators for modern business training. Here are a few of the reasons:
Pace: Leaders often have to make hundreds of strategic decisions during an hour of game play.
Risk: The relatively mild consequences of failure allow players to test a variety of strategies.
Revolving leadership: The temporary nature of many leadership roles allows people who tend to be real-world followers to try leadership opportunities and those who tend to be real-world leaders to get experience as followers.
Scope: One World of Warcraft game leader, a former
U.S. Army officer with a master's degree in human resource management, likened the leadership of an 80-person raiding guild to managing a midsize business.

May 12, 2008 (Computerworld) MMORPGs -- massively multiplayer online role-playing games -- like World of Warcraft, Eve and EverQuest may be the best simulators
of tomorrow's business environment. So say Byron Reeves, Thomas W. Malone and Tony O'Driscoll in this month's Harvard Business Review. The authors found that these games closely mirror the evolving world of business: distributed decision-making, rapid response, ad hoc teams, and leadership through collaboration rather than authority. Reeves, the Paul C. Edwards Professor of Communication at Stanford University and a co-founder of Seriosity Inc., a company that develops enterprise software inspired by online games, told Kathleen Melymuka that smart companies should be playing.
Tell me about the Seriosity study commissioned by IBM. They asked us to study collaboration and leadership in these [game] guilds. Moreover, these games are getting popular enough that, even if we don't want to take lessons from them, the people we're hiring are steeped in them, so we need to at least know what's shaping their lives and contributing to their expectations for software when they get to work.
What were some of the study's conclusions? The most interesting one is that leadership in these
games has less to do with the special qualities of the person doing the leading than with the environment itself. Tom Malone and I had looked at the leadership literature, and it's very biased toward leadership as a quality of an individual: Leaders are born, and you have to find them and nurture them. Gamers were saying in many ways just the opposite: A lot of people can be leaders when there's an environment that's conducive to making it happen. Maybe they're not the most socially extroverted communicators; maybe they just know what's going on. A lot of gamers told us, "I could [lead in a game], and it wouldn't happen at IBM."
What can you do with what you learned? A lot of information work is dull and boring, and there are productivity and retention problems that come from that. These games are engaging, compelling and just the opposite. So can we marry the juiciness of these experiences with the productivity needs of business contexts and get people more engaged in their work?
A sales team meeting in World of Warcraft is not the first thing that's going to happen. But when you think about it, it's suggestive of how much fun it could be to be a guild in a game with goals and avatars and synthetic currency systems: I'll give you 10 pieces of gold for that PowerPoint I need tomorrow.

How are game players' challenges similar to those of business leaders? Recruiting, evaluating, retaining, persuading, compensating -- all those things are really the same. If you're a guild leader, you're looking for new players; you're looking for the best before you "hire" them; you need to figure out what they want and compensate them in the right way to keep them. And "I know we need 30 players on this raid, but [I] have to go put the kids to bed" -- how do you deal with that?

And in today's work environments, so much is about persuading people to help you rather than having authority over them.
Exactly. Decentralized work really means that coordinating people is much more important than commanding them. How are the game and business environments different? On the very legitimate issue of the consequences of failure. When something bad happens in a game, you're not taking down millions of people invested in a company. Some of the psychological feelings may be the same, but in terms of the actual stakes, the consequences are broader in business.

What would it feel like in World of Warcraft if the future of the company were on the line? It would feel different. But businesses say they don't want the seriousness of the consequences to be handcuffs for innovation and risk taking. And there are other differences. One is the whole notion of transparency. In games, there's a lot more transparency in the culture as well as the rules. You know a lot in the games. You see what gear people have, what level they've achieved, and you know a lot about their status. You're a priest or a dwarf, and people know what you bring. You can make inferences at work, but there's not as much transparency of expertise. There are laws about transparency in business -- privacy rights.
You note certain distinctive characteristics of leadership in online games that point toward skills tomorrow's leaders will need. Can we discuss speed? Certainly, things can happen more quickly in games. In a game, you might congregate with five people you've just met; you've got one minute to decide who will lead and what the strategy will be, and then the gate opens. So there's a lot more opportunity to do things quickly. Iteration is an important part of this. In business, we're not going to go to Step 2 until we know we won't fail on Step 5. The default strategy in games is, "That's a good idea; let's try that." Then, wham! "All right, we all die. Let's go left instead of right next time." There's a lot of opportunity to try things a lot of times, and there's
value in that: A lot of small failures add up to global success rather than being so careful about each step.
Are gamers less risk-averse in business? Tony O'Driscoll has studied several hundred gamers at IBM. It occurs to a majority of them that things happening in these games are similar to and different from real work and useful to think about in real work. People volunteer that they have made that connection.
Tell me about the honesty that the use of avatars engenders. In games, they are signals of your role and expertise. In respect to representing expertise, the games keep you honest in ways real life doesn't. You can't say you are a Level 50 when you're only 40, whereas you can probably do that at work, where expertise is more objective. That's one reason people like these games: because they're fair. It's not about who you know and how well you do in the hallway conversation; it's what level
you've achieved.
Finally, you note that leadership roles are often temporary in games. To some extent, people with competence rise to the top, but there is a lot of temporary leadership: I've been in this dungeon, so I'll just take over. A corollary is that leaders get experience being followers and that's useful also, because people who know a lot are being directed by people who know less, but for whatever reason, it's their turn to take over.
Getting back to the conclusion that the right environment may matter more than the right leader --
how can companies benefit from that insight? Build better environments, and leadership will emerge. There's a real interest in analytics in business now. You can have a lot of data about how things are going. Dashboard and analytics is a good example. They provide a leader board and a score card like games have, and they're right up there for everybody to see. It's very gamelike.

Watching NBC, I learned of a T-shirt business that supports a camp for traumatized children with their signature theme of "Life is good". What I garner from their mission is the importance of play for children who don't have the processes nor language to communicate their experiences which then they're unable to foster an understanding and remain in a locked fearful stance. Hence play lets them distract, put a story to what they went through and let them see it in a safe environemt.

Breaking fast

2008-07-23T10:25:00.003-04:00

I don't mention my personal life as much as I did with previous blogs. I hate to shed those older blogs but it seems like the aim of those blogs evolved into this passion that I have with WoW. Which would be better to nurture: an addiction of WoW or sex? Addiction is a inherently negative word used to describe the overwhelming urges to feed oneself with external stimuli so this is an exaggeration.

I swore off physical indulgence since December and embraced my New Year's Resolution of "No Hookups" until Monday. If you're the kind of person who doesn't wish to read about casual sex, stop now.

I arrive at the hotel, aching for relaxation in the form of a bath. He arrives, startling me by opening up the bathroom door as I'm about to enter the vanilla cupcake bubblebath I prepared. I scream in embarrassment :) How funny of me to react so vocally. The jets create mounds of bubbles and I ease into the floaty sleeping luxury that is being immersed in water. New York City bathtubs should all aspire to be as wonderful. I chat with him, grinning from ear to ear, peering up at him from my very exposed position in the water...most of what I remember visually was a blur. I purr as he rubs my back, as painful as his relaxing touch was on my sore muscles are.

I remember shaking his hand, embracing him in a hug. I remember being pleased by his tongue and fingers and grabbing his hair, raising my hips off the bed. I remember putting him in restraints and tickling him, his writhing body exciting me and pressing up again my pussy.

I remember teasing his cock and after hours of teasing, sucking it into my mouth, eager to feel the length in my throat. I'm out of practice but I remember my techniques: engage the lips, the tongue, keep hydrated. I suck for hours, making up for months and yet my jaw isn't sore.

I remember being amused at his forgetfulness at the wedding band he wears; to mention it would disrupt the mood.

I remember his large hands rubbing at my back, his cock rubbing at my ass and I want him to mount me from behind. Seems like Extra Large condoms are never big enough...they're too tight. Or maybe it's been a while since he's used them. Or maybe he's simply afraid of the consequences. Or maybe I'm too small...when he opens me up, I'm afraid for a moment of the jarring tightness. I surely forget when he wakes me up in the middle of the night and I ride him and I don't feel the pains I do with my toys when I rock them as much as I did him. He uses my toy, not to jam it in me like the inexperienced boys I've been with but to play with me and I come for what seems like a very long time non-stop it's pulled out of me with no jarring spikes of lesser or greater pleasure.

I remember how good it is to hear a guy moan uncontrollably when he get to that point where he wants to gush into my mouth. I know the second time he is driven sololy by his cock and the motions I use with my gloved hand and tight lips and fast tongue. I know it because he can't speak and yet is driven to express something with his voice.

I wake up to his fingers brushing my face, hugging him before work and him telling me to not let anyone tell me that I'm not an amazing person. I can't remember his expression as I'm without my glasses and can barely keep my eyes open in the dim light. I am amazed that I do not have the feeling of being abandoned as I did with some previous encounters; I feel content.

I drifted in and out of sleep, starving but not ready to face this strange day where I had no set routine to worry about. It takes me 3 hours to get home and I can feel myself glowing, male eyes being drawn to me. I jump on WoW, play a little, go to my room to unpack and fall asleep at 7 to be woken in the middle of the night by rain.

Figuring out the pull with the Illidari Council

2008-07-23T10:21:00.000-04:00

Me:

I cried at my first attempt with the Illidari Council. Tears and snot and the whole god-awful sniffles that make my voice hiccup. It's not necessarily at that I hesitated and wiped the raid; it's the fact that the raid leader expressed something which ultimately wasn't constructive: he was disappointed with the pull. Or with me. Either way, they're the same thing.

Sometimes, I raise my voice in defensiveness. Sometimes, I may bark. But this crying...probably not completely stemming from this encounter. I have an exterior of hardness which keeps me from the brunt of the minor things that any young woman faces in NYC since birth...it's this strength I can draw on to withstand most anything, even the harshest criticism. Yet I'm a sponge, absorbing whatever comes at me.

Aftermath:

Officer:

What you are doing on that pull is dealing with three targets at once; Mage Tank for the BoP, yourself for the shield, and the rogue for your normal pickup moves.

Here's a way you could do that without needing to switch targets:

1. Focus on Mage Tank (/focus while you target Mage Tank), then switch your target to the rogue before the pull. Use a focus macro (/cast [target=focus] Blessing of Protection) to cast BoP on Mage Tank. You are still targeting the rogue.

2. Use a self defense macro to shield yourself going in. (/cast [target=player] Divine Shield). I usually bind this to a mouse button but you may prefer a key press. You will still be targeting the rogue.

3. Run in and judge righteousness on the rogue, or however else you want to pick him up.One thing I was wondering was if it would be better to throw your shield before you run in. Mage Tank's Pyroblast has a six second cast time. Say you have a one second reaction time to see his cast starting and cast BoP: That would leave five seconds. You could throw your shield (1.5 seconds), DS (instant cast) and run in, all before Mage Tank's Pyroblast lands.

Me:

For the first attempt last night, I tried that last suggestion. To attempt it as explained, I'd do this:

1. Focus on mage tank.

2. Target rogue mob.

3. Cast SoR.

4. Bop mage tank.

5. DS myself. (Perhaps make a macro that does both 4+5 with two button pushes)

6. Run to the middle of the stairs and drop a consecrate. Middle of the stairs is because if I run up top, they've already run toward someone else, which misses out on the ticks.

7. Judge on rogue mob.

For 6, I could use Avenger's Shield after Mage Tank's Bop/my DS and drop a consecrate after.

For 7, the rogue offtank (a druid) can grab the rogue to hand it off to me.

Another officer:

In the future I think we're going to be using the mage tank to initiate the pull, in order to prevent issues with Zerevor's random behavior, like running toward the back of the room at the start of the pull. If you run in before mage tank's pyroblast has been cast and the mage runs out of range, it's basically a wipe because mage tank will have no threat and no dampen magic, and you or a healer will be killed by Zerevor as soon as he lands a spell. All it really means, if the situation were otherwise the same, is that instead of running in with divine shield you would just BoP mage tank and then focus on picking up your target after it started moving.

Observations:

Why do I bother consecrating? Why is this method that much more benefitual than having the tanks charge in? It's not High King Maulgar but what's the drawbacks of having the tanks run in? Is the magic damage that extreme? I need to reread this encounter.

Conclusion:

Tanking is stressful. Crying is an outlet for that stress and frustration. Figure out how the fight works and do better.

Video card yay

2008-07-16T11:17:00.001-04:00

the easiest way to find the video card

start > run > “dxdiag” > video tab > top left box

there are 3 bus’ used for video cards, PCI, which is typically a white connector, agp, which is typically brown, and PCI-Express is the newest, it is black.

if your computer is over 6-8 months old it probably doesn’t have the last one pci-e

Thanks ex-guildie whom I kicked out :P

This is what happens when I don't play WoW.

2008-07-11T12:27:00.001-04:00

If you have daughters, tell them to RUN if they should see this boy.

10. Lied about attending SUNY Binghamton...he attended SUNY New Paltz. What?

9. Wouldn't specify where in Queens he lived when I asked directly...he mumbled "Queens". Hell, it's freaking Astoria which I heard when he asked a cab driver. Nothing to be ashamed of. I told him where I was from because we were right there in my neighborhood.

8. Did I mention he was groping me the whole time? I had to punch him on the arm more than once to get him to stop.

7. Walking down the street to walk him to the train station, he tries to wrap his arm around me from behind and kiss my ear. He sucks at my eardrum which HURTS. No apology. And it STILL HURTS.

6. I'm 5'5", he's 6'5". I was way stronger than him when I wrestled out of his grip more than a few times. *Smirk*

5. He asked me twice when I came to the States. Had already told him twice that I was born here. Thrice he asked me where my parents lived. NJ...is that so hard to remember? I don't think he ever let me finish a sentence.

4. Within the first hour of meeting, he asked if he could stay over for a nice home-cooked meal and for the night.

3. Since he allegedly broke his phone on the subway platform on the way to meet me, I bought him a first round and was about to call it a night. No mention of gratitude.

2. He insisted on a second round along with Jack Daniel shots. Then he threw down a 20 after slowly slowly slowly drawing out his wallet and was about to walk away. I had to stop him and tell him to ask for the tab from the bartender which then he looked at me blankly. Being so eager to get away, I get the bartender to get the tab for us which then he sneakily hides his 20 right back into his wallet. I look around for the 20 which then he looks around at anywhere BUT me so I give him my STARE OF DEATH for 2 minutes straight which then he feebly jokes about "if looks could kill". I motion to walk away to leave him with the tab. He draws out that wallet again and threw down the 20. The tab was 21. I wanted to make my getaway so instead of arguing, I just paid the difference.

1. While he was trying to get salacious with my neck, he was whispering over and over about how he plays to WIN (win at what?) and that with World of Warcraft, I wouldn't need that shit anymore. That if I were his gf, he wouldn't ever let me play. LOSER.

At least I have a story :)

2008-07-08T16:59:00.004-04:00

I got my bear mount this Sunday after a quickie raid of Archimonde and Gorefiend.

Roster:
Tank: Me (pally tank),druid tank

Healer: pally healer, holy priest

DPS: hunter, mage, rogue, elemental shaman, warlock, dps warrior

This ZA brought out the worst in me. Based on past PUG runs where we were able to get the fourth chest, I was convinced that 2 healers are the way to go. It puts a tremendous strain on them but with the extra DPS, it makes the run so much faster. So I pouted my way into a better group dynamic. "Do it this way or I'm out".

On the way to the bear, at the gate, Soothing Animal DOES shave off seconds so I sighed my way to convincing the druid to do it my way and practically screamed for everyone to get a move on.

In short, we slaughtered every boss, my inner tension building with every death or stupid pull made by jumping the hut windows and the hunter not dismissing his pet. I run out of mana and I can feel the seconds squeezing by in the hourglass as I drink. Yet I would still run in to the invisible lynxes with 18% mana...shrug.

We had 5 minutes for the last boss and as flustered as I felt, we owned it with one minute remaining. We rolled and I won with a 93. Have to say I'm in love with my bear mount.

However, I was relieved to hear that people enjoyed themselves tremendously, even though I acted with tiny temper tantrums. :P One raider who was truly pissed that our 25 man raid ended early, said this was the most fun he's had in a long time. Definitely pleased.

Basic suggestions:
1. Roll Need if you want an item for an UG to save time. However, in the beginning of ZA, remind people to have 4 bag slots open or more. One of the warriors lost his UG because his bags were probably full and didn't notice it until the end of the 4th chest.

2. Take all consumables as if it's a 25 man progression raid.

3. The kill order (ex. Eagle Boss, Bear Boss, Dragonhawk, then Lynx) is a good thing to lay out for the entire raid ahead of time.

4. Remind people to mount up often.

5. If you're a pally tank, heal thyself and often. No need to put more strain on the healers when you got abilities too.

6. Get someone to test ambient sound ahead of time for the Eagle boss.

7. Use your Save Mes! It's a short run.

8. MC is your friend. Shadow priest should have more than enough spell hit for it to last and last. But be sure to hover with a BOP when it breaks.

Axe Thrower: Axe Volley - Tosses axes at targets between 8-40 yards. Hits a bunch of targets for between 2000-3500 damage very quickly.

Flame Caster: Haste - Increases spell cast speed by 300%. Fire Volley - You know it and you hate it. With the haste buff up this can do ~2500 damage to everything nearby every .4 seconds or so. Devastating.

Medicine man: I don't think you can use his immunity or healing totems, but he's got a powerful chain heal (up to 7500 on the first bounce) and a lightning bolt single target hit.

Trainer: Incite Frenzy - increases attack speed of a feral druid or possibly hunter pet by 200%.
9. Let the pally tank's consecrate tick at least once.

10. Be flexible and forgiving about aggro. They have a repair bill to worry about afterwards.

11. Soothe Animal is great. Make sure your druid knows what it even looks like.

12. Jumping huts is a skill that some will fuck up. But don't let hunters jump without a reminder to dismiss their pets. And don't let people whine about their races being too big; everyone fits.

13. If multiple mobs are on a pally tank, the warrior tank or druid tank should not be pulling off a mob but instead, dpsing as hard as possible as it leaves the healers one person to heal rather than two.

14. Like the MC abilities, research your trash mobs.

It's been a long while

2008-07-04T00:08:00.002-04:00

All Real Life stuff, no WoW today. Go to wowinsider.com for that.

I stopped writing out of fear of intimacy. I'm trying :P

So a stranger kissed my hand in the middle of the street this afternoon. Jumped up behind me while I was on my way back to work with my lunch. Startled the shit out of me. He wanted to know if I was Korean, I asked him why, he explained something or the other about me looking just like his friend, he asked for my name, stuck out his hand and held my hand to kiss it gently on the knuckles. I told him I'd give him an email address. He didn't want one so when it became clear that I wasn't giving him my number, he tried to get me to take his number. Followed me into my building where I work. Turns out he was going to another department. Heh.

Then while explaining this to a gf during a work break, a tall blackhaired woman motioned at me while passing me on the sidewalk and loudly exclaimed, "THIS is what life is all about!" Perhaps it was the giddy smile on my face.

I just got back from a pub/birthday part at a tiny apartment on Prince Street, after sweating my ass off. I'm drying off naked, thinking about my noob sub. I am having doubts, plain and simple. I don't doubt his abilities, nor my want for Domming/topping. It's been a long while with this guy fast.

A former fuck buddy shared that he feels obligated as an American to rent a porno titled "Porn on the 4th of July". Good for him.

What am I getting for traveling out to a 4 hour round trip commute to top a man for? Am I insane? What worth has he shown that proves that my efforts will be for me and not for him? I have a nagging feeling that I'm being taken for granted again. I will not be put in that position again.

A letter my friend received

2008-06-18T15:00:00.014-04:00

Hey that is no problem at all. I shouldnt have kept u waiting like
that. As tired as I was I still couldn't sleep AT ALL last night, or the night before...

This is in reference to my friend asking for feedback about his picture (Why, I suspect he wanted to hear that he was attractive).

There is something on my mind that I have to tell you. and im so afraid to. I do not like hurting people. that is not any of my intentions in life. I am devastated to hurt.

Notice the whole, "hating to hurt people but I did it anyways".

But over the time that we have met. I have Lied to u.. Ima start off by saying im 15...

He said that he was a 32 year old man with a wife and child.

My brother *** is very controlling over me u could say... And he has stood behind my back almost 3/4 of the time i have talked to u and told me what to say and ask..

His brother was supposedly a 34 year old divorced guy with a child. And what kind of younger brother actually listens to his older brother?

I didnt want to Peep into ur private life at all! but i guess *** did for some
reason.

I didn't want to. But my brother did! How lame of an excuse is that!

But u are the sweetest, nicest, caring, Funniest guy i have EVER met in my
entire life.

And I'm clearly a dipshit.

I didnt want to go this far into our friendship. but im afraid to say no to
***. He is not at the house right now (he is 17 btw) he is at work. He does not know i am typing this letter to u. Please do Not tell him i told u this. If u want to Gkick me from guild or w/e you have the most right to do so ever. I would understand completely.

Well now would be a good time, because apparently your testicles just came into being.

Again (my name is *****)

Way to reinforce that you've been lying to him the whole time.

I Do not like hurting people specially people like you.

But you do like hurting people not like him.

I felt like sometimes we almost new eachother in RL. But if u wish never
to speak to me again. I understand that too. Just please go along with **** and
act like he is 34 with a kid not married or divorced =/.

Yes you felt so close to him...especially while lying. And now you want him to lie for your sake and pretend everything is the same?

THe lies I did not tell u where the ones where he wasnt there.. Like We live on
5 acres. wwe do live in a gated community. I have 3 brothers. I did lose my
virginity at 15.

So I was honest with you about these things that are non-consequential...

Oh but one other thing i want to tell u... i dnt know if ur gonna be freaked out
or not. but Please dnt tell ne1 this either.. Im bi-curious..... but my goal is
to just move to a big city when i am older.. my uncle is gay. he is 47 tho.

Totally and utterly irrelevant. So my friend is gay; what does it mean for this kid?

lol. Again i cant apologize enough!! This is not my doing... Well it is.
but not what i wanted to do. Your sucha nice guy its just gonna hurt me to see
if ur hurt or not. I hated intruding into ur private life. cuz thats ur
business. And Also, I would totally understand if u Gkick me or dont speak to me
ever again. I am very very sorry.

Honestly, I believe this kid was responsible for the whole thing. And the fact that he intruded on his private life anyways? Well duh, it's his business!

I put this up because in the end, my friend will be compelled to try to help this misguided kid. And I know the cycle of his trying to heal this kid's wounds when it's his wounds he's trying to patch up, will bring no good end to him because the kid already got his trust as much as my friend denies it.

Avoiding guild introspection

2008-06-10T15:51:00.001-04:00

What gets me work up: guild stuff that happens the night before. That anger flows to the incoming morning which by then, inertia covers emotions up, created by the NYC heat and a tiny Greek salad and a few bites of homebaked mac and cheese. I feel...rotunded.

Hoohee - Real Life YAY!

2008-05-20T17:29:00.003-04:00

A week ago, I had a person tell me, "You need a boyfriend, then you be happy!" I didn't even bring up the idea of relationships, I was talking about feeling crappy :P

Ever since I've been back on my medication, I've felt stabler in my thoughts, felt safer. Thoughts of self-harm has lessened tremendously as I can effectively control the impulses and emotions before they escalate. I still have 3 more months to feel the full effect.

Besides leading my high school reunion solo, working two jobs and trying to reconnect after being emotionally estranged from my family for decades, I'm pretty exhausted. WoW seems to be the only thing where I can get a glimmer of enjoyment. Even self-maintance is repetitive and a chore. WoW adds the pounds, exercise takes them off (somewhat).

Maybe after 9 months, I'm ready to start into the fun of finding companionship. Yay dating. Even now I chuckle at myself for being so reluctant. Crazy boys. And crazy girls. It could be fun, it could be boring.

Maybe I'm not so ready after all. It's only now that I can understand my propensity for falling for impossible guys and letting go of it is difficult. I haven't had enough of this taste of unrequited infatuation. But I'm getting there.

Random things to remember

2008-05-16T11:21:00.002-04:00

I was in group therapy and this woman who got proposed the first day he met her by this millionaire who's about 15 years older, told me I need a bf.

I was once happy with things like books and art.

I once left a secret thankyou bundle at my neighbor's house with Korean grape juice and snacks and a thank you note. My gf told me this because she remembers it well.

I had a singing solo when I was 9; it was the Little Mermaid song, "Part of that World" which is still a difficult song. Some girl wanted to sing the solo too so she badgered the teacher to let her perform the second half. People told me she wasn't as good :)

Tim Robbins took a tour of my high school which he was an alumni. Many years later, he licks the neck of my gf, who is also an alumnae. Lucky bitch :P

I can make glass Venetian beads, with a real torch and real glass.

Trial run

2008-05-16T10:42:00.000-04:00

I was doing a trial run with two applicants in a quick Kara with 2 healers and some unexceptional tanking on my part. Nightbane, wow, just couldn't target the guy nor predict where he'd land, combined with slow response-timing due to a mysterious seasonal fatigue = bloody mess of dead players. It's not that I don't care because I'm a heartless bitch; it's that I've become cynical to the expenditure of raiding. Consumables, repair costs, a few trigger-happy people, eh.

To the point, I extended an invite to the holy priest after much hemming and hawing. An officer pointed out his flaw of dying to threat-sensitive situations like the aggro wipe of Nightbane. I asked the applicant about it; he mentioned how he took a hunter's misdirection for granted with this particular fight. That fanagle poked at me...if we clearly don't have a hunter, why would you react to a situation as if you did have a hunter? Would you heal as you did before if there wasn't a druid who would innervate you?

It was me and another officer on; we came up with the hesitant answer of "Yes, let's invite him". In my fluxing degrees of indecisiveness, I called one of the lead guild officers; no response. In hindsight, we could have taken our time making a decision; I don't have to accommodate an officer asking about whether we should invite a person who is mediocre in healing. His redeeming quality is that he presents a drive to learn.

Hindsight is everything when I cringe at his healing. I hope he actually doesn't believe he's doing that well. And when he got taken for a mana injector, buying one charge for 60g from the AH, it made me pause. And that he actually thinks the effort put into complaining to Blizzard GMs will come to a pleasant fruition of a resolution to accommodate for his inobservant behavior, that made me wince and pause some more. Priests need to be observant of minor details like cleansing, when to shield, when to take focus off of the tank, etc.

But I'm also suspicious of every new applicant. I'm jealous of protecting the guild's best interests. This priest seems like a decent sort of guy. However, I have to say that I wish that I could have had a better gauge to measure a healer. I have to trust that he'll try to become a better healer, that he won't snap when the pressure is strong, that he will know he's capable of more. Much like I have to trust myself to do all that.

How I got into the game and why I fish.

2008-05-14T12:07:00.000-04:00

When my boyfriend at the time and I got together, WoW had just finished the beta and released. I wasn't a gamer and wasn't interested in playing WoW. But one day, my bf asked me if I would level up his fishing. So he parked me in Darnassus with a fishing pole and I fished there for 4 hours. I was hooked.

He got me my own account even though I asked him not to. I'm fond of saying that my relationship with WoW lasted longer than that relationship. I have two BT/MH raider characters as a pally tank and a shadow priest which is time-consuming and demanding.

But I still try to sneak away to fish because
1. I can handle guild officer stuff and chat without killing a group in an instance.
2. I enjoy gathering cooking materials
3. I enjoy the surprise element of a catch.
4. It's not about GCDs or how much haste rating you have. Its simplicity is something that most people write off as boring. It's a meditation of my "surroundings", a time and place where all your focus is on the bobber and the basic joy of a catch.
5. Unlike RL fishing, WoW fishing is not at all demanding; it's free of extraneous factors like timing of the tides, stabbing hooks in fingers, and tangled lines.
6. If you miss a bob, there are very little consequences, unlike raiding :)

Crazy

2008-05-06T17:18:00.001-04:00

Now, I'm not certain about you but if there is a great player who chooses to "pick" on me and my abilities, whether it's valid or not, I tend to fantasize about throttling him...and then do terrible dirty things to him. Oh the shame of the "girl drawn to asshole" phenomena. I got to start dating again.

You are the person you want to be in the game.

2008-05-02T14:31:00.003-04:00

You may be an alt-aholic like me. You may revel in knowing subsets of spells that play off each class type in a raid setting. You may get a hoot out of being your own self-sustainable economy where trade goods, specialty items and gold await your ever-growing needy professions. However, you may be getting older (I can almost guarantee it). And getting older sometimes means that you put your priorities in order. For me, that means investing time to play on my shadow priest and pally tank who were once my most-hated characters.

They were my healers and oh, did I hate healing. I hate that feeling of someone dying when you're about to get that heal off. You know how you sometimes watch nubs run into a mob and accidentially pull? It's kinda like that but imagine the visceral shock if a mage instantly blinked into a crowd. It's not like you can prevent someone from doing something nubby like hitting the wrong button but once things are put into action like a swipe at stacked dominos, the brain is shocked into a flurry of priorities...

a) run away
b) run in and try to draw aggro
c) stand there and wait to die
d) yell at nub

But when it comes to healing, you're the nub who pressed the wrong button, your crit isn't enough, you overhealed drastically and you're oom already. It's a bloody lottery and sometimes you get it and sometimes you don't. That was why I was such a cleansing fiend. You couldn't make a mistake with cleansing. Now my priest and paladin are in alternative lifestyles that I've never envisioned for them before, it makes me wonder how I developed as a person.

Virtual selves is a subject that takes my fancy because it's my belief that you are the person you want to be in the game. We, as tanks, take the blunt of the bewildering, consistent rage that a mob has. Virtues of durability, avoidance and strength to build threat (or spell damage) are exalted. There is the chance of having to endure unexpected strong blows but longevity is expected with the proper support of your healers. You are the front-runner, the one to take it for the team and survive against the odds.

If you realize that every action you take is accountable to the kind of person you are, whether it's with interacting with another player or an NPC, it does put things in perspective, no?

What does this mean for you with your RL self if your tank is your true self? Some people manage to intersect the true self and the RL self to be a balanced person but the RL self often is a false self. It's false but hardly determential or malicious as a mask has evolved to represent in Western culture. It exists for good reason: to get along with others. However for myself who had lost the confidence to trust in her abilities, her intuition and her opinion, I look at the role of my paladin as a gauge of what I can be capable of because there is no censor for what she is.

Then again, for being an alt-aholic as mentioned, I notice that different aspects of my personality come out with each character I play. My mage, the ice queen. My rogue delights to be unnoticed. My lock, greedy to unleash her inane power and be oh so adorable. My gnome warrior, my little Zsa Zsa Gebor, wanting to instill fear in the big boys (still working on that one :P). My hunter, a dwarf female who represents how I feel about my looks. It doesn't matter how often people affirm my attractiveness; it will be a long time until I'll stop believing it. So for now, I'll accept and embrace her non-traditional looks. Etcetera, etc., etc.

Last night, I talked to a friend who was twisted by her choice to accept the life of becoming a doctor or not. She believed that if she were to develop and study herself into being a great doctor, she would neglect her children. Nevermind that she has no children, is in her mid-20s with no boyfriend but she was so caught up with what could happen to them. I told her, "Give your imaginary children a chance". I never thought that this imaginary figure that I nurtured would amplify anything back at me.

Bop = touch my body

2008-04-29T12:43:00.003-04:00

I want to be my flirty dirty self again. I want to juggle boys' minds and rock my world with the amusement that I have boobies and long black hair and a pouty mouth. I forgot how to toy with thoughts. I forgot how to feel creative and sexy.

Too much going down

2008-04-28T13:08:00.004-04:00

So many thoughts that slips through the cracks. I think that's what depression is for me: scooping sand with a sieve.

I like to write with a purpose but there does come a point where I self-censor everything I write so I'm attempting to burst past it with simple wording.

My best friend's sister passed away, alone in a hotel room bathroom, stabbed to death. She did it to herself. She was found the next day by the hotel manager who had to break down her door as it was latched. She wrote a note, apologizing to the hotel staff for the inconvenience. She wrote that she had a loving family and noone was to blame. She just started medication for the first time two months ago. She seemed to be doing well.

This is the night when I too, was considering hurting myself; the pain in my chest was so great. I'm waiting on my medication. I knew the tools to get past the thoughts. I knew that suicide is the permanent solution to a temporary problem. Surprisingly, it was a dance radio station that got me past the thoughts, after hours of trying to meditate, after contemplating calling a suicide hotline, after forcing myself to not think of any sharp objects, lest I form a plan to delegate one of my limbs to harm.

I'm a somewhat normal, outgoing, intelligent person who loves her family, loves life, loves beauty and people. I've undergone alot of traumatic events in my life but I do my best to not to be a victim anymore. I have friends, hobbies, talents, the ability to challenge myself even though it may be so uncomfortable to even walk outside, my agoraphobia can be great.

My friend's sister did not cry out for anything. She had no friends. She had her family though. She was college-educated, but did not graduate. I did not graduate as scheduled but at her age of 26, I had finally gained the courage to go back and finish my final semester. She had severe body image issues as I do. I was the only person she felt comfortable with and it makes me sad that I couldn't get to know her even though I've tried. I suggested WoW as an alternative for her to make friends; her depression was to the extent that a game wouldn't have made her feel good.

I could have easily been her were it not for me opening up just a little in high school to people who became my best friends. If they weren't there for me, I think I would have been immersed in my mother's judgments, convinced that there's something terribly wrong with me.

Why did you have to hold onto your pride? Pride was the only thing you said you had and it was the reason you didn't want to seek help.

Why did you girls have to hold onto saving the family by not outing a relative who harmed you when you were young? I'm so angry at him and at my friend. I can't help but feel that he contributed to her feeling of being disjointed.

Why did her mother hold onto her so tight? Why did she feed her little ancedotes of the terrors that would happen all around the neighborhood? Why did her mother throw fits if she didn't get her way regarding curfew for two girls who were in their mid-20s? Her mother tried so hard to protect her children who aren't Chinese children but American adults.

I hate that there is so much pressure to be perfect. I hate that I have to live my life with constant pain. I hate that my friend's sister didn't give herself a chance to take a risk.

http://www.imdiversity.com/Villages/asian/family_lifestyle_traditions/pns_pressure_depression_0805.asp

http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/05/16/asian.suicides/index.html

http://www.womensenews.org/article.cfm?aid=2891

Arrrrr!

2008-04-24T15:33:00.001-04:00

I am too horndoggish to focus on a blog. Sorry! Stupid hormones!

2008-04-22T15:51:00.002-04:00

Random thought: I once taught Sunday School. Weird I know. They were only 6 though but perhaps it was my influence that their presence is so lax in the current parish :P

WoW: Archimonde is fun! Feeling like a kid with ADD is not. Actually the tension was mostly from my mother hovering and trying to watch my monitor and poke at my belly. NOT FUN.

Aiieee, I have no patience today. I'm trying to write insightful stuff but my eye wanders to different tasks. I need to get my meds tomorrow morning at 8.

Okay I'll write this much:

My shadow priest needs to spec for Improved Mind Blast 5/5. It's a short fight so I don't think losing Mediation would be that big a deal. I need more spell hit and straight spell damage gems. So sleepy.

Oh so not cute

2008-04-21T14:44:00.003-04:00

I liken this guilt-awashed, wishy-washy funk that has eaten up to almost a year of my life (coming up to 8 months since my breakup) to creeping through the river, testing the rocks at my feet. Most rocks are jagged, some are stable, others are deviously rickety and covered with slippery moss. All of those rocks were self-induced emotions. I could have just stopped and wailed at the unfairness of it all but I'm almost at the other side.

But you know what happens when you've steeped your feet in running water for a long while? It's natural but it's not aesthetically pleasurable to look at. That's how I'm looking at my newfound weight.

It's ironic that I'm working with so many nutritionists to outreach to and teach communities about healthy eating; I sure could use to take the advice I'm oh so prettily arranging into bite-sized ADD-accommodating books.

I really don't feel so cute. BLAH.

Hunter pull in SH: When officers attack

2008-04-18T11:02:00.005-04:00

When there's a disconnect between a discussion of a logical, safe way of pulling mobs and the actual execution, would you want to know why a hunter carried out a pull in a certain way?

Suppose a hunter discussed how A+B=C.

A=The mob which would give the least amount of resistance
B=Properly timed shot
C=Executed pull with the least amount of resistance

We're in Heroic Shattered Halls with that first big room with a pacing Legionnaire. My guildmates have done this a fair amount of times before without wipes.

However, there was an unknown variable of D which wasn't put into account.

D= Multishot

So final result in this hunter's mind: A+B+D=C

The ensuing chaos was worthy of nubs. Me on my shadow priest, died a terrible death, still bewildered by the animation of a multishot.

Now this hunter is a seasoned warrior tank who is comfortably geared for BT/MH. So I assumed he would be comfortable explaining why he used a shot that would obviously draw aggro from the mobs we were trying to avoid. After saying that we should have said something about NOT using Variable D when we were hardly anticipating a nub move (most of the group members are experienced hunters themselves, myself included), that he didn't realize that the multishot would reach another mob that was very close to the mobs we were trying to pull, he turned it around to me, and said the examination of his actions was fruitless. It was only an exercise for me to excise my frustration.

It was midnight, I blew up. Not being on my anti-depressant medication, I just couldn't handle the stream of rationalization. It was just a fucking question. When my voice started cracking from the lack of sleep, his giddy voice saying that I was being emotional and making things worse, it just hurt alot. Yeah, it was stupid to bring up points that don't matter like I wasn't happy with the first boss we were going for. That just made me sound insane but I think you got off on that.

Warning: Going into personal insights about my fellow officer

I left the group with a little clearer view of how so many people find issues with him. I know he loves conflict and to escalate them which is hardly a good attribute for an officer, but does he realize that it hurts to be put down like that? That I had no intention of trying to put him down? Being in therapy, I am all for being shown things that may be painful to learn from them and to either change or accept them for what I am. However, being an aspiring therapist, I'm aware of the impact of "you are" statements have on people. Being told I'm emotional doesn't help. Being told that it's making the situation worse doesn't help. Being told that my question is invalid doesn't help. And it doesn't help you.

I wish I could approach you about this but I'm certain you made up your mind about everything that has happened. Your stubborness has its appeal like that. We were fortunate to break off that abortion topic because when you tout your abilities to think things out mathematically, chemically, holistically, that's when the debate falls apart because there is no gauge for those things in communication unless you got graphics.

The worst part of this was that I respected and admired you. I thought you may have respected me too but I've been known to be deluded in relationships with people. I know you're not going to apologize because you believe there's nothing to apologize for. Apologies are for those who wish to maintain relationships. And I know you have nothing to gain from assuaging my feelings. So, here I am. Heh.

To those Guildies who wish to move onto another guild

2008-04-16T13:20:00.003-04:00

Little known fact: exactly two years ago, I left ES. After a few months of being guild-less, I asked to be reinvited back. I'm grateful that ES accepted me back.

There are many reasons to leave a guild. However, as a courtesy, we ask that you disclose your desire to move on before applying to another guild. We would be happy to emphasize your strong points to an application officer if given prior notice of your intentions. Just give a headsup to myself or to any other officer. There is no need to justify your decision as we will respect it.

Thank you.

Or in short:
You don't wanna run with us. That's fine but just freaking respect and give a hey, I'm getting out.

Mantra

2008-04-16T10:46:00.006-04:00

I know this is a very new blog and who ever is reading this has no clue who I am. But here's a sliver of what's eating me.

I used to be a devout Catholic. I've shed the heavy guilt associated with not attending services, with not going to confession, for committing the mortal sins of pre-martial sex and masturbation (mortal sin being that it's an automatic ticket to Hell if you engage in it) a few years ago. It's much harder to shed the guilt associated with every other aspect of my life. And when guilt piles up, shocking my system with moments of hard lucidity and terror, I recite my childhood mantras that slip off the tongue easily like little shards of ice that temporarily cools the burning hot pain that rends my numb being.

I went to a bar called Milk and Honey last night. I've been out to four bars in the last five days and it was at this one where I've drank two drinks, which were delicious. A grasshopper and a Dominican, sweet as candy, whipped into a delicate froth, perfect drinks to be savored in a secret bar with no sign, that you need a reservation for, waited by courteous men doled up in suspenders and Prohibition era outfits. Dark, brick walls, lit by candle-light, interesting conversation by people who were living out "ER" because you know, they're ER residents. But somewhere in my head, I was thinking about the people I associated with on WoW.

One whose friendship I miss terribly and feel I can never redeem myself with, another whom I think I'm imitating in the whole youthful drinking and going out and marveling how alike we are in trying to run away from things, one whom I have sisterly feelings toward, one whom I thought I hated who turned out to be a pretty cool guy and thus throwing my feelings toward everyone in doubt, one who is a dick and wondering why I associate with him, and the one that is the hardest to admit, one whom I secretly admire but is taken and I am eaten up by guilt about my attraction.

Guilt associated with WoW is the strongest reason for me to not play. Perhaps this is a good thing. I've been gaining weight from being despondent and inactive. I'm trying not to post emo shit but thoughts of hurting myself has been playing on my mind recently. It's a fact that I've been ignoring. So I pray with Hail Marys and Our Fathers (Ironic pleads toward parental figures when mine are so hopelessly distant by language/cultural barriers). I focus on work and new projects and volunteering. I hope this phase ends soon.

Id est = i.e. = it is.

2008-04-15T14:22:00.011-04:00

It's so easy to forget that I have a minor allergy to raw seafood until my lips start swelling up, red and itchy. I forget that milk gives me indigestion until I'm uncomfortable and bloated. It's convenient to forget these things because of the momentary pleasure they induce. When the pain supercedes that pleasure, then it's not worth it. At the age of 27, I think I'm getting to the point where the pain of going out is inching past the point of no return.

Cons of Going out last weekend:
I didn't drink a drop of alcohol; no fuzzy non-sensical thinking to blare out the bleak facts of life (it's raining and this club music sucks). Somehow that didn't hinder me from the urge to yank the shirttails out from the pants of a guy in his work suit. My girlfriends stopped me from acting on it.

Some random plastic-surgery butchered girl was waving her arms at my girlfriend's face, talking in another language, draping her arm over my friend's shoulder, yelling. Either she wanted to get with her or she was extremely upset and wanted to punch her in the face. I ended up playing bouncer and stood in front of her. Strange thing is I was itching for her to get aggressive, just so that I could hit back, you know?

5 inch High heels belong to the bedroom. My feets still hurt. Ow.

I freaked out on a cab driver. I appreciate people who work. I appreciate the effort they put into their jobs. That's why I don't litter, that's why I don't talk back, that's why I don't bitch about how fast or how slow they go because I can be laid back about it. But when you're fucking ranting about how grateful we should be that he picked us, 4 little Asian girls off the street because god forbid, we should be threatening to call 311 to check his "rule" of resetting the meter after one dropoff... I didn't care initially until I realized he was a screamer who was scared that we would report him. And he would not stop screaming. Oh god, he just piled on the guilt about how we were trying to rip him off, that we need to trust him to do his job, etc. He would not shut up for 5 minutes.

My composure was shot. My button was pushed. I wanted out. I didn't care if it was free or whatever, I was not going to stay in that cab. I started to scream that I needed to get out. It was pouring rain and I didn't notice that he had promised to shut up, to not charge us extra, that we can just have a nice cab ride. I ran out and stood on 57th, admiring the darkness of Central Park. How empty and glittering it was in the middle of the night.

Me in my cute outfit, my back splattered with vomit. Oh good lord. Oh and riding the subway with a super low-cut top. That was fun :) That's a pro.

Pros of going out
Forgetting my ex's attacks of my character on WoW's public forums

Maybe it was worth it after all.

Grats to a former guildie and his getting his first lay in college :) By the way, to know if a girl orgasms or not: her pussy clutches involuntarily quickly with speeds up to 8x a second.

Respect

2008-04-11T09:47:00.003-04:00

There are some things worth working for and others that aren't. Gaining respect is complex, like putting together a fashionable outfit or applying au-natural makeup :) It's not something that happens off the bat.

Say words were the way to gain respect. Now equate words = facial cosmetics which range in colors, textures, depth or unique features. These words will "paint" the blank canvas that other people hold in their minds. Your tools of the trade used to convey your inner beauty or strength (i.e., powder brush, tweezers, eyelash curler, etc.): they're all different forums to enhance or emphasize your words.

There needs to be some goal, thought out carefully but quickly. Then execute it delicately; a heavy hand only points out insecurity and may falter in direction. But don't forget to throw in what makes you unique, like a dash of blue eyeliner or a deep transparent purple lip balm over an otherwise plain red mouth. It's unexpected and surprisingly, it opens a layer of vulnerability. It reveals a hidden element about yourself with its honesty and willingness to be an individual who isn't going to follow everyone else's beige vagueness.

Lightly applied, certainty where to push harder to make a point, overall consideration of how the final product will affect you and others, set it with a fine powder of self-assurance and you're good for the day. Here is the face you give to the world: it is a gift or an annoyance or invisible. You can say, "You can fuck off if you don't like this face" but if YOU are unhappy with the face you present, then YOU can only change yourself.

Perhaps I took the makeup analogy too far but really, noone is given respect off the bat. You work on it but not too hard. You do it without provocation nor expectation of rewards; it's that much more rewarding for your self-esteem. Respect for me is being heard by people willing to listen. Respect is caring about what I listen to in turn. It's about being considerate. Respect is treating others the way you want to be treated. So think about how you treat others before you start demanding more respect.